depressed probably

I been feeling off for a while. I got excited to see a friend I haven’t seen in a while. They stood me up. I don’t think I know or have know anyone who has been reliable. I’ve also never know or been with anyone I feel completely comfortable with and actually open up with. So far I feel like I’ve only opened up 10 percent. Forever alone Forever silent. Always holding everything back.

emotionally exhausted

I had a horrible day at work. Just felt overwhelmed and emotionally spent. I’m just tired about everything. I don’t know how to feel about things. On a side note my daughter called for the dog in her sleep. Which was adorable. Said the dogs name like 10 times. She also watched one of my favorite movies with me and loved it. Ok I can only write this because my boyfriend is asleep. But deep down I feel like he doesn’t care about me at all. I don’t know if I’m just weird but when I care about someone I want to know everything about them. There likes there dislikes. I want to see the baby pics and there awkward high-school pictures. I want to know there hopes,dreams, the things that they can’t stand. Basically everything. I don’t know if it’s a chick thing because my ex also seemed to not care. But then again he only cared about himself. I have lived with this person a year. I feel like I know him but he’s also a stranger. He doesn’t have a single picture of me. Or seem to want to take any. I don’t know sometimes I feel like the relationship is one-sided. Just mainly with effort. I don’t know if I’m talking out my ass or what. But I don’t think if we didn’t live together he would put in any effort to see me. Sometimes I want to tell him to move out to see if he does make the effort. But that’s so shitty and childish. His life isn’t a game. I don’t know I just feel like running away. Im tired of feeling like everything is temporary. How he feels. No matter how hard I work or we’ll of a job I do. Everything is just temporary. Eventually he’s going to leave. I’m going to lose my job. I don’t know always feel like it’s because of me.

help

I am so tired of reaching out for help just to be shit on. At my job I rarely say anything then I randomly say I need help shit is hard and they start fucking with my schedule. At home my boyfriend wanted to be the one I talk to. But clearly only on his time. Sometimes I don’t want to talk I just want someone to hold me. But constantly just feel pushed away. I don’t like to open up at all then the rare moments I do every single time someone has to make sure I know it was a mistake.

Sincerely lonely girl

kinda done

life again

My stomach hurts. What the who. Feel like I been getting sick alot lately. I got alot of emotions lately also. Feel bunch of anxiety about going to work and just being gone from the house for long. I feel like I’m completely unsure of everything I do. I don’t want to be in the beginning phases of anything I want to feel like a seasoned pro. I been working the days at my job lately and everything is completely different. I feel useless. My relationship is also I don’t know. I think one thing one moment then the next just think the opposite. I’m still unable to open up about everything fully. I zombie out during the day then get all nervous and perinoided during the night stressing about everything. I keep just boredom eating so busy my mind. I’m scared about everything. My future my job my relationship. Should I do this for my career. Is this someone I should think about being with long term. Does everyone feel this unsure about life. Shit I struggle to be sure about what’s for dinner. Sometimes I feel like if I had more options it would be worst. People with less options it sucks but at least it’s clear what to do. I don’t know I’m all over the place. Feel like have the options but also none. Like I’m optimistic but also pessimistic. I feel exhausted yet wired. So much I want to do but also feel pointless. Talking to someone about how easy there problems are because I don’t have any emotions involved then I realize. I have issues solving my problems because I don’t trust myself.

ok this is random

but what the fuck. This mother chucker tell me I’m too much. Of all the shit my ex told me. This new ass telling me I’m too much hurt alot. I don’t know if it’s because he’s not my ex and I was trying so hard for him to feel how I cared about him. I’m hurt but also pissed. Like fuck you yeah I love holding your hand, and spending lots of time together, and I like sex. Is someone really going to complain about that. Who doesn’t love unconditional love. Like I’m sorry but are you kidding me. I did nothing but give and asked for nothing in return. I was making him things I’m not sure I’m going to actually see him again. I really just want to mail them to him. Then I think that’s shitty and I shouldn’t do that. But honestly so far I’m sticking to it and cutting contact. This is what he said he wanted in a relationship someone who he can rely/depend on, someone who is caring, funny, basically Someone who is there for me. But honestly I’m the only one who seems to want this. He says he shows his love by touch but I’m the one doing all the touching and always wanting hugs and cuddles. I just want someone who does what they say. Stop blowing smoke up my ass.

