Support

Do you ever get really excited about an idea. You think of your idea all day making mental notes and working out a plan. Then you finally tell someone and they install shit on it. Well that’s what my life sucking asshole does every time. I’m still some what lost in my plans for a solid career. But anytime I’ve ever showed interest in something he’s always right there to shit on it or squash it. I thought about photography because I love taking photos of this right away he shuts down and tells me I need to look into something to make money. Ok I thought about catering I enjoy cooking and good at planning and think I can do it. Again shit on it quickly tells me he doesn’t think it would work. I even think of the police right away he doesn’t think they would hire me cause I’m a girl. Ok other ideas outside of careers I want to put up table and wrap people’s presents for free just something nice to do. No right away shit on it people are going to accuse you of stealing. Another time I wanted to volunteer at a animal shelter ok says good idea. I go to meeting still good go to intro day finish that and on way home says idk when your going to be able to do this I’m so busy. Ok that ones not entirely on him I was working shit job at time and guy there also volunteered. But he started really creeping me out asking way personal questions and looking me up online. Either way I was real creeped out and didn’t want to risk running into him. Thought about doing at another one not as close. I try to always support him and his ideas. Why can’t he just pretend to like my ideas. Like fuck you can’t make an effort.

Being hopeful

Hopefully this jackass will be working alot so I can get things done. I have no problem doing things. Except for when he’s home most of the time if I’m not doing anything I like to avoid his dumb ass. Sucks on weekends and random days he’s off. He’s never willing to do things we need to do like get rid of donations. Or take recycling. Or even going to laundry mat. Its not going to magically happen dip shit. I got so annoyed that he doesn’t take me to laundry mat that I just ended up buying mini washing machine. I loved it. Little thing took some time to wash shit but I could do at home. All summer I washed everything and would hang to dry. Couple times I washed and he said he would take me to laundry mat to dry and I worked all day washing things and then he said he was too tired. He too tired to sit in car while I carry shut in dry it and carry out. I had to rewash everything the next day. He did this bullshit three fucking times. Like two weeks apart. Told you he had no respect for me or my time. Royal asshole.

The spinner side stopped spinning and I didn’t think I could fix so got rid of it. Miss you girl. You worked hard.

Getting older

It’s seems like as soon as I hit a certain age my body decided it’s not going to take this shit anymore. Everything seems to upset my stomach except salad. Cheese or to much pasta kills me. Meat goes right through me. My back is weak I tried exercising my knee ended up hurting and it freaked me out so I stopped. I was fine then it was like all the sudden everything hurts or upsets my body. Hurt my neck the other day I don’t even know how. I have some shit on my hand cut i don’t know where it came from. I keep finding bruising on my legs. I wake up and am still exhausted. I don’t know what is normal never been like this before. Fucking sucks

Alone

Sitting alone not really in mood for anything. Ate some milk and cookies. Because I’m santa and also because I don’t want them to go bad. I don’t like wasting anything. Food, fabric, time anything. I have most of a twenty pound turkey to do something with. Thinking turkey soup but I’m not really a fan of turkey. I hate to waste anything but my life suck/ asshole he waste anything. My daughter doesn’t want to eat the huge plate of food she had to have throw it away. He doesn’t put away rest of pizza whatever just throw it away. My daughter spills on her shirt just throw it away why try to clean it. Just another thing about him I hate. It’s so spoiled to just throw useful things away. People have hard time feeding there families but whatever just waste as much food as you want apparently. I used to pack my leftovers for lunch at work. They always tasted great and I would of never of ate if had other options. Made him lunch before he would just waste it all. anytime I make him anything or do anything for him he always has a but. It was good but needed salt. Meat was delicious but carrots needed cooked longer. Made him facemask with vw logo on it he said he likes it but it’s a little small. I asked him to put on before I finished to made sure it fit. Why does he always have to complain or put down things I do. Sometimes I feel like his shitty way to make me feel like everything I do isn’t good enough.

