Bullshit in movies

ok I legit watch the same movies again and again. Right now been watching how Harry met Sally. I got to call bullshit on one thing. It is utter bullshit that they slept together. There is no such thing as accidentally having sex. I’ve had alot of sex I shouldn’t of have but it wasn’t an accident. Like fuck his dick didn’t fall into my mouth or my vagina. Yes while it was happening I was most likely thinking what are you doing girl. But I like sex it’s fun I always get off. Moving on.

On breakfast at Tiffany’s Holly says she has no other options and needs to marry Rusty Trawler bitch get a job like apparently not even an option. Or just date men who have nice jobs but not rich. No she only can take rich men.

Fudge my mind is on this guy again. I’m tired of waiting and I feel like something is going to happen to mess everything up. I’m nervous about everything. I keep getting the feeling that if it ever went anywhere he would end up finding someone else and just leave randomly with a note or a text saying it’s not working out and he found someone else. I don’t know why because I feel like he’s great. Sweet, kind, caring, sexy smile, and goofy. He also isn’t sensitive about his man hood. Like he knows who he is and things people say don’t effect him. I got upset and he was upset that I was upset it was so different from what I had before. But I still don’t know how to take him. He seems like he wants to be serious but then says things that contradict it. Moving on once again.

I finally hung up something in my apartment. I painted the walls but I haven’t hung anything up. I hung up a lion blanket that was my mother’s. She always had it hung up wherever we lived. I had to get creative and used paperclips to hang it on nails. I have alot of art work at my exes but honestly just feel like starting new here. Just leave everything in my past that I didn’t like and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. There’s lots that I’ll keep. Like I love the fact I love unconditionally. I never want to change that. I need to stop doing things for people who treat me like shit or are just too lazy to do for themselves. Need to get up and do some things so ending here on a random thought. If I ever do find someone I want to marry. I want to propose and I’ll change my last name then not to his but to something else we think of. Yeah I like that idea.

smitten yet annoyed

One thing I am is a realist. I take blame for my ex treating me like shit mainly because I should of never let him begin treating me like shit. I’m absolutely certain of the fact that I have emotional damage from him and probably my family. So any time anything good happens to me I’m automatically waiting for the shit to hit the fan. When is it going to end or turn to shit. I am I’m going to call it smitten even know I feel like that’s a bullshit way to say crushing. But moving on I really really like my Lil alien. He’s sweet, nice, and considerate and doesn’t react like a psycho. Only thing is we have yet to hangout it’s just not lining up good for us to spend time. I feel like it could turn into something great but then I don’t know he says things that throw my mind off. We both said we’re not talking to other people but then he talks about moving out of state. I told him I wanted to wait to do anything physical and he says that’s fine and he’s just excited about spending time and watching movies. We already planning on making chicken and salad. Isn’t that adorable I’m really excited. I thought we were going to hangout this week coming up but he says another week. I know it’s sounding immature but I’m tired of waiting. Plus not going to lie I want someone to kiss and hug. I loath my ex but I miss having someone who could kiss. So many men are terrible at it I’m talking about horrible. Honestly I just try not kissing most of the time because it’s bad. I’m rambling I can’t focus my mind is all over the place. I’m worried about everything. Are we going to like each other in person. Will the kissing be good not to mention the sex. I’m beyond nervous about that. Another random thought I want Mac and cheese. What if his dog hates me. I’m all over the place. What if it’s just silence when we hangout. If it’s awkward we’ll probably have sex. If it’s good I would still want to have sex. What can I say I like sex. I’m tired kinda horny. Want to cuddle with someone. My one friend was having a hard time and came over to talk and we ended up cuddling honestly because he needed it. But I loved it also. It was nice. He was really in my arm pit for a good minute and I’m pretty sure I needed more deodorant but was nice. I don’t can’t even focus on one thing to talk about. I want to go on a trip. I thought the beach but no one seems to want to go. So I kinda feel like I’ll go somewhere alone. I really don’t know. I keep thinking just hangout with dude then I’m like I can wait. But in the back of my mind I think what if I wait and it’s horrible. What if he acts weird or smells. I know it’s dumb but I love a man that smells good. Look at that one asshole he was such a jackass but fuck he smelled good. My friend smelled good but honestly if I smell them on my couch or pillows when they leave I’m like eww. I want someone that I love there smell even when they leave. This is getting ridiculously long and rambling. So I’ll end it here.

the fucking feather shit

I am the worst fucking blogger. Every time I try writing a post I completely forget how I’m supposed to do it. I had the app and that worked good then I had to delete it cause my phone had no memory. I have since gotten a new phone. Ramble ramble random bullshit. I’m just not good at remembering random shit lately especially stupid shit on my phone. I know some shit my phone can do but honestly have no idea why or how to make it do some of the shit. I usually just accidentally get it to happen and am completely clueless how I did it. Just doing this hopefully it helps me remember.

