I feel like I’m searching for something that doesn’t exist. A fantasy or fantom of my imagination. Or perhaps a lost item long forgotten lingering in far off distant unforseen land. I been alone for a long time. Mostly I’m ok with it. But it’s those rare moments that it’s unbearable. The moments seem to becoming more and more. I find myself longing for someone and something that will never happen and only be realized in a dream. It seems like everytime I feel brave enough and think someone is special enough to let in. They take one look around and head for the door. I keep acting like I don’t know what I’m doing with all my horrible life decisions lately. But deep down I know exactly what I’m doing. Trying to find just one person to accept and want me. I guess I need to change my strategy. I honestly want to give up. Utterly heart breaking to be thrown away without a second thought. I made a huge mistake and regret it. I look back and all I feel is disgust. All the things I let go, the way he treated me, the way he made me feel. What is wrong with me. I don’t want to have any communication at all with him. But hard now I long for a connection. For the feel of someone’s arms wrapped around mine holding me close. Feel beyond emotional lately. I been bottling up everything for so long. When I actually do let them out it’s this massive wave of hurt and pain hitting me all at once. I feel like I’m becoming more and more pathetic. I constantly beg my Lil alien to spend time with me. He says he wants to but also seems to be more distant. Seems most of what I say falls of deaf ears. It’s heartbreaking when your trying to share something and the response you receive is yeah. Did you even read it because you wouldn’t be saying that. I want someone to just hold me. Not try to do or say anything just hold me. But until that time I will continue to bundle myself in my blankets.