the fucking feather shit

I am the worst fucking blogger. Every time I try writing a post I completely forget how I’m supposed to do it. I had the app and that worked good then I had to delete it cause my phone had no memory. I have since gotten a new phone. Ramble ramble random bullshit. I’m just not good at remembering random shit lately especially stupid shit on my phone. I know some shit my phone can do but honestly have no idea why or how to make it do some of the shit. I usually just accidentally get it to happen and am completely clueless how I did it. Just doing this hopefully it helps me remember.

drifting

I’m deep in the paranoia again. I got close to a someone and I feel like there drifting away from me. I don’t know if it’s me imagining things or if he actually is. I really like him. Ok I’m going to say it I’m dumb. We haven’t actually spent any time together like none. We have yet to meet. We have face called each other. But feel like it’s less and less. I don’t know if I did something wrong or if I’m imagining it. I really like him he’s sweet and creative. But I feel like I’m constantly asking him to spend time. Feel like I’m always the one who wants to spend time. I want someone who can’t wait to spend time with me. Someone who’s asking me when they can come see me because they miss me after two hours of being gone. Someone who wants to spend time with me when I do nothing. I feel like he could be that but I don’t know. I don’t trust myself and how I feel. I don’t trust the fact that I would know if he’s right. Look at my past I thought my ex was amazing he wasn’t perfect but I excepted him. Then it turned to a dumpster fire of shit. Just seems like I finally open up to people and they see and are not interested anymore. I’m getting tired and depressed so might sleep.

searching

I feel like I’m searching for something that doesn’t exist. A fantasy or fantom of my imagination. Or perhaps a lost item long forgotten lingering in far off distant unforseen land. I been alone for a long time. Mostly I’m ok with it. But it’s those rare moments that it’s unbearable. The moments seem to becoming more and more. I find myself longing for someone and something that will never happen and only be realized in a dream. It seems like everytime I feel brave enough and think someone is special enough to let in. They take one look around and head for the door. I keep acting like I don’t know what I’m doing with all my horrible life decisions lately. But deep down I know exactly what I’m doing. Trying to find just one person to accept and want me. I guess I need to change my strategy. I honestly want to give up. Utterly heart breaking to be thrown away without a second thought. I made a huge mistake and regret it. I look back and all I feel is disgust. All the things I let go, the way he treated me, the way he made me feel. What is wrong with me. I don’t want to have any communication at all with him. But hard now I long for a connection. For the feel of someone’s arms wrapped around mine holding me close. Feel beyond emotional lately. I been bottling up everything for so long. When I actually do let them out it’s this massive wave of hurt and pain hitting me all at once. I feel like I’m becoming more and more pathetic. I constantly beg my Lil alien to spend time with me. He says he wants to but also seems to be more distant. Seems most of what I say falls of deaf ears. It’s heartbreaking when your trying to share something and the response you receive is yeah. Did you even read it because you wouldn’t be saying that. I want someone to just hold me. Not try to do or say anything just hold me. But until that time I will continue to bundle myself in my blankets.

saboteur

Pretty fucking sure I self sabotage any potential relationships. I absolutely don’t trust people. But then again should I. Basically a fucking stranger. Am I just supposed to basically trust a stranger. Am I supposed to build trust. People lie and hide things for a long time. I want to believe people when they tell me things. But then I think why the hell would I. I was having a good night the other night then someone randomly messaged and said some off the wall shit. Then not even twenty minutes later someone else tells me some off the wall shit. Ok yes one was my ex and he never seems to be finished trying to hurt me. And yes I’m going to make an excuse for the other one he was drunk. Apparently wasted but either way the fuck. Just feel like people have no respect for me. What am I doing that people don’t give a shit about me. Random I think I’m done with people talking to me like shit. Especially on the fucking guise of a joke. Fuck that shit. I deserve more than that. Yes maybe I’m a little messy and not good at finishing one thing before I go on to another. But I know I’m kinda great. Especially in a relationship. I’m a person that gives all I can, loves unconditionally, and constantly tries to make the person I’m with happy. I’m done fucking around so post this random shit.

