I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Sometimes I’m perfectly content but then I’ll feel incredibly lonely. I don’t know what I want yet at the same time I do. I want to spend time with someone yet I want to be alone. I want a relationship yet at the same time I’m worried about being in one. I know some of it is trauma from my ex. Because any time I think of a relationship I feel like it will be the end of my freedom. The end of me making my own decisions and plans. I absolutely love living alone. I like leaving when I want. Taking a bath for as long as I want. Not having to explain anything I’m doing. I do wish I had someone to spend time with sometimes. I love coming home to an empty quiet home. With everything in the same place I left it. Yes sometimes I wish someone was there to cuddle with but honestly I don’t know if I’ll find someone that can except me for who I am. A sometimes messy random crafty dork who likes to take long baths and do whatever she wants when she wants without explanation.
Tag: depressed
HURT
I hurt myself today. I seen it coming and I did it anyway. Then I tried blocking and ignoring the pain. Then it smacked me in the face like a ton of bricks. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately I seem almost desperate for something. Something I’ve honestly never had. I worry about myself alot lately something I never was able to do before. Somehow I miss something so bad. Yet I know I never had it before. I long to be close to someone. Honestly anyone. The sadness thats within me is heartbreaking. At moments impossible to contain. I’m exhausted from keeping up appearances and putting on a smile. I been bottling up my emotions so much anytime I allow myself to actually feel it’s beyond overwhelming. The other day a sad episode of something was on TV and I was uncontrolably bawling from it. I’m so use to not let any emotion out that when the brief second I do it’s like a enormous wave hits me. Millions of people in the world and I can’t find one that seems to genuinely care. Someone that treats me more than an object. Something to enjoy for a short time and move on and never think of again. There are some things I do that I absolutely love. But I do it without hesitation with people that toss me away. I know deep down that I do it because maybe if they will like it enough then they might be willing to actually accept me for who I am. It’s impossible for me to actually open up about myself but doing that hell yeah let’s go. I planned on not doing it and instantly do. I really want to be accepted but opening up to people is terrifying. I’m 31 years old and haven’t found a single person that genuinely seems to care for me. I tell people I want to wait u til we get to know each other better. But so far hasn’t happened. I was with my ex for 8 years and I feel like he barely knows me at all. 8 years I feel like all he knows is basic things and my family. It’s sad because I still blame myself for everything. For my ex treating me they way he did. For the guy who ditches me over a misunderstanding. The guy that I was talking to about everything to except what I like to do who then ghosted me. Even for the guy who talked to me like shit and like I was beneath him and makes me feel like an inconvenience to him who probably going to ghost me. I don’t know what I’m constantly doing wrong. People seem to have no problem throwing me away. Is it the people I’m talking to. None of them seem the same. I don’t trust myself I’m all over the place with men. No matter what I do or what I give I always seem to be an inconvenience to them. Something to merely occupy there time until something better comes along. I’m exhausted from the pain. Why can I be so easily thrown away and yet I miss them. I can’t get attached without feeling like I’m attached and will always care. I can’t let go of people so easily. I miss them even if they were terrible for me. I miss cuddling with them and being near them. But I’m tired of being the only one who seems to care. How do I shelter myself. Do I need to put up more walls. Because I feel like I already got them. Do I need to keep them at a distance for longer. I honestly don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I think it’s just me at this point. The loneliness is unbearable at times. I just want to be held. Until then I guess I’ll be uncomfortably numb.
whats wrong with me
ok talking to someone new and it’s like I’m instantly addicted to him. The way he smells makes me horny. His body hair also turn on. His big lips again turn on. I’m so attracted to him. Ok don’t judge but we were cuddling and omg it was amazing I love it . He makes me feel so secure and loved. And yeah did I mention it’s been like a week and a half. Like wtf is wrong with me. I just want to give him everything, do everything he wants me to do, and be near him constantly like wtf. He’s got red flags and it’s like I don’t even notice them when he’s around. When he leaves I’m like oooo that’s kinda bad. Then I see him again and I’m like red what. I feel like it’s one way. Like I’m addicted to him and he’s like ehh I’ll hang. I told him I’ll tell him anything just ask. Then I told him a bunch of stuff. I don’t know anything about him besides he wants a dog. He just jokes about most things then sprinkles some truth in and expects me to know. I really don’t know what was a joke and what’s not. I really don’t have any idea if he likes me. I hate I can’t talk about anything because he’s always joking. Idk there’s something wrong with me.
