Getting older

It’s seems like as soon as I hit a certain age my body decided it’s not going to take this shit anymore. Everything seems to upset my stomach except salad. Cheese or to much pasta kills me. Meat goes right through me. My back is weak I tried exercising my knee ended up hurting and it freaked me out so I stopped. I was fine then it was like all the sudden everything hurts or upsets my body. Hurt my neck the other day I don’t even know how. I have some shit on my hand cut i don’t know where it came from. I keep finding bruising on my legs. I wake up and am still exhausted. I don’t know what is normal never been like this before. Fucking sucks

Alone

Sitting alone not really in mood for anything. Ate some milk and cookies. Because I’m santa and also because I don’t want them to go bad. I don’t like wasting anything. Food, fabric, time anything. I have most of a twenty pound turkey to do something with. Thinking turkey soup but I’m not really a fan of turkey. I hate to waste anything but my life suck/ asshole he waste anything. My daughter doesn’t want to eat the huge plate of food she had to have throw it away. He doesn’t put away rest of pizza whatever just throw it away. My daughter spills on her shirt just throw it away why try to clean it. Just another thing about him I hate. It’s so spoiled to just throw useful things away. People have hard time feeding there families but whatever just waste as much food as you want apparently. I used to pack my leftovers for lunch at work. They always tasted great and I would of never of ate if had other options. Made him lunch before he would just waste it all. anytime I make him anything or do anything for him he always has a but. It was good but needed salt. Meat was delicious but carrots needed cooked longer. Made him facemask with vw logo on it he said he likes it but it’s a little small. I asked him to put on before I finished to made sure it fit. Why does he always have to complain or put down things I do. Sometimes I feel like his shitty way to make me feel like everything I do isn’t good enough.

I don’t know if people like me adding photos or not. I don’t know. Sometimes I like other

Blanket I made with embroidered vw logo on it and foot pocket for car. He had his work boots sitting on it within a week.

Then there’s times I’ll make new recipes. Most of the time he won’t even try them. He just says I won’t like it. Even my five year old tries things. He basically eats like picky bratty child. Mainly because he is a picky bratty man child.

F you

The lack of concern of this asshole is rediculous. I feel like if he was mad and I was dying he would just tilt his head look at me and in condensending voice say should of listened to me shouldn’t you. Someone one asked about me leaving him. Of course I want to leave him but when I do I have to have everything ready. I have to have money backup money. Someone to watch her a backup person and another backpack person because he will go out of his way to make my life hard. Hes going to tell me it’s stupid to move out I could live with him and save up money. Like living with him is such fun. Then when he realizes it’s not going to happen he’s going to tell me he won’t help me move. Then most likely accuse me of having random men around my daughter. I’m so tired of being near him.

Fuck resolutions

Year is almost over all I can think is fuck I’m still with this asshole. I don’t make new years resolutions but always in the back of my mind think not going to be with this asshole life suck much longer. And look about to go on seven fucking years. I never know how the fuck I lasted this long. Some days aren’t that bad other days are agonizingly horrible. I was so hopeful last year after I got my job I loved. I was dreaming about getting my own place and leaving. I would fantasize daily about everything I was going to do. I was going to work overtime or get second job on weekends so I could save up for a house. I was going to change my hair. Start dressing in dresses like I always wanted to. I still tried doing this but when someone calls you fat in pretty dress you really feel low again and don’t want to wear it anymore. I was thinking of getting a dog. I can’t have a cat my daughter is allergic. So was finally going to get us a dog she wants one so bag and so do I. But nothing happened this year is just the same as the last year. I’m lonely depressed and even more hopeless than before.

Life suck

I think everyone has a little life suck in there life. Shitty things or people that make your life suck a little or a lot. My life suck decided to wake up in his usual shit mood. Before him I liked most of my life. I worked with people I got along with. I didn’t really like them but we got along and they thought we were friends so it worked. I got along with my family. I had a dog and two cats life was good. Now I barely talk to family I don’t have dog or cat and have no jobs. I’m lonely and depressed. No one to talk to about anything. But that’s kinda the same I’m a very private person and don’t like to confide in anyone about anything. But the freedom is what I really miss. I used to think it was because I had a daughter but honestly it’s not. It’s my life suck sucking the life out of me and leaving me hollow.

Shit life is exhausting

Every time after an argument with my asshole I’m exhausted and upset and just want to hide and be alone. But him he watches funny movie, goes to visit his friends and does whatever he wants to do. Today he just takes our daughter and leaves to go idk where hopefully just to see his mom but who knows not me. I’m a big believer in noone is winning in a argument. The very fact that it got that fart that your talking down to people and making them this upset that they cry themselves to sleep is bad. Yet it always seems like he won. He’s always willing to argue about anything until he thinks he won. Never after an argument is he upset or in tears he just go on with his day. I hate how he’s the only one with endless freedom. He can spend what he wants on anything. He can leave at anytime or come home at anytime. If he wants to do anything he just does it. I’m allowed to cook what I want as long as he likes it. I get third degree when I take out garbage. I didn’t think my life was that great before I meet him but now I think how stupid I was to give it away. In the beginning I just always thought Im not used to being with someone and can’t be selfish so I would but his needs ahead of mine. Now everything is about what he wants. He got me absolutely nothing for Christmas and he kept making the excuse that he was broke. But Christmas doesn’t pop up on random day you knew was coming. It’s not a surprise. Before Christmas he was able to buy rediculous little robot for basically himself, always had shit to smoke, and went out to eat multiple times. Not one time did he look at something to get me or ask what I would want. He did same thing with his mom I tried so hard to make sure to get her things she would like and make her things she hopefully liked. And he just thought about shit on Christmas Eve after he got his shit.

