people

I do not understand people at all. I really dont. There’s some people I work with and randomly I feel like they are annoyed with me or something. I honestly don’t know. People I can not tell social situations you have to legit tell me. Even if you think that it is blatantly obvious you have to tell me. Me and my mind talk alot and I automatically assume most people don’t like me. So if someone actually doesn’t I can’t tell. Seriously people just say shit. I will not assume you like me. I will not get your trying to say something unless you just actually say it. Fuck being vague just flat out say what you want to.

don’t you change your damn mind

Don’t you change your damn mind. You know this is the right decision. Don’t change it because you like his cuddles. Fuck that bullshit. Don’t you dare be with someone who is going to say one thing and do another. He fucking choose to play a God damn game over hanging out with you. What kind of bullshit is that. You deserve better. You are willing to give him everything least he can fucking do is choose you over a damn game. Fucking stupid. No your not asking alot. Stop being ridiculous. You don’t mind watching him play but that’s not good enough so fuck that shit and move on. He can have his fucking game. Bit I’m watching you I’m serious don’t change your mind. Random thoughts for myself.

fuck this

What the fuck. Is this person serious. Person was supposed to come over and hangout. I made him his favorite cake because I wanted to do something nice. He comes over to spend the night hangs out for like an hour then says he has to do something for his family. Ok I ask If I can go because I want to do anything with him as long as I can spend time with him. He says no. Then he says by time he’s done doing it he would just want to go home. Ok whatever then. He tries cuddling again and I tell him he can just go. He then messages me to say sorry he pissed me off. No I wasn’t pissed off. I was hurt. I thought he wanted to spend time. All he did was come over we had sex and he left. So yeah I feel pretty stupid. If that’s all you want then say that. I actually want to spend time with people I like. Honestly I’m pretty done with the situation. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing someone to spend time with me. I don’t want someone who thinks I’m too much. Or can’t handle something they asked for. I’m also done with the limbo bullshit. I’m done listening to what people say instead of there actions. Because his actions show that I’m just a random distraction. Fuck that shit. I’m pulling the eject switch and distancing myself from this bullshit. Also fuck you acting like I’m alot. I give everything I can. I do as much as I can. I also show them how much I care if you want some fucking ice queen go find one. I’m going to find someone worthy of my love and attention. Someone who is grateful for it. Fucking bullshit. I’m gone

what am I doing

thoughts are all over the place. I can feel myself putting up a guard and self sabotaging. I like him alot but was going to tell him I need time. Then I buy him bunch of random shit online. Like what the fuck. I can see him Thursday but decide to spend time with someone else. Ok let me be real because I don’t really want him or anyone to read this. I can really see something for us. But I push him away and spend time with someone else. Ok I know why I’m doing it. Honestly because he actually spends time and wants too. He loves to cuddle. I like him but don’t see a future like I do the other guy. I don’t always make sense. Shit most of the time I don’t make any. I was tired and what do I do stay up all night. I’m watching a movie that makes me cry and I’m getting emotional. Also making dumb decisions. I want to just stay home and cuddle but I also feel like being impulsive and going to him. I’m tired of waiting for other people. I like him and want to see him. But I also think if he really wanted to he would. Sick of men acting like I don’t know why I’m single. Maybe it’s because you can’t even make the smallest of efforts. I want someone who’s going to treat me right make me feel amazing and special. But then I also feel like just taking anything and being with them. I’m a giver and an unconditional lover either way. I nonstop think about the person I’m with and do anything I can to make them happy. Plus I accept people for who they are I’m not in a relationship with someone to change them I’m with them because I enjoy them. I know I need to focus more on me but I honestly love the fact that I’m like that. I just need someone who’s going to appreciate it and treat me like they actually care about me. Sleep now more later. It’s all random shit anyway.

smitten yet annoyed

One thing I am is a realist. I take blame for my ex treating me like shit mainly because I should of never let him begin treating me like shit. I’m absolutely certain of the fact that I have emotional damage from him and probably my family. So any time anything good happens to me I’m automatically waiting for the shit to hit the fan. When is it going to end or turn to shit. I am I’m going to call it smitten even know I feel like that’s a bullshit way to say crushing. But moving on I really really like my Lil alien. He’s sweet, nice, and considerate and doesn’t react like a psycho. Only thing is we have yet to hangout it’s just not lining up good for us to spend time. I feel like it could turn into something great but then I don’t know he says things that throw my mind off. We both said we’re not talking to other people but then he talks about moving out of state. I told him I wanted to wait to do anything physical and he says that’s fine and he’s just excited about spending time and watching movies. We already planning on making chicken and salad. Isn’t that adorable I’m really excited. I thought we were going to hangout this week coming up but he says another week. I know it’s sounding immature but I’m tired of waiting. Plus not going to lie I want someone to kiss and hug. I loath my ex but I miss having someone who could kiss. So many men are terrible at it I’m talking about horrible. Honestly I just try not kissing most of the time because it’s bad. I’m rambling I can’t focus my mind is all over the place. I’m worried about everything. Are we going to like each other in person. Will the kissing be good not to mention the sex. I’m beyond nervous about that. Another random thought I want Mac and cheese. What if his dog hates me. I’m all over the place. What if it’s just silence when we hangout. If it’s awkward we’ll probably have sex. If it’s good I would still want to have sex. What can I say I like sex. I’m tired kinda horny. Want to cuddle with someone. My one friend was having a hard time and came over to talk and we ended up cuddling honestly because he needed it. But I loved it also. It was nice. He was really in my arm pit for a good minute and I’m pretty sure I needed more deodorant but was nice. I don’t can’t even focus on one thing to talk about. I want to go on a trip. I thought the beach but no one seems to want to go. So I kinda feel like I’ll go somewhere alone. I really don’t know. I keep thinking just hangout with dude then I’m like I can wait. But in the back of my mind I think what if I wait and it’s horrible. What if he acts weird or smells. I know it’s dumb but I love a man that smells good. Look at that one asshole he was such a jackass but fuck he smelled good. My friend smelled good but honestly if I smell them on my couch or pillows when they leave I’m like eww. I want someone that I love there smell even when they leave. This is getting ridiculously long and rambling. So I’ll end it here.