I don’t know if people like me adding photos or not. I don’t know. Sometimes I like other

Blanket I made with embroidered vw logo on it and foot pocket for car. He had his work boots sitting on it within a week.

Then there’s times I’ll make new recipes. Most of the time he won’t even try them. He just says I won’t like it. Even my five year old tries things. He basically eats like picky bratty child. Mainly because he is a picky bratty man child.

Life suck

I think everyone has a little life suck in there life. Shitty things or people that make your life suck a little or a lot. My life suck decided to wake up in his usual shit mood. Before him I liked most of my life. I worked with people I got along with. I didn’t really like them but we got along and they thought we were friends so it worked. I got along with my family. I had a dog and two cats life was good. Now I barely talk to family I don’t have dog or cat and have no jobs. I’m lonely and depressed. No one to talk to about anything. But that’s kinda the same I’m a very private person and don’t like to confide in anyone about anything. But the freedom is what I really miss. I used to think it was because I had a daughter but honestly it’s not. It’s my life suck sucking the life out of me and leaving me hollow.

Shit life is exhausting

Every time after an argument with my asshole I’m exhausted and upset and just want to hide and be alone. But him he watches funny movie, goes to visit his friends and does whatever he wants to do. Today he just takes our daughter and leaves to go idk where hopefully just to see his mom but who knows not me. I’m a big believer in noone is winning in a argument. The very fact that it got that fart that your talking down to people and making them this upset that they cry themselves to sleep is bad. Yet it always seems like he won. He’s always willing to argue about anything until he thinks he won. Never after an argument is he upset or in tears he just go on with his day. I hate how he’s the only one with endless freedom. He can spend what he wants on anything. He can leave at anytime or come home at anytime. If he wants to do anything he just does it. I’m allowed to cook what I want as long as he likes it. I get third degree when I take out garbage. I didn’t think my life was that great before I meet him but now I think how stupid I was to give it away. In the beginning I just always thought Im not used to being with someone and can’t be selfish so I would but his needs ahead of mine. Now everything is about what he wants. He got me absolutely nothing for Christmas and he kept making the excuse that he was broke. But Christmas doesn’t pop up on random day you knew was coming. It’s not a surprise. Before Christmas he was able to buy rediculous little robot for basically himself, always had shit to smoke, and went out to eat multiple times. Not one time did he look at something to get me or ask what I would want. He did same thing with his mom I tried so hard to make sure to get her things she would like and make her things she hopefully liked. And he just thought about shit on Christmas Eve after he got his shit.

Equally shit day

He can’t stop talking down to me. Really hate he’s got to try and use my daughter against me. Always saying shit in front of her. I fucking ask him every damn time I don’t care how upset you fucking are don’t say shit in front of your kid. It’s not fucking hard. But must be hardest thing in the world for him not to bad mouth me in front of my daughter, my family, people I work with. He can’t not say sexual shit in front of people or my daughter either. Like always shows an absolute zero amount of respect he has for anyone other than himself. I’m tired of avoiding some asshole in place I live. Don’t think of it as a home cause he’s constantly telling me to leave. He use to call me fat everyday now he’s moved on to telling me to get out of his house and I’m a fatass. So yeah really having great times. I been looking at jobs. Hard to find some for third shift. I just want away. Tired of being here. Tired of being by someone who purposely trys to provoke me and drag out shit for hours. Why does someone seem to get joy out of treating me shitty. He always seems satisfied that me made me upset and cry. I just want to be left alone. I’m not asking alot to not be watched on camera in the place I live. I’m about to cry and he’s cracking jokes in other room about me yelling so cops will come. Tired of feeling completely trapped and at any time he completely destroy the shitty life I have.