Lonely yet not

I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Sometimes I’m perfectly content but then I’ll feel incredibly lonely. I don’t know what I want yet at the same time I do. I want to spend time with someone yet I want to be alone. I want a relationship yet at the same time I’m worried about being in one. I know some of it is trauma from my ex. Because any time I think of a relationship I feel like it will be the end of my freedom. The end of me making my own decisions and plans. I absolutely love living alone. I like leaving when I want. Taking a bath for as long as I want. Not having to explain anything I’m doing. I do wish I had someone to spend time with sometimes. I love coming home to an empty quiet home. With everything in the same place I left it. Yes sometimes I wish someone was there to cuddle with but honestly I don’t know if I’ll find someone that can except me for who I am. A sometimes messy random crafty dork who likes to take long baths and do whatever she wants when she wants without explanation.

HURT

I hurt myself today. I seen it coming and I did it anyway. Then I tried blocking and ignoring the pain. Then it smacked me in the face like a ton of bricks. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately I seem almost desperate for something. Something I’ve honestly never had. I worry about myself alot lately something I never was able to do before. Somehow I miss something so bad. Yet I know I never had it before. I long to be close to someone. Honestly anyone. The sadness thats within me is heartbreaking. At moments impossible to contain. I’m exhausted from keeping up appearances and putting on a smile. I been bottling up my emotions so much anytime I allow myself to actually feel it’s beyond overwhelming. The other day a sad episode of something was on TV and I was uncontrolably bawling from it. I’m so use to not let any emotion out that when the brief second I do it’s like a enormous wave hits me. Millions of people in the world and I can’t find one that seems to genuinely care. Someone that treats me more than an object. Something to enjoy for a short time and move on and never think of again. There are some things I do that I absolutely love. But I do it without hesitation with people that toss me away. I know deep down that I do it because maybe if they will like it enough then they might be willing to actually accept me for who I am. It’s impossible for me to actually open up about myself but doing that hell yeah let’s go. I planned on not doing it and instantly do. I really want to be accepted but opening up to people is terrifying. I’m 31 years old and haven’t found a single person that genuinely seems to care for me. I tell people I want to wait u til we get to know each other better. But so far hasn’t happened. I was with my ex for 8 years and I feel like he barely knows me at all. 8 years I feel like all he knows is basic things and my family. It’s sad because I still blame myself for everything. For my ex treating me they way he did. For the guy who ditches me over a misunderstanding. The guy that I was talking to about everything to except what I like to do who then ghosted me. Even for the guy who talked to me like shit and like I was beneath him and makes me feel like an inconvenience to him who probably going to ghost me. I don’t know what I’m constantly doing wrong. People seem to have no problem throwing me away. Is it the people I’m talking to. None of them seem the same. I don’t trust myself I’m all over the place with men. No matter what I do or what I give I always seem to be an inconvenience to them. Something to merely occupy there time until something better comes along. I’m exhausted from the pain. Why can I be so easily thrown away and yet I miss them. I can’t get attached without feeling like I’m attached and will always care. I can’t let go of people so easily. I miss them even if they were terrible for me. I miss cuddling with them and being near them. But I’m tired of being the only one who seems to care. How do I shelter myself. Do I need to put up more walls. Because I feel like I already got them. Do I need to keep them at a distance for longer. I honestly don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I think it’s just me at this point. The loneliness is unbearable at times. I just want to be held. Until then I guess I’ll be uncomfortably numb.

Idk

I’m finally away from my asshole ex. Life is good. I’m talking to people but I honestly don’t trust myself not to date an asshole again. Like I love my apartment, love living alone, like my job. But I know I want someone. I want a relationship with someone I trust and care about. The only problem is I know I fall for someone easily. I don’t trust myself to find someone worth it. I already semi fell for someone who was an epic asshole. He barely had anything I liked about him. He smelled good, he had intense eyes and he slapped my ass hard and hot. Yet he had a laundry list of things wrong with him. Legit a huge damn list. Yet I was upset when he stopped talking to me why? I don’t know, I really make no sense. Dude was such an asshole and we only had good time when we cuddled. We went out it was bad and awkward as fuck. I randomly read one of my old post and I’m such a dork it’s hilarious. I always hear that people don’t change but that’s such bullshit. I use to hide everything about myself. Small little things that don’t matter at all to huge shit. Now I honestly couldn’t care less. I’ll tell anyone besides my coworkers. Cause fuck that none of there business. Ill answer any questions dudes ask me I couldn’t care less. I’m tired and should try to sleep. Even know I got to get up in a couple hours. Random thought I want the clapper. Fuck Alexa I want to clap for my light. Not ask some computer chick to turn it on and off. Ok night bitches. This tired hoe is out.

