I been feeling off for a while. I got excited to see a friend I haven’t seen in a while. They stood me up. I don’t think I know or have know anyone who has been reliable. I’ve also never know or been with anyone I feel completely comfortable with and actually open up with. So far I feel like I’ve only opened up 10 percent. Forever alone Forever silent. Always holding everything back.
Tag: blog
emotionally exhausted
I had a horrible day at work. Just felt overwhelmed and emotionally spent. I’m just tired about everything. I don’t know how to feel about things. On a side note my daughter called for the dog in her sleep. Which was adorable. Said the dogs name like 10 times. She also watched one of my favorite movies with me and loved it. Ok I can only write this because my boyfriend is asleep. But deep down I feel like he doesn’t care about me at all. I don’t know if I’m just weird but when I care about someone I want to know everything about them. There likes there dislikes. I want to see the baby pics and there awkward high-school pictures. I want to know there hopes,dreams, the things that they can’t stand. Basically everything. I don’t know if it’s a chick thing because my ex also seemed to not care. But then again he only cared about himself. I have lived with this person a year. I feel like I know him but he’s also a stranger. He doesn’t have a single picture of me. Or seem to want to take any. I don’t know sometimes I feel like the relationship is one-sided. Just mainly with effort. I don’t know if I’m talking out my ass or what. But I don’t think if we didn’t live together he would put in any effort to see me. Sometimes I want to tell him to move out to see if he does make the effort. But that’s so shitty and childish. His life isn’t a game. I don’t know I just feel like running away. Im tired of feeling like everything is temporary. How he feels. No matter how hard I work or we’ll of a job I do. Everything is just temporary. Eventually he’s going to leave. I’m going to lose my job. I don’t know always feel like it’s because of me.
help
I am so tired of reaching out for help just to be shit on. At my job I rarely say anything then I randomly say I need help shit is hard and they start fucking with my schedule. At home my boyfriend wanted to be the one I talk to. But clearly only on his time. Sometimes I don’t want to talk I just want someone to hold me. But constantly just feel pushed away. I don’t like to open up at all then the rare moments I do every single time someone has to make sure I know it was a mistake.
Sincerely lonely girl
kinda done
life again
My stomach hurts. What the who. Feel like I been getting sick alot lately. I got alot of emotions lately also. Feel bunch of anxiety about going to work and just being gone from the house for long. I feel like I’m completely unsure of everything I do. I don’t want to be in the beginning phases of anything I want to feel like a seasoned pro. I been working the days at my job lately and everything is completely different. I feel useless. My relationship is also I don’t know. I think one thing one moment then the next just think the opposite. I’m still unable to open up about everything fully. I zombie out during the day then get all nervous and perinoided during the night stressing about everything. I keep just boredom eating so busy my mind. I’m scared about everything. My future my job my relationship. Should I do this for my career. Is this someone I should think about being with long term. Does everyone feel this unsure about life. Shit I struggle to be sure about what’s for dinner. Sometimes I feel like if I had more options it would be worst. People with less options it sucks but at least it’s clear what to do. I don’t know I’m all over the place. Feel like have the options but also none. Like I’m optimistic but also pessimistic. I feel exhausted yet wired. So much I want to do but also feel pointless. Talking to someone about how easy there problems are because I don’t have any emotions involved then I realize. I have issues solving my problems because I don’t trust myself.
ok this is random
but what the fuck. This mother chucker tell me I’m too much. Of all the shit my ex told me. This new ass telling me I’m too much hurt alot. I don’t know if it’s because he’s not my ex and I was trying so hard for him to feel how I cared about him. I’m hurt but also pissed. Like fuck you yeah I love holding your hand, and spending lots of time together, and I like sex. Is someone really going to complain about that. Who doesn’t love unconditional love. Like I’m sorry but are you kidding me. I did nothing but give and asked for nothing in return. I was making him things I’m not sure I’m going to actually see him again. I really just want to mail them to him. Then I think that’s shitty and I shouldn’t do that. But honestly so far I’m sticking to it and cutting contact. This is what he said he wanted in a relationship someone who he can rely/depend on, someone who is caring, funny, basically Someone who is there for me. But honestly I’m the only one who seems to want this. He says he shows his love by touch but I’m the one doing all the touching and always wanting hugs and cuddles. I just want someone who does what they say. Stop blowing smoke up my ass.
people
I do not understand people at all. I really dont. There’s some people I work with and randomly I feel like they are annoyed with me or something. I honestly don’t know. People I can not tell social situations you have to legit tell me. Even if you think that it is blatantly obvious you have to tell me. Me and my mind talk alot and I automatically assume most people don’t like me. So if someone actually doesn’t I can’t tell. Seriously people just say shit. I will not assume you like me. I will not get your trying to say something unless you just actually say it. Fuck being vague just flat out say what you want to.