Lame

Yeah my schedule is messed up. Fucking great loved waking up early. Got so much done. Now nothing did some shit yesterday but barley anything in comparison to days woke up early. I’m trying to look at jobs not very limited opportunities when you need to work around a child and someone else schedule. Keep showing jobs far away even when I narrow search. Seen something I would love but then noticed was two hours away. I’ve thought of moving away but two hours I feel is to far and cause more drama and problems. This asshole changed the wifi password so I’m using all my data. At least I have phone before he would just turn off to punish me. My sister talks about us living together I’m contemplating it. But very unsure. I want to get away but I don’t know about living with someone. I don’t want to feel like I have to clean up after everyone or watch someone’s child. It doesn’t matter really for now because I need to get a job and my driver’s license. Yeah I don’t have one actually hard to get when no one is willing to teach you. All my asshole does is scream at me. When we drive he’s very perticular about windows and heat and music so I never touch anything cause he’ll just freak out. So I don’t know where anything is. I can open windows but im not good at remembering wipers or lights. The last time I drove was two months ago when tried getting my driver’s license and failed. Before my test he told me what’s the point your going to fail. So yeah fun. Before that I drove some but not really a lot. He always just ends up screaming at me and I’m not in the mood to deal with that. Yeah that’s the story of how where still together I just don’t do things he doesn’t like so I don’t have to deal with him freaking out. Even know he freaks out about everything.

Gaslight

I watched a therapist review of the movie tangled and they talked about glaslighting. It was the first time I ever heard of it but when they explained it I was like well shit that’s my relationship. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity. So fucked up but this is exactly what my asshole does. The stupidest thing he is willing to argue and argue about after a certain amount of time I start to think he must be right who is willing to argue so long about something so mundane and insignificant if there wrong. I must be wrong I barely even care. Even before that I always doubt myself and unless I’m like overly sure about something I won’t say anything. I have to be beyond positive to say things out loud. So when he argues so passionately about something I eventually just except I’m wrong. I don’t know how my shit relationship got this far. I use to be very independent I had two jobs I paid all my bills I took bus did what I want and talked to who I wanted to. Now jobless can’t go anywhere without him and he acts like I’m incapable of doing anything without him. He acts like my little brain is too small to deal with day to day life. I hate how when I worked people always thought I was some badass who didn’t take anyone’s shit but most days I was barely getting by trying not to cry. Nothing like getting screamed at while getting dropped off at work that breaks you down. When my daughter was first born I worked and he didn’t the entire time. I let him do whatever he wanted he had to stay home with our daughter so if he wanted to go out everyday as soon as I got home that was fine. I never told him he was worthless or doing shit job. I also never disconnected the internet or didn’t pay for his phone bill. But anytime he does he always acts like it’s justified he would have to if I’d listen. I don’t understand how people justify treating people like shit. Every time I was shitty to someone I felt horrible later and it weighted heavy on my mind. Fuck I over think a lot of shit I done or said for years. Any time I ever said something stupid or hurtful. He says things and a second later forgot what he said. I just feel like I give so much and get nothing but pain. Done for now errrr

Numb life

Feeling lonely again seems to happen more and more. I keep looking to the past and miss it. I don’t know why I miss it. My job was shit my friend was not a good friend and I was stuck just getting by. Now I’m not working which I miss, I have no friends, and im clueless to what to do about my future. So much had changed yet at the same time nothing has. I seem to collect hobbies and things to do but I really don’t have any passions in my life. I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of going through the motions. I watched a tv show about a chick and she met a priest and the way he talks about his faith is amazing. He talks about it and lights up and I know it’s a tv show but this is how some people actually care about it. Other people are passionate about there job or there family. I honestly have nothing in my life like that. Is this just me I love and adore my child but sometimes I want and need to be alone. I really don’t have anything else to be passionate about. I like many things but I don’t have that 100% pure passion for it. I’m more like yeah its ok. I read once that there is a driving force in people that make them want to do things or take chances. I take no chances and am living that numb life. How do people find there passions? Should I just try a bunch of stuff until something sticks. I kinda feel like I could be passionate about a lot of things but being constantly put down and not thought of as anything than less than that I lost my will to give two shits. Are people constantly doing things to keep there faith strong. Im basically rambling about nothing. I wish I was more decisive and had a clue what I want. All I know is I want out of my shit relationship. Peeep peep