I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Sometimes I’m perfectly content but then I’ll feel incredibly lonely. I don’t know what I want yet at the same time I do. I want to spend time with someone yet I want to be alone. I want a relationship yet at the same time I’m worried about being in one. I know some of it is trauma from my ex. Because any time I think of a relationship I feel like it will be the end of my freedom. The end of me making my own decisions and plans. I absolutely love living alone. I like leaving when I want. Taking a bath for as long as I want. Not having to explain anything I’m doing. I do wish I had someone to spend time with sometimes. I love coming home to an empty quiet home. With everything in the same place I left it. Yes sometimes I wish someone was there to cuddle with but honestly I don’t know if I’ll find someone that can except me for who I am. A sometimes messy random crafty dork who likes to take long baths and do whatever she wants when she wants without explanation.
Tag: asshole
Idk
I’m finally away from my asshole ex. Life is good. I’m talking to people but I honestly don’t trust myself not to date an asshole again. Like I love my apartment, love living alone, like my job. But I know I want someone. I want a relationship with someone I trust and care about. The only problem is I know I fall for someone easily. I don’t trust myself to find someone worth it. I already semi fell for someone who was an epic asshole. He barely had anything I liked about him. He smelled good, he had intense eyes and he slapped my ass hard and hot. Yet he had a laundry list of things wrong with him. Legit a huge damn list. Yet I was upset when he stopped talking to me why? I don’t know, I really make no sense. Dude was such an asshole and we only had good time when we cuddled. We went out it was bad and awkward as fuck. I randomly read one of my old post and I’m such a dork it’s hilarious. I always hear that people don’t change but that’s such bullshit. I use to hide everything about myself. Small little things that don’t matter at all to huge shit. Now I honestly couldn’t care less. I’ll tell anyone besides my coworkers. Cause fuck that none of there business. Ill answer any questions dudes ask me I couldn’t care less. I’m tired and should try to sleep. Even know I got to get up in a couple hours. Random thought I want the clapper. Fuck Alexa I want to clap for my light. Not ask some computer chick to turn it on and off. Ok night bitches. This tired hoe is out.
the fuck
Why the fuck am I thinking about a shitty guy. Ok let’s start I find him very attractive. He has hairy chest, smells amazing, has these intense eyes that make me horny, and slaps my ass like a beast. Ok here come the laundry list of red flags. The dude is a straight asshole, he doesn’t really show any interest in me, never wants to hangout, he drives like shit, likes Trump, semi racist kinda, calls women females like the fuck, he is a terrible kisser, he’s not very good in bed. He’s not terrible but was definitely not really satisfied afterwards. I mean I got off but just once. O and he acted like everything I did was the weirdest shit ever. Seriously everything I did. Me laughing alot me wanting him me liking taking pics of him. Why the fuck am I hung up on another asshole. Seriously. I thought I wanted to be alone but I honestly don’t I want to be in a relationship where I feel loved. I would also love some respect. Jesus shit you think that would be obvious but it’s not. I get little to no respect. I’m so done being nice and caring about people. Fuck that all it got me was hurt and thrown away. I’m going to be selfish and distant. Fuck this shit. Why fucking pretend to care. It’s fucking bullshit.
whats wrong with me
ok talking to someone new and it’s like I’m instantly addicted to him. The way he smells makes me horny. His body hair also turn on. His big lips again turn on. I’m so attracted to him. Ok don’t judge but we were cuddling and omg it was amazing I love it . He makes me feel so secure and loved. And yeah did I mention it’s been like a week and a half. Like wtf is wrong with me. I just want to give him everything, do everything he wants me to do, and be near him constantly like wtf. He’s got red flags and it’s like I don’t even notice them when he’s around. When he leaves I’m like oooo that’s kinda bad. Then I see him again and I’m like red what. I feel like it’s one way. Like I’m addicted to him and he’s like ehh I’ll hang. I told him I’ll tell him anything just ask. Then I told him a bunch of stuff. I don’t know anything about him besides he wants a dog. He just jokes about most things then sprinkles some truth in and expects me to know. I really don’t know what was a joke and what’s not. I really don’t have any idea if he likes me. I hate I can’t talk about anything because he’s always joking. Idk there’s something wrong with me.
Where is my mind
Sometimes I wonder where is my mind. I put dates on things today for my job and I put two months ago date. Like wtf what was I thinking. Then later I was thinking of snacking and I randomly thought of something I haven’t ate in years. It’s going to sound gross but saltines with American cheese and mustard. Yeah I know wtf gross but I love it. Then later I thought about when I worked some shitty job and we’re getting free food and I didn’t get good shit I got basic shit because I didn’t want to sound greedy. Like fuck that shit job should of got insane amount of food. It was an ok job but this one guy made me incredibly uncomfortable working there. Always say random shit that creeped me out. He said he looked up my Facebook page. First of all I don’t have one because my dude is insane. Secondly is that normal to look people up on Facebook that you work with. I have no interest in looking my coworkers up on Facebook like shit I don’t care about your holiday pics or the dumb shit you post. Fucking creeped me out. I ended up leaving because he made me so uncomfortable. It honestly took me a while to consider he was harrasing me. I didn’t see the point to say anything. I’m tired and watching some bullshit tv. Might start posting more stuff. I don’t know.
