Fuck explaining myself. I am thirty years old, take care of my child, and pay my own bills. Why the fuck do I always have to explain myself. I was doing regular nothing shit. This jackass was about to wake up. Then thought about his usual morning wood and got horny. He wakes up like asshat and ask who made me horny. Like sometimes I’m just horny. Like fuck off with your assholeness. Tired of instead of just saying no he’s got to wake up accusing me of shit and being an asshole.
Tag: embarrassing
Resentment
One of the things I never thought I would feel is resentment for other people. People who don’t get called a fat ass every single day. People who just get to do things without someone telling them there shit and worthless. Seems like every time I leave the house I’m on the verge of tears. How does someone feel treat someone the way he does then just no even think about it. Scream at me as soon as he wakes up. Then just go to work and talk to people about everyday shit. All the times hes called me names and put me down there was only one time he said he was sorry. I made dinner for his mom’s birthday. Later he got mad call me fatass disgusting loser and dinner was fucking gross. Later he sad sorry that dinner was good. Never said anything else about all the other shit he said. How does someone say such horrible things every single fucking time. One time I was upset and said something about his teeth because he has bad teeth. I instantly felt like shit and lucky he already walked away and didn’t hear me. That was one fucking time to deaf ears. He sinks to the lowest every single time. Today he told me I better not be pregnant because I’m a shit mom. Then he continues if I am I better get a fucking abortion. Seems like every day I’m off I just want to do nothing but sleep so I don’t have to deal with him. He keeps saying I love to play the victim and say everyone treats me like shit. Absolutely not no one treats me like he does. Mostly I’m invisible and I’m mainly ok with that. I’m tired of being treated like shit. All I want to do is have a regular life. Where I don’t have ask permission to do things or get treated like a child when he’s mad. The other day he refused to take me to work. He doesn’t let me use the internet. I did laundry at the laundry mat yesterday and he acted like I was being rediculous because I wanted to take my phone. No I don’t want to sit for hours doing nothing. I want to be able to go through out my day without getting screamed at or belittled. I would like to actually show interest in the things I like and not be worried someone is going to shit talk it and tell me how stupid I am for liking it. He seems to find endless amount of things to insult me with lately it’s been I’m old. Even know he’s older than me he’s been saying shit about me being old. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I try to keep the peace but seems like nothing I do is good. Im just tired of trying. Just feel utterly alone.
Not really a suprise at all but he did it again
Well of course he woke up acting like asshole. I desperately need to wash my work clothes because I delt with someone with infection. I was going to come alone this morning. He said would be better if we did all the laundry tonight. Guess what he refused to take me to laundry mat. So I walked here alone because I can’t wear the same clothes dirty to work. Anytime we make plans I automatically assume he’s going to pull some bs and screw me over. Lucky I live right by laundry mat and stores. My work is only like two miles away. Really considering getting a new bike. Car is turning to shit anyway so be good to get rid of it and save money for car.
Shit relationship
Every damn time it happens I’m someone suprised yet also expecting it. I just took my daughter to a class and we got food and we’re going to go to a park to eat and play. We get to park and it’s gravel parking lot with no lines and no other cars. He pulls in then has to back in for some reason. I just just park already and he instantly gets mad and puts me down. Calling me fat ass and saying he’s ready to leave. I just sit down and start eating. He continues to put me down my daughter finishes her fries and goes and plays on playground. I make sure the slides are dry and hug her and go back to eating. He then starts saying I’m using my child as a pawn. What kind of fucked up person thinks this of the person there with. What the fuck is wrong with him. Apparently me hugging my daughter before she plays is me using her as a pawn. I really loathe that he has to say this in front of her. I hate him having absolutely no respect for me or my feelings. No respect no respect at all.
