Tag: cry

Resentment

One of the things I never thought I would feel is resentment for other people. People who don’t get called a fat ass every single day. People who just get to do things without someone telling them there shit and worthless. Seems like every time I leave the house I’m on the verge of tears. How does someone feel treat someone the way he does then just no even think about it. Scream at me as soon as he wakes up. Then just go to work and talk to people about everyday shit. All the times hes called me names and put me down there was only one time he said he was sorry. I made dinner for his mom’s birthday. Later he got mad call me fatass disgusting loser and dinner was fucking gross. Later he sad sorry that dinner was good. Never said anything else about all the other shit he said. How does someone say such horrible things every single fucking time. One time I was upset and said something about his teeth because he has bad teeth. I instantly felt like shit and lucky he already walked away and didn’t hear me. That was one fucking time to deaf ears. He sinks to the lowest every single time. Today he told me I better not be pregnant because I’m a shit mom. Then he continues if I am I better get a fucking abortion. Seems like every day I’m off I just want to do nothing but sleep so I don’t have to deal with him. He keeps saying I love to play the victim and say everyone treats me like shit. Absolutely not no one treats me like he does. Mostly I’m invisible and I’m mainly ok with that. I’m tired of being treated like shit. All I want to do is have a regular life. Where I don’t have ask permission to do things or get treated like a child when he’s mad. The other day he refused to take me to work. He doesn’t let me use the internet. I did laundry at the laundry mat yesterday and he acted like I was being rediculous because I wanted to take my phone. No I don’t want to sit for hours doing nothing. I want to be able to go through out my day without getting screamed at or belittled. I would like to actually show interest in the things I like and not be worried someone is going to shit talk it and tell me how stupid I am for liking it. He seems to find endless amount of things to insult me with lately it’s been I’m old. Even know he’s older than me he’s been saying shit about me being old. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I try to keep the peace but seems like nothing I do is good. Im just tired of trying. Just feel utterly alone.

Yep

I just bought something I been wanting to buy for years. It was under twenty dollars and it’s cheap and absolutely made in China. Yet I love it and I don’t want to wear it or show much interested in it. I know it’s only a matter of time until he shits on it and puts me down for even liking it. He’s going to tell me I’m selfish for always buying things for myself. This is the same man who will wait till I get off of working twelve hour shift and make me get him stuff from gas station. Spending my money and being the one to go in and get it. Because he rather wait twelve hours for me to get then to just get it himself. Same person who won’t let me go to laundry mat alone yet will just sit there while I wash and fold laundry complaining how long it’s taking. It takes as long as it takes. I’m not leaving with wet laundry so I can attempt to hang shit ton of towels around my house. Fuck that you can wait ten more minutes.

Always wanted one

Shit relationship

Every damn time it happens I’m someone suprised yet also expecting it. I just took my daughter to a class and we got food and we’re going to go to a park to eat and play. We get to park and it’s gravel parking lot with no lines and no other cars. He pulls in then has to back in for some reason. I just just park already and he instantly gets mad and puts me down. Calling me fat ass and saying he’s ready to leave. I just sit down and start eating. He continues to put me down my daughter finishes her fries and goes and plays on playground. I make sure the slides are dry and hug her and go back to eating. He then starts saying I’m using my child as a pawn. What kind of fucked up person thinks this of the person there with. What the fuck is wrong with him. Apparently me hugging my daughter before she plays is me using her as a pawn. I really loathe that he has to say this in front of her. I hate him having absolutely no respect for me or my feelings. No respect no respect at all.

I don’t have respect or love just a relationship

Permanently depressed

I am in a perpetual state of on edge of tears. Haven’t cryed yet but always feel like I’m I guess overwhelmed. I just feel emotionally exhausted. I always want to do so much then get put down and end up doing nothing. We went on a family run which was so fun. But even when were having fun exercising as a family he has to put down everything I do. I run slow, I have bad form, I think we should go look at water after no he said no, then I say we should play on playground after because she’s being good and listening. No he doesn’t want that. I usually do what he wants. But fuck if I want to do something I shouldn’t get scolded like a fucking child. Like today I got yelled at like a child then he turned off the wifi so I would have to use my data. My phone has like no data an sucks. So yeah really bullshit getting yelled at and having something taken away like a child. Fuck you asshole never have I done that to you. Fucking asshat

Narcissistic personality disorder .A disorder in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance.Narcissistic personality disorder is found more commonly in men. The cause is unknown but likely involves a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Ok I woke up this morning and got screamed at for about two hours. There is nothing he won’t say. Nothing that is off limits. I been done with this god awful relationship for so long. But it keeps fucking going I just want to be able to leave. Leave without worrying he’s going to show up at my job harrasing people. That he’s not going to try and put every intamate thing we’ve done on the internet. I don’t want to have to worry about coming home to everything I own destroyed. I just want to leave and never deal with him again. I’m just tired of pretending everything is good and I want to be with him. I’m tired of getting put down and feeling miserable. The days I’m off work I’m usually getting screamed at and talked down too. Then when im working all I don’t do anything because I’m working 12 hour days and it kicks my ass. Then I come home and have to deal with his ass. Asking me to make him food asking what we’re going to do. I’m tired of my whole life revolving around him. Everything I do is about him shopping for him. Making food he wants to eat. Going to places with him. I’m tired of it.