drifting

I’m deep in the paranoia again. I got close to a someone and I feel like there drifting away from me. I don’t know if it’s me imagining things or if he actually is. I really like him. Ok I’m going to say it I’m dumb. We haven’t actually spent any time together like none. We have yet to meet. We have face called each other. But feel like it’s less and less. I don’t know if I did something wrong or if I’m imagining it. I really like him he’s sweet and creative. But I feel like I’m constantly asking him to spend time. Feel like I’m always the one who wants to spend time. I want someone who can’t wait to spend time with me. Someone who’s asking me when they can come see me because they miss me after two hours of being gone. Someone who wants to spend time with me when I do nothing. I feel like he could be that but I don’t know. I don’t trust myself and how I feel. I don’t trust the fact that I would know if he’s right. Look at my past I thought my ex was amazing he wasn’t perfect but I excepted him. Then it turned to a dumpster fire of shit. Just seems like I finally open up to people and they see and are not interested anymore. I’m getting tired and depressed so might sleep.

searching

I feel like I’m searching for something that doesn’t exist. A fantasy or fantom of my imagination. Or perhaps a lost item long forgotten lingering in far off distant unforseen land. I been alone for a long time. Mostly I’m ok with it. But it’s those rare moments that it’s unbearable. The moments seem to becoming more and more. I find myself longing for someone and something that will never happen and only be realized in a dream. It seems like everytime I feel brave enough and think someone is special enough to let in. They take one look around and head for the door. I keep acting like I don’t know what I’m doing with all my horrible life decisions lately. But deep down I know exactly what I’m doing. Trying to find just one person to accept and want me. I guess I need to change my strategy. I honestly want to give up. Utterly heart breaking to be thrown away without a second thought. I made a huge mistake and regret it. I look back and all I feel is disgust. All the things I let go, the way he treated me, the way he made me feel. What is wrong with me. I don’t want to have any communication at all with him. But hard now I long for a connection. For the feel of someone’s arms wrapped around mine holding me close. Feel beyond emotional lately. I been bottling up everything for so long. When I actually do let them out it’s this massive wave of hurt and pain hitting me all at once. I feel like I’m becoming more and more pathetic. I constantly beg my Lil alien to spend time with me. He says he wants to but also seems to be more distant. Seems most of what I say falls of deaf ears. It’s heartbreaking when your trying to share something and the response you receive is yeah. Did you even read it because you wouldn’t be saying that. I want someone to just hold me. Not try to do or say anything just hold me. But until that time I will continue to bundle myself in my blankets.

saboteur

Pretty fucking sure I self sabotage any potential relationships. I absolutely don’t trust people. But then again should I. Basically a fucking stranger. Am I just supposed to basically trust a stranger. Am I supposed to build trust. People lie and hide things for a long time. I want to believe people when they tell me things. But then I think why the hell would I. I was having a good night the other night then someone randomly messaged and said some off the wall shit. Then not even twenty minutes later someone else tells me some off the wall shit. Ok yes one was my ex and he never seems to be finished trying to hurt me. And yes I’m going to make an excuse for the other one he was drunk. Apparently wasted but either way the fuck. Just feel like people have no respect for me. What am I doing that people don’t give a shit about me. Random I think I’m done with people talking to me like shit. Especially on the fucking guise of a joke. Fuck that shit. I deserve more than that. Yes maybe I’m a little messy and not good at finishing one thing before I go on to another. But I know I’m kinda great. Especially in a relationship. I’m a person that gives all I can, loves unconditionally, and constantly tries to make the person I’m with happy. I’m done fucking around so post this random shit.

Lonely yet not

I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Sometimes I’m perfectly content but then I’ll feel incredibly lonely. I don’t know what I want yet at the same time I do. I want to spend time with someone yet I want to be alone. I want a relationship yet at the same time I’m worried about being in one. I know some of it is trauma from my ex. Because any time I think of a relationship I feel like it will be the end of my freedom. The end of me making my own decisions and plans. I absolutely love living alone. I like leaving when I want. Taking a bath for as long as I want. Not having to explain anything I’m doing. I do wish I had someone to spend time with sometimes. I love coming home to an empty quiet home. With everything in the same place I left it. Yes sometimes I wish someone was there to cuddle with but honestly I don’t know if I’ll find someone that can except me for who I am. A sometimes messy random crafty dork who likes to take long baths and do whatever she wants when she wants without explanation.