the fucking feather shit

I am the worst fucking blogger. Every time I try writing a post I completely forget how I’m supposed to do it. I had the app and that worked good then I had to delete it cause my phone had no memory. I have since gotten a new phone. Ramble ramble random bullshit. I’m just not good at remembering random shit lately especially stupid shit on my phone. I know some shit my phone can do but honestly have no idea why or how to make it do some of the shit. I usually just accidentally get it to happen and am completely clueless how I did it. Just doing this hopefully it helps me remember.

drifting

I’m deep in the paranoia again. I got close to a someone and I feel like there drifting away from me. I don’t know if it’s me imagining things or if he actually is. I really like him. Ok I’m going to say it I’m dumb. We haven’t actually spent any time together like none. We have yet to meet. We have face called each other. But feel like it’s less and less. I don’t know if I did something wrong or if I’m imagining it. I really like him he’s sweet and creative. But I feel like I’m constantly asking him to spend time. Feel like I’m always the one who wants to spend time. I want someone who can’t wait to spend time with me. Someone who’s asking me when they can come see me because they miss me after two hours of being gone. Someone who wants to spend time with me when I do nothing. I feel like he could be that but I don’t know. I don’t trust myself and how I feel. I don’t trust the fact that I would know if he’s right. Look at my past I thought my ex was amazing he wasn’t perfect but I excepted him. Then it turned to a dumpster fire of shit. Just seems like I finally open up to people and they see and are not interested anymore. I’m getting tired and depressed so might sleep.

searching

I feel like I’m searching for something that doesn’t exist. A fantasy or fantom of my imagination. Or perhaps a lost item long forgotten lingering in far off distant unforseen land. I been alone for a long time. Mostly I’m ok with it. But it’s those rare moments that it’s unbearable. The moments seem to becoming more and more. I find myself longing for someone and something that will never happen and only be realized in a dream. It seems like everytime I feel brave enough and think someone is special enough to let in. They take one look around and head for the door. I keep acting like I don’t know what I’m doing with all my horrible life decisions lately. But deep down I know exactly what I’m doing. Trying to find just one person to accept and want me. I guess I need to change my strategy. I honestly want to give up. Utterly heart breaking to be thrown away without a second thought. I made a huge mistake and regret it. I look back and all I feel is disgust. All the things I let go, the way he treated me, the way he made me feel. What is wrong with me. I don’t want to have any communication at all with him. But hard now I long for a connection. For the feel of someone’s arms wrapped around mine holding me close. Feel beyond emotional lately. I been bottling up everything for so long. When I actually do let them out it’s this massive wave of hurt and pain hitting me all at once. I feel like I’m becoming more and more pathetic. I constantly beg my Lil alien to spend time with me. He says he wants to but also seems to be more distant. Seems most of what I say falls of deaf ears. It’s heartbreaking when your trying to share something and the response you receive is yeah. Did you even read it because you wouldn’t be saying that. I want someone to just hold me. Not try to do or say anything just hold me. But until that time I will continue to bundle myself in my blankets.

saboteur

Pretty fucking sure I self sabotage any potential relationships. I absolutely don’t trust people. But then again should I. Basically a fucking stranger. Am I just supposed to basically trust a stranger. Am I supposed to build trust. People lie and hide things for a long time. I want to believe people when they tell me things. But then I think why the hell would I. I was having a good night the other night then someone randomly messaged and said some off the wall shit. Then not even twenty minutes later someone else tells me some off the wall shit. Ok yes one was my ex and he never seems to be finished trying to hurt me. And yes I’m going to make an excuse for the other one he was drunk. Apparently wasted but either way the fuck. Just feel like people have no respect for me. What am I doing that people don’t give a shit about me. Random I think I’m done with people talking to me like shit. Especially on the fucking guise of a joke. Fuck that shit. I deserve more than that. Yes maybe I’m a little messy and not good at finishing one thing before I go on to another. But I know I’m kinda great. Especially in a relationship. I’m a person that gives all I can, loves unconditionally, and constantly tries to make the person I’m with happy. I’m done fucking around so post this random shit.

Lonely yet not

I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Sometimes I’m perfectly content but then I’ll feel incredibly lonely. I don’t know what I want yet at the same time I do. I want to spend time with someone yet I want to be alone. I want a relationship yet at the same time I’m worried about being in one. I know some of it is trauma from my ex. Because any time I think of a relationship I feel like it will be the end of my freedom. The end of me making my own decisions and plans. I absolutely love living alone. I like leaving when I want. Taking a bath for as long as I want. Not having to explain anything I’m doing. I do wish I had someone to spend time with sometimes. I love coming home to an empty quiet home. With everything in the same place I left it. Yes sometimes I wish someone was there to cuddle with but honestly I don’t know if I’ll find someone that can except me for who I am. A sometimes messy random crafty dork who likes to take long baths and do whatever she wants when she wants without explanation.