tired

I’m tired. I’m at my new job but got down time. I’m working 12 hours but I didn’t bring anything to eat. Some times I feel like it would be better if I was alone. When your alone you don’t have the luxury to not go to work. Even when your freaking out on the inside or hate it. You just go cause this is your job and you don’t have an out. I noticed if someone gives me an out I will always take it. I started a different job couple weeks ago. The amount of things wrong with it or bad about it was insane. Ok it’s a place where we take care of people. They were remolding and painting everywhere with the people right there. They regularly were out of basic supplies. Just too many things and it all made me feel uncomfortable about it. This job I feel like it’s a right fit. I’m going to commit to it. I’m going to start making things. I’m going to study. I’m also going to start exercising and getting centered.

sick tired and had enough

I’m kind of sick of people at the moment. I’m tired of people shoving shit in my face. Yet again I come back to the fact I don’t like living with other people. I absolutely cannot trust people with shit. Not even with the smallest of shit. Do I have high expectations or standards. I really don’t think so. I really don’t expect much from people. I share the absolute minimum I need to. One thing they don’t disappoint on is making me feel like shit. I just want to be alone for a bit. People I seem to be around are never worth it. Tired of people not respecting me. I’m tired of people thinking they know what’s better for me. I’m tired of people saying there different then my ex and do all the same things. I don’t care if your upset thats no excuse to put me down. Fuck your apologies they mean nothing when you do it over and over again. He just seems to be full of empty gestures. Tired need to pack for day.

I hate

I hate that I always have to be the responsible person. I always have to plan. I always have to make sure things got done. I hate that my daughter will be so understanding and caring for her father. Then when it comes to me my daughter is harsh, mean, and just terrible. I was teaching my daughter something because her dad isn’t good at those kinds of things. When we were done she talked about how she is smarter then me. Like what the actual fudge. Sometimes I honestly can’t stand her. I make a point to not say negative things about her father around her. But he on the other hand has no problem saying shit to her about me. I’m tired of trying to give her everything and her treating me like shit. I’m emotionally drained and keep thinking of just going on the road.

Im ridiculous

Why am I so anxious about working tomorrow. Just stressed and freaking out. It’s ridiculous. I’m being a complete ass to my boyfriend. What is wrong with me. Errrr what the hell. Stop the shit and go. I’m going that’s it. I’m going to set alarms go to sleep and wake up for a new day. Make that money. Ok let’s do this.

Season people

Some people are just not worth it. It’s depressing to think like that but it’s true. Some people are not worth it you care about them are interested in there life. You help them with there issues but in the end just a waste of time. It’s like the saying there are people in your life for a season, a reason, or for life. So far seems like most of the people I have been around have been season people. Just a bunch of people who are not worth it. I’m someone who cares alot about the people I associate with. If your my friend I will give up everything for you. If I’m in a relationship with you then you mean the world to me. I know who I am and I’m not going to change and don’t want to. I love and care with all my heart and I’m done with people who can’t do the bare minimum. So good luck season people. I’m out. Peace.

shit friend

I recently connected with an old friend. We have known each other for over ten years. I was so excited to talk to them and spend time with them. This is probably the fifth time we were supposed to hangout and they just blew me off. At this point I really don’t see the point in saying anything. I was so excited to talk to him about things. Get his input and thoughts on things. Just a complete waste. I don’t see the point. It seems to happen any time I get excited for something. This is why I just don’t. I know better. I know to expect it to be shitty. Just lame.

What am I doing

I have so many thoughts. So many ideas. I want to plan to do so many things. I’m feeling so down and so unsure of everything. I’m not in the mood to do anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Seems like depression but I’m not even thinking about the future and that’s usually all I think about. My boyfriend is being so amazing and awesome but he’s just getting on my nerves. I don’t know why I just want to be alone. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I try to do thinkmgs like go swimming and I just zone out and end up wanting to go back home to lay in bed. I got a job and it seemed nice and pay was better than last job. But just seemed like red flags in a pretty package. I know it’s dumb but I’m still upset about my other job. I really cared about my residents and am worried about them. I also don’t care because the people I worked under where shit and absolutely didn’t care. I just feel done for a bit in my field. Which kinda sucks because I think I should go to school for it but I don’t know. Should I it kind of sucks. It’s not free schooling. I just don’t know and I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to about things. I probably do but I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about anything.

classical music

I watched a movie recently and it had some amazing classical music and honestly I’m in love. It was some beautiful cello music. I love a lot of types of music but lately classical music is really connecting with my depressed dark angry soul. It’s calming and exciting at the same time. I love listening to it when I’m depressed I just focus on the music and forget things for a moment. Then other times I listen to focus on something. If I was to learn an instrument I would want to know how to play the cello. I just love the deepness of it. Deep and dark sound just pure bliss for me.

more random thoughts of a stranger.

sleep

Sleep dream image Sleep to leave todayDream to miss those lostImage a beautiful day

Sometimes I choose to sleep as long as I can to have amazing dreams. Dreams my mom is still alive. Days with good dreams are hard to wake up and live the day.

Just getting by

feel like I’m just getting by. Not so much financially just emotionally. Like I’m running on fumes. On autopilot or just not in the moment. I’m either doing a lot of things or in bed all day long doing nothing. Thinking of writing some poetry so watch out for that shit pile coming.