people

I do not understand people at all. I really dont. There’s some people I work with and randomly I feel like they are annoyed with me or something. I honestly don’t know. People I can not tell social situations you have to legit tell me. Even if you think that it is blatantly obvious you have to tell me. Me and my mind talk alot and I automatically assume most people don’t like me. So if someone actually doesn’t I can’t tell. Seriously people just say shit. I will not assume you like me. I will not get your trying to say something unless you just actually say it. Fuck being vague just flat out say what you want to.

don’t you change your damn mind

Don’t you change your damn mind. You know this is the right decision. Don’t change it because you like his cuddles. Fuck that bullshit. Don’t you dare be with someone who is going to say one thing and do another. He fucking choose to play a God damn game over hanging out with you. What kind of bullshit is that. You deserve better. You are willing to give him everything least he can fucking do is choose you over a damn game. Fucking stupid. No your not asking alot. Stop being ridiculous. You don’t mind watching him play but that’s not good enough so fuck that shit and move on. He can have his fucking game. Bit I’m watching you I’m serious don’t change your mind. Random thoughts for myself.

fuck this

What the fuck. Is this person serious. Person was supposed to come over and hangout. I made him his favorite cake because I wanted to do something nice. He comes over to spend the night hangs out for like an hour then says he has to do something for his family. Ok I ask If I can go because I want to do anything with him as long as I can spend time with him. He says no. Then he says by time he’s done doing it he would just want to go home. Ok whatever then. He tries cuddling again and I tell him he can just go. He then messages me to say sorry he pissed me off. No I wasn’t pissed off. I was hurt. I thought he wanted to spend time. All he did was come over we had sex and he left. So yeah I feel pretty stupid. If that’s all you want then say that. I actually want to spend time with people I like. Honestly I’m pretty done with the situation. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing someone to spend time with me. I don’t want someone who thinks I’m too much. Or can’t handle something they asked for. I’m also done with the limbo bullshit. I’m done listening to what people say instead of there actions. Because his actions show that I’m just a random distraction. Fuck that shit. I’m pulling the eject switch and distancing myself from this bullshit. Also fuck you acting like I’m alot. I give everything I can. I do as much as I can. I also show them how much I care if you want some fucking ice queen go find one. I’m going to find someone worthy of my love and attention. Someone who is grateful for it. Fucking bullshit. I’m gone

what am I doing

thoughts are all over the place. I can feel myself putting up a guard and self sabotaging. I like him alot but was going to tell him I need time. Then I buy him bunch of random shit online. Like what the fuck. I can see him Thursday but decide to spend time with someone else. Ok let me be real because I don’t really want him or anyone to read this. I can really see something for us. But I push him away and spend time with someone else. Ok I know why I’m doing it. Honestly because he actually spends time and wants too. He loves to cuddle. I like him but don’t see a future like I do the other guy. I don’t always make sense. Shit most of the time I don’t make any. I was tired and what do I do stay up all night. I’m watching a movie that makes me cry and I’m getting emotional. Also making dumb decisions. I want to just stay home and cuddle but I also feel like being impulsive and going to him. I’m tired of waiting for other people. I like him and want to see him. But I also think if he really wanted to he would. Sick of men acting like I don’t know why I’m single. Maybe it’s because you can’t even make the smallest of efforts. I want someone who’s going to treat me right make me feel amazing and special. But then I also feel like just taking anything and being with them. I’m a giver and an unconditional lover either way. I nonstop think about the person I’m with and do anything I can to make them happy. Plus I accept people for who they are I’m not in a relationship with someone to change them I’m with them because I enjoy them. I know I need to focus more on me but I honestly love the fact that I’m like that. I just need someone who’s going to appreciate it and treat me like they actually care about me. Sleep now more later. It’s all random shit anyway.

weak

I don’t know lately. When my ex tries to verbally hurt me it works so easily. I feel like I’m weak or more sensitive lately. I feel utterly alone. He said some things that make me hate everything about my body. Make me feel ashamed for every decision I make. He always accuses me of recording it. Why so people can hear the horrible shit you say. Why would I want anyone to know or hear it. I’m so ashamed. I feel so alone. I hate how he gets in my mind and completely crushes me. He makes me lose hope. I just want to curl into a ball and disappear. I want someone to hold me but I’m to embarrassed to tell people let alone let them know I’m hurting. I hate how we can go from bring able to communicate to him saying anything he can to hurt me as much as he can. Fell asleep so ending it here it’s shit anyway