OMG OMG OMG WTF
ok been a minute since I put anything up but OMG. Jumping past the last couple months where everything in my life changed. But ok talking to someone he’s not really my type but he was nice and sweet and treated me respectfully. Ok I got horny and wanted actual person. He came over and my God it was beyond bad. I’m talking terrible terrible kisser. Everything was terrible and I mean terrible. Ok he goes downstairs for me and i don’t know what the hell he thinks he’s doing but doing absolutely nothing for me. He acts like it’s a mystery where it is. Then he can’t open the condom which is lame but he couldn’t even open the box. The fucking box like wtf. I open it then open the condom he acts like he’s never put one on and ask me to do it. Like what the actual hell. Ok then there is another problem ok yeah he’s not big. Which I’m not shitting on him for but he’s not even hard. Like nothing at all. There is more bone in a worm. So I put the condom on the tiny worm and he just puts it near the area and starts moving. Like what do you think you can fake poke a vagina. Don’t think so buddy. Ok then I get him to use his finger. Which omg must of been a first for him. But honestly being the pro I am I get off. So applaud for me. But everything was terrible. I told him to grab my tits and he smashed them around. I felt like I was screwing someone that has never had sex, never seen people have sex and just did what he imagined would be good. It really really really really really was not. Then omg he wouldn’t leave. He took me to get food because he was hungry and thirsty. He didn’t eat so that was fucking awkward. Then he also didn’t get drink. Like why I only came because you said you wanted to go. Everything was awkward and terrible. I kept telling him I was tired and he didn’t want to leave. So bad I wrapped presents hoping he would get bored and leave but he just sat there and watched me. Just terrible terrible terrible like what the hell.
Where is my mind
Sometimes I wonder where is my mind. I put dates on things today for my job and I put two months ago date. Like wtf what was I thinking. Then later I was thinking of snacking and I randomly thought of something I haven’t ate in years. It’s going to sound gross but saltines with American cheese and mustard. Yeah I know wtf gross but I love it. Then later I thought about when I worked some shitty job and we’re getting free food and I didn’t get good shit I got basic shit because I didn’t want to sound greedy. Like fuck that shit job should of got insane amount of food. It was an ok job but this one guy made me incredibly uncomfortable working there. Always say random shit that creeped me out. He said he looked up my Facebook page. First of all I don’t have one because my dude is insane. Secondly is that normal to look people up on Facebook that you work with. I have no interest in looking my coworkers up on Facebook like shit I don’t care about your holiday pics or the dumb shit you post. Fucking creeped me out. I ended up leaving because he made me so uncomfortable. It honestly took me a while to consider he was harrasing me. I didn’t see the point to say anything. I’m tired and watching some bullshit tv. Might start posting more stuff. I don’t know.
Fuck explaining myself
Fuck explaining myself. I am thirty years old, take care of my child, and pay my own bills. Why the fuck do I always have to explain myself. I was doing regular nothing shit. This jackass was about to wake up. Then thought about his usual morning wood and got horny. He wakes up like asshat and ask who made me horny. Like sometimes I’m just horny. Like fuck off with your assholeness. Tired of instead of just saying no he’s got to wake up accusing me of shit and being an asshole.