HURT

I hurt myself today. I seen it coming and I did it anyway. Then I tried blocking and ignoring the pain. Then it smacked me in the face like a ton of bricks. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately I seem almost desperate for something. Something I’ve honestly never had. I worry about myself alot lately something I never was able to do before. Somehow I miss something so bad. Yet I know I never had it before. I long to be close to someone. Honestly anyone. The sadness thats within me is heartbreaking. At moments impossible to contain. I’m exhausted from keeping up appearances and putting on a smile. I been bottling up my emotions so much anytime I allow myself to actually feel it’s beyond overwhelming. The other day a sad episode of something was on TV and I was uncontrolably bawling from it. I’m so use to not let any emotion out that when the brief second I do it’s like a enormous wave hits me. Millions of people in the world and I can’t find one that seems to genuinely care. Someone that treats me more than an object. Something to enjoy for a short time and move on and never think of again. There are some things I do that I absolutely love. But I do it without hesitation with people that toss me away. I know deep down that I do it because maybe if they will like it enough then they might be willing to actually accept me for who I am. It’s impossible for me to actually open up about myself but doing that hell yeah let’s go. I planned on not doing it and instantly do. I really want to be accepted but opening up to people is terrifying. I’m 31 years old and haven’t found a single person that genuinely seems to care for me. I tell people I want to wait u til we get to know each other better. But so far hasn’t happened. I was with my ex for 8 years and I feel like he barely knows me at all. 8 years I feel like all he knows is basic things and my family. It’s sad because I still blame myself for everything. For my ex treating me they way he did. For the guy who ditches me over a misunderstanding. The guy that I was talking to about everything to except what I like to do who then ghosted me. Even for the guy who talked to me like shit and like I was beneath him and makes me feel like an inconvenience to him who probably going to ghost me. I don’t know what I’m constantly doing wrong. People seem to have no problem throwing me away. Is it the people I’m talking to. None of them seem the same. I don’t trust myself I’m all over the place with men. No matter what I do or what I give I always seem to be an inconvenience to them. Something to merely occupy there time until something better comes along. I’m exhausted from the pain. Why can I be so easily thrown away and yet I miss them. I can’t get attached without feeling like I’m attached and will always care. I can’t let go of people so easily. I miss them even if they were terrible for me. I miss cuddling with them and being near them. But I’m tired of being the only one who seems to care. How do I shelter myself. Do I need to put up more walls. Because I feel like I already got them. Do I need to keep them at a distance for longer. I honestly don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I think it’s just me at this point. The loneliness is unbearable at times. I just want to be held. Until then I guess I’ll be uncomfortably numb.

Idk

I’m finally away from my asshole ex. Life is good. I’m talking to people but I honestly don’t trust myself not to date an asshole again. Like I love my apartment, love living alone, like my job. But I know I want someone. I want a relationship with someone I trust and care about. The only problem is I know I fall for someone easily. I don’t trust myself to find someone worth it. I already semi fell for someone who was an epic asshole. He barely had anything I liked about him. He smelled good, he had intense eyes and he slapped my ass hard and hot. Yet he had a laundry list of things wrong with him. Legit a huge damn list. Yet I was upset when he stopped talking to me why? I don’t know, I really make no sense. Dude was such an asshole and we only had good time when we cuddled. We went out it was bad and awkward as fuck. I randomly read one of my old post and I’m such a dork it’s hilarious. I always hear that people don’t change but that’s such bullshit. I use to hide everything about myself. Small little things that don’t matter at all to huge shit. Now I honestly couldn’t care less. I’ll tell anyone besides my coworkers. Cause fuck that none of there business. Ill answer any questions dudes ask me I couldn’t care less. I’m tired and should try to sleep. Even know I got to get up in a couple hours. Random thought I want the clapper. Fuck Alexa I want to clap for my light. Not ask some computer chick to turn it on and off. Ok night bitches. This tired hoe is out.

the fuck

Why the fuck am I thinking about a shitty guy. Ok let’s start I find him very attractive. He has hairy chest, smells amazing, has these intense eyes that make me horny, and slaps my ass like a beast. Ok here come the laundry list of red flags. The dude is a straight asshole, he doesn’t really show any interest in me, never wants to hangout, he drives like shit, likes Trump, semi racist kinda, calls women females like the fuck, he is a terrible kisser, he’s not very good in bed. He’s not terrible but was definitely not really satisfied afterwards. I mean I got off but just once. O and he acted like everything I did was the weirdest shit ever. Seriously everything I did. Me laughing alot me wanting him me liking taking pics of him. Why the fuck am I hung up on another asshole. Seriously. I thought I wanted to be alone but I honestly don’t I want to be in a relationship where I feel loved. I would also love some respect. Jesus shit you think that would be obvious but it’s not. I get little to no respect. I’m so done being nice and caring about people. Fuck that all it got me was hurt and thrown away. I’m going to be selfish and distant. Fuck this shit. Why fucking pretend to care. It’s fucking bullshit.