This bish
I was working the other day with someone I’m not really a fan of but friendly with because work. This person was talking about how they would never rent. They then look at me and ask me if I rent. I tell them yes. This bish then looks at me and tells me I feel sorry for you that you rent. Like bish please excuse me while I eye roll like no tomorrow. First of all houses are expensive. Second I don’t have money for a down payment. Let alone have any idea where I would be getting a home. I like my job but the odds of staying here long is not likely. I also want to continue my education and buying a house on top of that just adds more stress. Like what the fuck is wrong with people they think saying that is at all appropriate let alone not insanely rude. Fucking people now a days like shit I think some real rude bitchy shit rarely ever do I say this shit out loud. We do not need to share everything we think with people. Like damn this is one of the fucking reasons I hate people. They got to open there dumbass mouths and say some ignorant shit and act like nothing. Who raised you because they didn’t teach you to have any manners.
Fuck explaining myself
Fuck explaining myself. I am thirty years old, take care of my child, and pay my own bills. Why the fuck do I always have to explain myself. I was doing regular nothing shit. This jackass was about to wake up. Then thought about his usual morning wood and got horny. He wakes up like asshat and ask who made me horny. Like sometimes I’m just horny. Like fuck off with your assholeness. Tired of instead of just saying no he’s got to wake up accusing me of shit and being an asshole.
Resentment
One of the things I never thought I would feel is resentment for other people. People who don’t get called a fat ass every single day. People who just get to do things without someone telling them there shit and worthless. Seems like every time I leave the house I’m on the verge of tears. How does someone feel treat someone the way he does then just no even think about it. Scream at me as soon as he wakes up. Then just go to work and talk to people about everyday shit. All the times hes called me names and put me down there was only one time he said he was sorry. I made dinner for his mom’s birthday. Later he got mad call me fatass disgusting loser and dinner was fucking gross. Later he sad sorry that dinner was good. Never said anything else about all the other shit he said. How does someone say such horrible things every single fucking time. One time I was upset and said something about his teeth because he has bad teeth. I instantly felt like shit and lucky he already walked away and didn’t hear me. That was one fucking time to deaf ears. He sinks to the lowest every single time. Today he told me I better not be pregnant because I’m a shit mom. Then he continues if I am I better get a fucking abortion. Seems like every day I’m off I just want to do nothing but sleep so I don’t have to deal with him. He keeps saying I love to play the victim and say everyone treats me like shit. Absolutely not no one treats me like he does. Mostly I’m invisible and I’m mainly ok with that. I’m tired of being treated like shit. All I want to do is have a regular life. Where I don’t have ask permission to do things or get treated like a child when he’s mad. The other day he refused to take me to work. He doesn’t let me use the internet. I did laundry at the laundry mat yesterday and he acted like I was being rediculous because I wanted to take my phone. No I don’t want to sit for hours doing nothing. I want to be able to go through out my day without getting screamed at or belittled. I would like to actually show interest in the things I like and not be worried someone is going to shit talk it and tell me how stupid I am for liking it. He seems to find endless amount of things to insult me with lately it’s been I’m old. Even know he’s older than me he’s been saying shit about me being old. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I try to keep the peace but seems like nothing I do is good. Im just tired of trying. Just feel utterly alone.
Hate this fucking dude
This piece of shit. Fuck this damn dude. Stupid asshole saying shit in front of my kid. What kind of piece of shit involves a child in our argument. Telling her I’m going to neglect her. Fucking sack of shit. God damnit as mad as he’s gotten me I never tell my daughter anything. fucking low life. seriously the lowest piece of shit.
Don’t look unless you expect the worst
Ok I bought a bike preparing for the day this jackass refuses to take me to work. It was the cheapest bike I could buy. I don’t normally buy things for myself but I bought this for me. I of course still got to hear shit about how I’m a selfish bitch and shitty mom. I got the mail the other day and automatically just put in my bag on my way to work. Today I looked at it it was some bs and his bank statement. Usually I don’t look at it but did this time. And fuvking a this ass hat spent shit ton of money without saying a fucking word. I talked about buying the bike. This dip shit spends over three grand without batting a fucking eye. I really want this fucking human garbage out of my fucking life. I don’t need this selfish ass hat putting me down and spending shit ton of money behind my back. Fuck you fuck you stupid asshole I hate you. Spending money that wasn’t even yours. Selfish fucking prick.
shit life 