Errr

I have so many things planned and so many things I want to do. I have some days of so hopefully can get them done. Ever just start something an end up making huge mess. Stuff everywhere some of it done but not all of it. I tried to just finish something but end up seen a laundry list of other things I need to do. I need to organize so bad. My one room is a mess. I got containers for organizing it but idk if I’ll get to it. We can hope.

This morning

So far been train wreck. I’m at work and everything is fucking up. Kitchen running with skeleton crew. I mean like barely getting shit out. New people who don’t know about. Everything happening at once. Just overall shit. These are the days that make or break people. Someone was already ready to leave.

Does he like this?

Sometimes I feel like this asshole likes making me feel like shit and putting me down. He’ll always argue about the most rediculous things. This morning because we haven’t had sex. Just going on and on how he despises me. Told me to fuck off and die. And many more beyond horrible things. My feelings are more I don’t like you please leave. I don’t want to talk to him or be by him I’m not going to fight or argue I’m just done and want to move on. He shits on everything I like so much and with such enthusiasm it just makes me hate most of my stuff. It’s at the point I don’t want to openly like anything because it’s only a matter of time before he shits on it. I have antique furniture and I loved it so much. But he spent so much time and energy trashing it and telling me how fucking stupid I am for liking what I like I really don’t want most of my stuff anymore. I bought something and right away he’s got to say something. I was very excited and right away crushed. That’s him constantly putting down everything about me, everything I like, and how I am. Real fun

Confused?

This jackass treats me like shit then is shocked I don’t want to spend time with him. Like how the fuck are you shocked. You stupid asshole are you this delusional that you think your being nice when you make me cry. Fuck you, you ass hat of a human being. Go suck a dirty dick you sack of garbage and die.

Shitty so far

Woke up to me getting yelled at for an hour. Was told I was fat, disgusting, lazy, and stupid. Im looking into going to school. But sometimes I just don’t want to do anything but lay in bed. I’m tired of fighting or being yelled at. I barely have the energy to deal with this asshole and then to add school. Then I think I can’t count on him and need to do something that will pay good. I talked to someone from one of the schools and she asked me why I wanted to go to school? Is this a dumb question or is it just me. Like obviously to continue my education to have an actual career and not just a job. What did she think I was going to say I like going into insane debt. Then at same time she acts like I should just jump into it. Like no I’m not going into debt on a whim. She acted like she really couldn’t care less as long as went there. Like it’s a lot of money for a school that might suck. I looked into a nursing school but read so many bad reviews that I’m like idk what’s point if it’s shitty school.

Tls

Feeling endlessly depressed. I have a job interview later but asshole doesn’t want to take me because I wasn’t in the mood. Then I looked at Reddit shit why do you love your spouse. Really not good idea when your in shitty relationship. I was mad at myself for not doing more so I tried to clean and got yelled at for telling my daughter not to mess up what I just cleaned. So I just layed down after that. Being depressed makes me tired. I watched a movie once and the chick told her husband it’s hard for her to hold him and every time he shuts her affection down it hurts. It’s true anytime I try to touch him or hold him or want to cuddle he always acts like he hates it. It just trains you to distance yourself from the other person. Tired lonely and sad.

Upset

Really upset lately. Really feel like my life has been on hold last couple of years. I’m not expecting to win the lottery but I just want a job that I don’t feel like is going to randomly shut down getting paid a reasonable amount of money. I hate interviews there always so rediculous. I keep getting the question why do you want to work here. Like fucking honestly what do they expect people to say. I need a job you need a position filled. They act like you should be so into there company. I only found out about your company when I see open position. Is it just me or these people a little fucking rediculous to act like I should be like I love your company and heard amazing things. One job I heard from many people that it was a horrible place to work for shit pay,shit work,and treat you like shit. I told a job recruiter that and she acted dumb founded I wouldn’t want to work there. Like are you fucking retarded like how are you suprised I wouldn’t want to work for shitty pay for shitty people. Honestly what a dumbass.

F that

Seen my old job hiring. I worked there and loved it I worked alone and was never bothered. Work was easy and days went by quickly. They left go off all the temps do to lack of work in May because of covid. So I apply to many jobs get a call interview and I tell her I worked there before she says I didn’t look at anything and I’ll call you back. Ok I think I’ll way couple days for her call. She never calls and I try using number off Google that doesn’t work. I go through website and use that number takes twenty minutes finally got to talk to someone and they just say idk I’ll tell them to call you back. Ok fine whatever I liked the job. Another week goes by and nothing. So I go on the website again and talk to someone through messenger. They say there look into it and they assure me someone is going to call me back within a couple of days. Again ok fine. But no fucking nothing. I go on there Facebook and see there having a open interviews ok I go and talk to someone and ask about coming back. And what is the bs response I get back o we’re not bring back people who worked here before. I asked why and that’s all they fucking say. I did my fucking job,was on time, worked hard, helped other employees when they needed help, I didn’t leave early or fuck around. But apparently fuck all they they just don’t want to bring anyone back who worked there before because they said so. Are you fucking serious. Fuck you hope you struggle to fill the positions. Assholes. Waste of fucking time and energy making sure I did everything I could just to be thrown away. Way to fuck over some loyal hardworking people. Cause I wasn’t hired in so not really like I mattered apparently. Fuck you.

Future

I had interview the other day and he has to take me he put me down for hour before. Doing nothing but saying I’m a horrible person, shitty mom, I’m gross and a disgrace. Then on car ride somehow he seemed to get meaner and more hurtful. I had to fight back tears the entire ride. Nothing like feeling like crying and attempting to talk to people and pretend like life is great. When I got home I took out trash and I seen someone walking and they started skipping. Made me feel like crying even more. To be so happy in life to skip while your doing some mundane stupid shit. I usually do the mundane shit to keep busy. I’m looking forward to skipping one day hopefully soon.