Equally shit day

He can’t stop talking down to me. Really hate he’s got to try and use my daughter against me. Always saying shit in front of her. I fucking ask him every damn time I don’t care how upset you fucking are don’t say shit in front of your kid. It’s not fucking hard. But must be hardest thing in the world for him not to bad mouth me in front of my daughter, my family, people I work with. He can’t not say sexual shit in front of people or my daughter either. Like always shows an absolute zero amount of respect he has for anyone other than himself. I’m tired of avoiding some asshole in place I live. Don’t think of it as a home cause he’s constantly telling me to leave. He use to call me fat everyday now he’s moved on to telling me to get out of his house and I’m a fatass. So yeah really having great times. I been looking at jobs. Hard to find some for third shift. I just want away. Tired of being here. Tired of being by someone who purposely trys to provoke me and drag out shit for hours. Why does someone seem to get joy out of treating me shitty. He always seems satisfied that me made me upset and cry. I just want to be left alone. I’m not asking alot to not be watched on camera in the place I live. I’m about to cry and he’s cracking jokes in other room about me yelling so cops will come. Tired of feeling completely trapped and at any time he completely destroy the shitty life I have.

My Christmas Eve

Fuck where should I start. Ok I had alot of things I needed to do. I had to finish dress for my daughter. Finish gifts for my mother in law. Cook Christmas Eve dinner which was basically Christmas dinner but day before so could do with my dad. I also need to wrap the last of the presents and clean my daughter’s room. This asshole plan was to do nothing and go see a friend. He fucks around and waits till I already put turkey in oven for over two hours and decides he’s got to go now. So I ask him to stop and pick up shit for stocking stuffers. He then tells me I can go if I want it he’s not going to get and if I don’t go not happening. He then tells me I’m shitty Mom for not going. I already know he’s going to be gone at least two hours and I need to start the sides. I can’t fucking leave while I got turkey in oven. Im still doing things for Christmas and this asshole leaves to fuck around. Not only does he wait until the weather turns to shit he also takes my daughter like he’s doing me a favor. Another shit part is he gets her fast food while out. So when they finally get home and dinner is done they don’t eat anything. I’m not being dramatic like they made small plate they ate nothing. Like are you fucking kidding me. I made turkey,gravy, mashed potatoes, broccoli,cheese sauce and stuffing. Me and my dad ate and I thought they would eventually eat something but no ate nothing. Didn’t help me do anything. Not cleaning or putting away the food I made which was most of it because I made alot thinking we would all eat. So now I have most of a twenty pound turkey left and basically 90% of the food I made left. I waited till my daughter was asleep to put out presents I thought he would help but no couldn’t do that either. I asked him to grab a gift card or something from the store for my dad he got nothing. I made his mom four Christmas placemats, two Christmas hanging towels, four more placemats and two towels to match, I also painted some wood ornaments for her and decorated with family photos. Then I also bought her a Nora Flemming salt and pepper set and two ceramic decorations that go with it which was around $60. I don’t have alot of money and I really tried this year to make it a nice Christmas for his mom, him and our daughter. So yeah just another heart breaking day of no appreciation and being alone with people around. Not really looking forward to tomorrow. I splurged and bought myself some perfume I always wanted but didn’t want to spend the money on which is fucked because it was $35. O yeah also got his mom a gift card for restaurant for $50 so yeah really fucked up. Fuck the holidays.

Lame

Yeah my schedule is messed up. Fucking great loved waking up early. Got so much done. Now nothing did some shit yesterday but barley anything in comparison to days woke up early. I’m trying to look at jobs not very limited opportunities when you need to work around a child and someone else schedule. Keep showing jobs far away even when I narrow search. Seen something I would love but then noticed was two hours away. I’ve thought of moving away but two hours I feel is to far and cause more drama and problems. This asshole changed the wifi password so I’m using all my data. At least I have phone before he would just turn off to punish me. My sister talks about us living together I’m contemplating it. But very unsure. I want to get away but I don’t know about living with someone. I don’t want to feel like I have to clean up after everyone or watch someone’s child. It doesn’t matter really for now because I need to get a job and my driver’s license. Yeah I don’t have one actually hard to get when no one is willing to teach you. All my asshole does is scream at me. When we drive he’s very perticular about windows and heat and music so I never touch anything cause he’ll just freak out. So I don’t know where anything is. I can open windows but im not good at remembering wipers or lights. The last time I drove was two months ago when tried getting my driver’s license and failed. Before my test he told me what’s the point your going to fail. So yeah fun. Before that I drove some but not really a lot. He always just ends up screaming at me and I’m not in the mood to deal with that. Yeah that’s the story of how where still together I just don’t do things he doesn’t like so I don’t have to deal with him freaking out. Even know he freaks out about everything.

Disappointing

So basically did absolutely nothing all day. Avoiding this asshole. There was so much I wanted and needed to do. But he was in mood and better to do nothing then deal with his endless rants of how much I suck. In days like this it always seems like no matter what I do he’s not happy. I do dishes he complains I’m not cleaning living room. I switch to do that and he yells at me for bothering him and being in the way. So far way behind in things that need done before Christmas. Doesn’t help I keep adding more things to do but I always do that. I been making homemade quesadillas and shit there so good. Want some tomorrow but low to no cheese so probably make something else. Need to get game plan and bust shit out. Complain later