Future

I had interview the other day and he has to take me he put me down for hour before. Doing nothing but saying I’m a horrible person, shitty mom, I’m gross and a disgrace. Then on car ride somehow he seemed to get meaner and more hurtful. I had to fight back tears the entire ride. Nothing like feeling like crying and attempting to talk to people and pretend like life is great. When I got home I took out trash and I seen someone walking and they started skipping. Made me feel like crying even more. To be so happy in life to skip while your doing some mundane stupid shit. I usually do the mundane shit to keep busy. I’m looking forward to skipping one day hopefully soon.

Crushed

I had some hope about changing my life but my jackass reminded me he not going to let it happen easily. Already told me not taking me to work. I told him yeah eventually I’m going to move out because I don’t like to feel like I’m hiding shit. I especially don’t like to be accused of it. He’s in other room laughing at funny videos. I just want out of this shit. I fucking hate this. Already exhausted and just want to sleep. So shitty I new he would do this anything he had to stop me from getting away. He’s not working and I’m not working but he doesn’t care he says I should get job working at store I like. I told him I wouldn’t make enough. Just another way of keeping me put. Working a job that would just barely pay my bills. Yeah that’s what I want to do.

Fuck resolutions

Year is almost over all I can think is fuck I’m still with this asshole. I don’t make new years resolutions but always in the back of my mind think not going to be with this asshole life suck much longer. And look about to go on seven fucking years. I never know how the fuck I lasted this long. Some days aren’t that bad other days are agonizingly horrible. I was so hopeful last year after I got my job I loved. I was dreaming about getting my own place and leaving. I would fantasize daily about everything I was going to do. I was going to work overtime or get second job on weekends so I could save up for a house. I was going to change my hair. Start dressing in dresses like I always wanted to. I still tried doing this but when someone calls you fat in pretty dress you really feel low again and don’t want to wear it anymore. I was thinking of getting a dog. I can’t have a cat my daughter is allergic. So was finally going to get us a dog she wants one so bag and so do I. But nothing happened this year is just the same as the last year. I’m lonely depressed and even more hopeless than before.

My Christmas Eve

Fuck where should I start. Ok I had alot of things I needed to do. I had to finish dress for my daughter. Finish gifts for my mother in law. Cook Christmas Eve dinner which was basically Christmas dinner but day before so could do with my dad. I also need to wrap the last of the presents and clean my daughter’s room. This asshole plan was to do nothing and go see a friend. He fucks around and waits till I already put turkey in oven for over two hours and decides he’s got to go now. So I ask him to stop and pick up shit for stocking stuffers. He then tells me I can go if I want it he’s not going to get and if I don’t go not happening. He then tells me I’m shitty Mom for not going. I already know he’s going to be gone at least two hours and I need to start the sides. I can’t fucking leave while I got turkey in oven. Im still doing things for Christmas and this asshole leaves to fuck around. Not only does he wait until the weather turns to shit he also takes my daughter like he’s doing me a favor. Another shit part is he gets her fast food while out. So when they finally get home and dinner is done they don’t eat anything. I’m not being dramatic like they made small plate they ate nothing. Like are you fucking kidding me. I made turkey,gravy, mashed potatoes, broccoli,cheese sauce and stuffing. Me and my dad ate and I thought they would eventually eat something but no ate nothing. Didn’t help me do anything. Not cleaning or putting away the food I made which was most of it because I made alot thinking we would all eat. So now I have most of a twenty pound turkey left and basically 90% of the food I made left. I waited till my daughter was asleep to put out presents I thought he would help but no couldn’t do that either. I asked him to grab a gift card or something from the store for my dad he got nothing. I made his mom four Christmas placemats, two Christmas hanging towels, four more placemats and two towels to match, I also painted some wood ornaments for her and decorated with family photos. Then I also bought her a Nora Flemming salt and pepper set and two ceramic decorations that go with it which was around $60. I don’t have alot of money and I really tried this year to make it a nice Christmas for his mom, him and our daughter. So yeah just another heart breaking day of no appreciation and being alone with people around. Not really looking forward to tomorrow. I splurged and bought myself some perfume I always wanted but didn’t want to spend the money on which is fucked because it was $35. O yeah also got his mom a gift card for restaurant for $50 so yeah really fucked up. Fuck the holidays.