whats wrong with me

ok talking to someone new and it’s like I’m instantly addicted to him. The way he smells makes me horny. His body hair also turn on. His big lips again turn on. I’m so attracted to him. Ok don’t judge but we were cuddling and omg it was amazing I love it . He makes me feel so secure and loved. And yeah did I mention it’s been like a week and a half. Like wtf is wrong with me. I just want to give him everything, do everything he wants me to do, and be near him constantly like wtf. He’s got red flags and it’s like I don’t even notice them when he’s around. When he leaves I’m like oooo that’s kinda bad. Then I see him again and I’m like red what. I feel like it’s one way. Like I’m addicted to him and he’s like ehh I’ll hang. I told him I’ll tell him anything just ask. Then I told him a bunch of stuff. I don’t know anything about him besides he wants a dog. He just jokes about most things then sprinkles some truth in and expects me to know. I really don’t know what was a joke and what’s not. I really don’t have any idea if he likes me. I hate I can’t talk about anything because he’s always joking. Idk there’s something wrong with me.

OMG OMG OMG WTF

ok been a minute since I put anything up but OMG. Jumping past the last couple months where everything in my life changed. But ok talking to someone he’s not really my type but he was nice and sweet and treated me respectfully. Ok I got horny and wanted actual person. He came over and my God it was beyond bad. I’m talking terrible terrible kisser. Everything was terrible and I mean terrible. Ok he goes downstairs for me and i don’t know what the hell he thinks he’s doing but doing absolutely nothing for me. He acts like it’s a mystery where it is. Then he can’t open the condom which is lame but he couldn’t even open the box. The fucking box like wtf. I open it then open the condom he acts like he’s never put one on and ask me to do it. Like what the actual hell. Ok then there is another problem ok yeah he’s not big. Which I’m not shitting on him for but he’s not even hard. Like nothing at all. There is more bone in a worm. So I put the condom on the tiny worm and he just puts it near the area and starts moving. Like what do you think you can fake poke a vagina. Don’t think so buddy. Ok then I get him to use his finger. Which omg must of been a first for him. But honestly being the pro I am I get off. So applaud for me. But everything was terrible. I told him to grab my tits and he smashed them around. I felt like I was screwing someone that has never had sex, never seen people have sex and just did what he imagined would be good. It really really really really really was not. Then omg he wouldn’t leave. He took me to get food because he was hungry and thirsty. He didn’t eat so that was fucking awkward. Then he also didn’t get drink. Like why I only came because you said you wanted to go. Everything was awkward and terrible. I kept telling him I was tired and he didn’t want to leave. So bad I wrapped presents hoping he would get bored and leave but he just sat there and watched me. Just terrible terrible terrible like what the hell.

Where is my mind

Sometimes I wonder where is my mind. I put dates on things today for my job and I put two months ago date. Like wtf what was I thinking. Then later I was thinking of snacking and I randomly thought of something I haven’t ate in years. It’s going to sound gross but saltines with American cheese and mustard. Yeah I know wtf gross but I love it. Then later I thought about when I worked some shitty job and we’re getting free food and I didn’t get good shit I got basic shit because I didn’t want to sound greedy. Like fuck that shit job should of got insane amount of food. It was an ok job but this one guy made me incredibly uncomfortable working there. Always say random shit that creeped me out. He said he looked up my Facebook page. First of all I don’t have one because my dude is insane. Secondly is that normal to look people up on Facebook that you work with. I have no interest in looking my coworkers up on Facebook like shit I don’t care about your holiday pics or the dumb shit you post. Fucking creeped me out. I ended up leaving because he made me so uncomfortable. It honestly took me a while to consider he was harrasing me. I didn’t see the point to say anything. I’m tired and watching some bullshit tv. Might start posting more stuff. I don’t know.