Resentment
One of the things I never thought I would feel is resentment for other people. People who don’t get called a fat ass every single day. People who just get to do things without someone telling them there shit and worthless. Seems like every time I leave the house I’m on the verge of tears. How does someone feel treat someone the way he does then just no even think about it. Scream at me as soon as he wakes up. Then just go to work and talk to people about everyday shit. All the times hes called me names and put me down there was only one time he said he was sorry. I made dinner for his mom’s birthday. Later he got mad call me fatass disgusting loser and dinner was fucking gross. Later he sad sorry that dinner was good. Never said anything else about all the other shit he said. How does someone say such horrible things every single fucking time. One time I was upset and said something about his teeth because he has bad teeth. I instantly felt like shit and lucky he already walked away and didn’t hear me. That was one fucking time to deaf ears. He sinks to the lowest every single time. Today he told me I better not be pregnant because I’m a shit mom. Then he continues if I am I better get a fucking abortion. Seems like every day I’m off I just want to do nothing but sleep so I don’t have to deal with him. He keeps saying I love to play the victim and say everyone treats me like shit. Absolutely not no one treats me like he does. Mostly I’m invisible and I’m mainly ok with that. I’m tired of being treated like shit. All I want to do is have a regular life. Where I don’t have ask permission to do things or get treated like a child when he’s mad. The other day he refused to take me to work. He doesn’t let me use the internet. I did laundry at the laundry mat yesterday and he acted like I was being rediculous because I wanted to take my phone. No I don’t want to sit for hours doing nothing. I want to be able to go through out my day without getting screamed at or belittled. I would like to actually show interest in the things I like and not be worried someone is going to shit talk it and tell me how stupid I am for liking it. He seems to find endless amount of things to insult me with lately it’s been I’m old. Even know he’s older than me he’s been saying shit about me being old. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I try to keep the peace but seems like nothing I do is good. Im just tired of trying. Just feel utterly alone.
Hate this fucking dude
This piece of shit. Fuck this damn dude. Stupid asshole saying shit in front of my kid. What kind of piece of shit involves a child in our argument. Telling her I’m going to neglect her. Fucking sack of shit. God damnit as mad as he’s gotten me I never tell my daughter anything. fucking low life. seriously the lowest piece of shit.
Don’t look unless you expect the worst
Ok I bought a bike preparing for the day this jackass refuses to take me to work. It was the cheapest bike I could buy. I don’t normally buy things for myself but I bought this for me. I of course still got to hear shit about how I’m a selfish bitch and shitty mom. I got the mail the other day and automatically just put in my bag on my way to work. Today I looked at it it was some bs and his bank statement. Usually I don’t look at it but did this time. And fuvking a this ass hat spent shit ton of money without saying a fucking word. I talked about buying the bike. This dip shit spends over three grand without batting a fucking eye. I really want this fucking human garbage out of my fucking life. I don’t need this selfish ass hat putting me down and spending shit ton of money behind my back. Fuck you fuck you stupid asshole I hate you. Spending money that wasn’t even yours. Selfish fucking prick.
Yet another low
This psycho has hit yet another low. We went to the laundry mat and the store my daughter was ok at laundry mat and little bratty when leaving the store. He took her to the car and I check out. I put stuff in car and he instantly starts flipping shit about her additude. Yes she was not behaving but he was taking completely way to far. I had to get the rest of the laundry and I wanted to take her with me. This psycho says if i take her he’s going to be mean to her the rest of the day. Like you must be insane who the fuck say that kind of shit to a child. Obviously I took her with me he got all huffy and pissed and drove off. We waited for laundry to dry and when were about to leave we seen him waiting. Then when I had to go to work he had to be a jackass yet again. It’s getting to a point where Im worried about going to work. I don’t want him in her life. She would be better off without him. He does to her what he does to me putt her down and talk to her like she’s garbage. I fucking hate it and can’t stand him. He keeps acting like I need him so badly. You know what my life would be without him it would be happy. I would be actually fucking happy not just putting on a face and pretending. Fuck your my personal cancer slowly killing me and making my life a struggle.
shit life 