Permanently depressed
I am in a perpetual state of on edge of tears. Haven’t cryed yet but always feel like I’m I guess overwhelmed. I just feel emotionally exhausted. I always want to do so much then get put down and end up doing nothing. We went on a family run which was so fun. But even when were having fun exercising as a family he has to put down everything I do. I run slow, I have bad form, I think we should go look at water after no he said no, then I say we should play on playground after because she’s being good and listening. No he doesn’t want that. I usually do what he wants. But fuck if I want to do something I shouldn’t get scolded like a fucking child. Like today I got yelled at like a child then he turned off the wifi so I would have to use my data. My phone has like no data an sucks. So yeah really bullshit getting yelled at and having something taken away like a child. Fuck you asshole never have I done that to you. Fucking asshat
Lame
I had some interviews recently and thought they went great. I was really excited about just working again. They were not the best jobs but ok jobs. I haven’t heard anything and I like to pretend o whatever they were shit I don’t care. But shit even they didn’t want me they were stupid easy jobs I could do in my sleep but no not good enough for them. Makes me realize how low my self esteem is when I don’t get a shitty job and I’m crushed. All I keep thinking is what did I do wrong and why I wasn’t good enough. I hate that about myself. It’s worst when I look at who they actually hire. When I worked in a factory and applied for the position above me and they gave it to some dumb guy who barely did anything and his way to do his job was to call someone else. I always feel like I have to prove myself.
Future
I had interview the other day and he has to take me he put me down for hour before. Doing nothing but saying I’m a horrible person, shitty mom, I’m gross and a disgrace. Then on car ride somehow he seemed to get meaner and more hurtful. I had to fight back tears the entire ride. Nothing like feeling like crying and attempting to talk to people and pretend like life is great. When I got home I took out trash and I seen someone walking and they started skipping. Made me feel like crying even more. To be so happy in life to skip while your doing some mundane stupid shit. I usually do the mundane shit to keep busy. I’m looking forward to skipping one day hopefully soon.
This fucking guy
You ever dislike someone then they do something and your like shit whole new level of hatred. He continues to make new levels of hatred. First was when he called me fat when I was pregnant. Then came when my daughter was born and told me I was shit mom and thank God my mom wasn’t around to see the shit mom I am. Another time this psycho brought up something that happened a year ago like it was yesterday and fuck if I remember that stupid shit and acted like caught me in lie. See now say something else entirely. Another pretty fucked up thing making me message dirty things so he can masturbate and get off. Some thing he would be making me message would be saying I would like to fuck his friend. His creepy always dirty looking gross lazy selfish friend. Then he would threaten to show everyone when I leave. Including naked photos we took when we got along. Said would send to everyone in my family and at my job. Couple times he refused to take me to work if didn’t “help”. This is when I was the only one working and couldn’t miss any days or would be fired. Before him I would never take off work. With him I use to take off because sometimes I just needed day off of explaining to him who was near me or of people talked to. I’m a huge fucking introvert but apparently as soon as I get to work he thinks I’m going to love small talk with random people. So I would have to explain how far away people were. Because he’s insane.
Get out
Got some things done made dinner then got yelled at for over an hour. Apparently he was upset. He later sent me text saying he was upset we are not having as much sex as we did. Like seriously fuck so stupid. I actually thought there was something wrong no he just ranted and raved and non-stop talked to me like shit cause he was fucking horny. So nice I was feeling like shit and crying because he was horny. He told me I was fat,lazy, and should be embarrassed of the dinner I made because he was fucking horny. He told me to leave like twenty times. I started looking at apartments. I think my old job is bringing back temps and I applied really hope they called. I been looking at other places close to shit place I live. I really can’t count on him giving me rides. I need to learn to drive and get my license but I don’t know how. He makes huge deal when I try and don’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. If I try living in the city I can walk or take bus. I just got to get out of this place.
Crushed
I had some hope about changing my life but my jackass reminded me he not going to let it happen easily. Already told me not taking me to work. I told him yeah eventually I’m going to move out because I don’t like to feel like I’m hiding shit. I especially don’t like to be accused of it. He’s in other room laughing at funny videos. I just want out of this shit. I fucking hate this. Already exhausted and just want to sleep. So shitty I new he would do this anything he had to stop me from getting away. He’s not working and I’m not working but he doesn’t care he says I should get job working at store I like. I told him I wouldn’t make enough. Just another way of keeping me put. Working a job that would just barely pay my bills. Yeah that’s what I want to do.
shit life 