fuck this
What the fuck. Is this person serious. Person was supposed to come over and hangout. I made him his favorite cake because I wanted to do something nice. He comes over to spend the night hangs out for like an hour then says he has to do something for his family. Ok I ask If I can go because I want to do anything with him as long as I can spend time with him. He says no. Then he says by time he’s done doing it he would just want to go home. Ok whatever then. He tries cuddling again and I tell him he can just go. He then messages me to say sorry he pissed me off. No I wasn’t pissed off. I was hurt. I thought he wanted to spend time. All he did was come over we had sex and he left. So yeah I feel pretty stupid. If that’s all you want then say that. I actually want to spend time with people I like. Honestly I’m pretty done with the situation. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing someone to spend time with me. I don’t want someone who thinks I’m too much. Or can’t handle something they asked for. I’m also done with the limbo bullshit. I’m done listening to what people say instead of there actions. Because his actions show that I’m just a random distraction. Fuck that shit. I’m pulling the eject switch and distancing myself from this bullshit. Also fuck you acting like I’m alot. I give everything I can. I do as much as I can. I also show them how much I care if you want some fucking ice queen go find one. I’m going to find someone worthy of my love and attention. Someone who is grateful for it. Fucking bullshit. I’m gone
weak
I don’t know lately. When my ex tries to verbally hurt me it works so easily. I feel like I’m weak or more sensitive lately. I feel utterly alone. He said some things that make me hate everything about my body. Make me feel ashamed for every decision I make. He always accuses me of recording it. Why so people can hear the horrible shit you say. Why would I want anyone to know or hear it. I’m so ashamed. I feel so alone. I hate how he gets in my mind and completely crushes me. He makes me lose hope. I just want to curl into a ball and disappear. I want someone to hold me but I’m to embarrassed to tell people let alone let them know I’m hurting. I hate how we can go from bring able to communicate to him saying anything he can to hurt me as much as he can. Fell asleep so ending it here it’s shit anyway
Bullshit in movies
ok I legit watch the same movies again and again. Right now been watching how Harry met Sally. I got to call bullshit on one thing. It is utter bullshit that they slept together. There is no such thing as accidentally having sex. I’ve had alot of sex I shouldn’t of have but it wasn’t an accident. Like fuck his dick didn’t fall into my mouth or my vagina. Yes while it was happening I was most likely thinking what are you doing girl. But I like sex it’s fun I always get off. Moving on.
On breakfast at Tiffany’s Holly says she has no other options and needs to marry Rusty Trawler bitch get a job like apparently not even an option. Or just date men who have nice jobs but not rich. No she only can take rich men.
Fudge my mind is on this guy again. I’m tired of waiting and I feel like something is going to happen to mess everything up. I’m nervous about everything. I keep getting the feeling that if it ever went anywhere he would end up finding someone else and just leave randomly with a note or a text saying it’s not working out and he found someone else. I don’t know why because I feel like he’s great. Sweet, kind, caring, sexy smile, and goofy. He also isn’t sensitive about his man hood. Like he knows who he is and things people say don’t effect him. I got upset and he was upset that I was upset it was so different from what I had before. But I still don’t know how to take him. He seems like he wants to be serious but then says things that contradict it. Moving on once again.
I finally hung up something in my apartment. I painted the walls but I haven’t hung anything up. I hung up a lion blanket that was my mother’s. She always had it hung up wherever we lived. I had to get creative and used paperclips to hang it on nails. I have alot of art work at my exes but honestly just feel like starting new here. Just leave everything in my past that I didn’t like and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. There’s lots that I’ll keep. Like I love the fact I love unconditionally. I never want to change that. I need to stop doing things for people who treat me like shit or are just too lazy to do for themselves. Need to get up and do some things so ending here on a random thought. If I ever do find someone I want to marry. I want to propose and I’ll change my last name then not to his but to something else we think of. Yeah I like that idea.
smitten yet annoyed
One thing I am is a realist. I take blame for my ex treating me like shit mainly because I should of never let him begin treating me like shit. I’m absolutely certain of the fact that I have emotional damage from him and probably my family. So any time anything good happens to me I’m automatically waiting for the shit to hit the fan. When is it going to end or turn to shit. I am I’m going to call it smitten even know I feel like that’s a bullshit way to say crushing. But moving on I really really like my Lil alien. He’s sweet, nice, and considerate and doesn’t react like a psycho. Only thing is we have yet to hangout it’s just not lining up good for us to spend time. I feel like it could turn into something great but then I don’t know he says things that throw my mind off. We both said we’re not talking to other people but then he talks about moving out of state. I told him I wanted to wait to do anything physical and he says that’s fine and he’s just excited about spending time and watching movies. We already planning on making chicken and salad. Isn’t that adorable I’m really excited. I thought we were going to hangout this week coming up but he says another week. I know it’s sounding immature but I’m tired of waiting. Plus not going to lie I want someone to kiss and hug. I loath my ex but I miss having someone who could kiss. So many men are terrible at it I’m talking about horrible. Honestly I just try not kissing most of the time because it’s bad. I’m rambling I can’t focus my mind is all over the place. I’m worried about everything. Are we going to like each other in person. Will the kissing be good not to mention the sex. I’m beyond nervous about that. Another random thought I want Mac and cheese. What if his dog hates me. I’m all over the place. What if it’s just silence when we hangout. If it’s awkward we’ll probably have sex. If it’s good I would still want to have sex. What can I say I like sex. I’m tired kinda horny. Want to cuddle with someone. My one friend was having a hard time and came over to talk and we ended up cuddling honestly because he needed it. But I loved it also. It was nice. He was really in my arm pit for a good minute and I’m pretty sure I needed more deodorant but was nice. I don’t can’t even focus on one thing to talk about. I want to go on a trip. I thought the beach but no one seems to want to go. So I kinda feel like I’ll go somewhere alone. I really don’t know. I keep thinking just hangout with dude then I’m like I can wait. But in the back of my mind I think what if I wait and it’s horrible. What if he acts weird or smells. I know it’s dumb but I love a man that smells good. Look at that one asshole he was such a jackass but fuck he smelled good. My friend smelled good but honestly if I smell them on my couch or pillows when they leave I’m like eww. I want someone that I love there smell even when they leave. This is getting ridiculously long and rambling. So I’ll end it here.
shit life 