smitten yet annoyed

One thing I am is a realist. I take blame for my ex treating me like shit mainly because I should of never let him begin treating me like shit. I’m absolutely certain of the fact that I have emotional damage from him and probably my family. So any time anything good happens to me I’m automatically waiting for the shit to hit the fan. When is it going to end or turn to shit. I am I’m going to call it smitten even know I feel like that’s a bullshit way to say crushing. But moving on I really really like my Lil alien. He’s sweet, nice, and considerate and doesn’t react like a psycho. Only thing is we have yet to hangout it’s just not lining up good for us to spend time. I feel like it could turn into something great but then I don’t know he says things that throw my mind off. We both said we’re not talking to other people but then he talks about moving out of state. I told him I wanted to wait to do anything physical and he says that’s fine and he’s just excited about spending time and watching movies. We already planning on making chicken and salad. Isn’t that adorable I’m really excited. I thought we were going to hangout this week coming up but he says another week. I know it’s sounding immature but I’m tired of waiting. Plus not going to lie I want someone to kiss and hug. I loath my ex but I miss having someone who could kiss. So many men are terrible at it I’m talking about horrible. Honestly I just try not kissing most of the time because it’s bad. I’m rambling I can’t focus my mind is all over the place. I’m worried about everything. Are we going to like each other in person. Will the kissing be good not to mention the sex. I’m beyond nervous about that. Another random thought I want Mac and cheese. What if his dog hates me. I’m all over the place. What if it’s just silence when we hangout. If it’s awkward we’ll probably have sex. If it’s good I would still want to have sex. What can I say I like sex. I’m tired kinda horny. Want to cuddle with someone. My one friend was having a hard time and came over to talk and we ended up cuddling honestly because he needed it. But I loved it also. It was nice. He was really in my arm pit for a good minute and I’m pretty sure I needed more deodorant but was nice. I don’t can’t even focus on one thing to talk about. I want to go on a trip. I thought the beach but no one seems to want to go. So I kinda feel like I’ll go somewhere alone. I really don’t know. I keep thinking just hangout with dude then I’m like I can wait. But in the back of my mind I think what if I wait and it’s horrible. What if he acts weird or smells. I know it’s dumb but I love a man that smells good. Look at that one asshole he was such a jackass but fuck he smelled good. My friend smelled good but honestly if I smell them on my couch or pillows when they leave I’m like eww. I want someone that I love there smell even when they leave. This is getting ridiculously long and rambling. So I’ll end it here.