Told him I have no interest in being with him or living with him. His response is to drive my broken car like shit and playing music at six in the morning. I just want to part and never see him again he’s gone the other way and seems to be attempting to fuck over what little I have buy completely destroying my car and making sure I wouldn’t want to live here. So yeah really fun. I don’t have money to repair my shit box of a car. It’s honestly a waste because as soon as something is fixed another thing breaks. Yeah fuck that shit car I hate you. Piece of shit Jetta. Just want this drama out of my life.
Tag: endless
Crushed
I had some hope about changing my life but my jackass reminded me he not going to let it happen easily. Already told me not taking me to work. I told him yeah eventually I’m going to move out because I don’t like to feel like I’m hiding shit. I especially don’t like to be accused of it. He’s in other room laughing at funny videos. I just want out of this shit. I fucking hate this. Already exhausted and just want to sleep. So shitty I new he would do this anything he had to stop me from getting away. He’s not working and I’m not working but he doesn’t care he says I should get job working at store I like. I told him I wouldn’t make enough. Just another way of keeping me put. Working a job that would just barely pay my bills. Yeah that’s what I want to do.
Watching tv
Ok I am rarely alone and rarely get to sit around and actually pay attention to a show I want to watch. But today my daughter was asleep and asshole fell asleep. So I was able to watch what I wanted without someone elses whiny comments that they hate it it’s old and stupid. I watched the first episode of columbo and shit I loved it. Just being alone being able to talk out loud and eat popcorn without someone’s bitchy complaints. It was heaven I loved it. I really can’t wait to do it again. I can watch things with my daughter but she’s always asking question after question. I love that she wants to know but sometimes she needs to go away. This asshole always cries I watch same shit over and over again. I watch it because I love it. He will watch anything just to watch something then when over remember nothing about it. I have probably rewatched Murder she wrote ten times. Some episodes I’m sure I’ve seen thirty times. I love it I like how she’s a badass and does what she wants. I like making fun of it because they never have any real evidence. I love the episodes in Cabot cove. It’s my favorite show and I like watching it but every time I do I have to hear someone bitch about it. Then he likes to pretend he’s being generous when letting me watch it right before he leaves. This man will put on show then take a bath and if I change it he will bitch. Fuck you I choose Murder she wrote over you. No hesitation at all.
Disappointing
So basically did absolutely nothing all day. Avoiding this asshole. There was so much I wanted and needed to do. But he was in mood and better to do nothing then deal with his endless rants of how much I suck. In days like this it always seems like no matter what I do he’s not happy. I do dishes he complains I’m not cleaning living room. I switch to do that and he yells at me for bothering him and being in the way. So far way behind in things that need done before Christmas. Doesn’t help I keep adding more things to do but I always do that. I been making homemade quesadillas and shit there so good. Want some tomorrow but low to no cheese so probably make something else. Need to get game plan and bust shit out. Complain later
Gaslight
I watched a therapist review of the movie tangled and they talked about glaslighting. It was the first time I ever heard of it but when they explained it I was like well shit that’s my relationship. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity. So fucked up but this is exactly what my asshole does. The stupidest thing he is willing to argue and argue about after a certain amount of time I start to think he must be right who is willing to argue so long about something so mundane and insignificant if there wrong. I must be wrong I barely even care. Even before that I always doubt myself and unless I’m like overly sure about something I won’t say anything. I have to be beyond positive to say things out loud. So when he argues so passionately about something I eventually just except I’m wrong. I don’t know how my shit relationship got this far. I use to be very independent I had two jobs I paid all my bills I took bus did what I want and talked to who I wanted to. Now jobless can’t go anywhere without him and he acts like I’m incapable of doing anything without him. He acts like my little brain is too small to deal with day to day life. I hate how when I worked people always thought I was some badass who didn’t take anyone’s shit but most days I was barely getting by trying not to cry. Nothing like getting screamed at while getting dropped off at work that breaks you down. When my daughter was first born I worked and he didn’t the entire time. I let him do whatever he wanted he had to stay home with our daughter so if he wanted to go out everyday as soon as I got home that was fine. I never told him he was worthless or doing shit job. I also never disconnected the internet or didn’t pay for his phone bill. But anytime he does he always acts like it’s justified he would have to if I’d listen. I don’t understand how people justify treating people like shit. Every time I was shitty to someone I felt horrible later and it weighted heavy on my mind. Fuck I over think a lot of shit I done or said for years. Any time I ever said something stupid or hurtful. He says things and a second later forgot what he said. I just feel like I give so much and get nothing but pain. Done for now errrr
I am such a dork
Ever since I started my bs blog ived gotten notifications about likes and people following. Not going to lie at first it was annoying so turned it off on my phone. But I word look at the notifications on my app. It was nice to know people where interested in what I was saying. Not a lot of people but to know there was any one who liked what I had to say was nice. Other day I didn’t get any notifications and how dare you people. I’m kidding but I did have a mini moment where I felt alone again. Made me realize how much I like being able to say what I need to say. I always thought talking about it was bullshit. But it really helps me to write down and talk about all the bullshit I have to deal with on a daily basis. I tried reading some other peoples blog but them talking about how much there husband is there for them made me more depressed. Which is weird cause I do like a show where everything is perfect and there problems are usually like i have to throw party for twenty people in four days. Basically a non problem. I wish I had problems like that instead I get my asshole screams at me makes me feel worthless alone and unable to change anything. It’s easier to watch a dumb tv show cause it’s so rediculously unreal. But reading about an actual real person is hard. Knowing that people have that perfect life where everything isn’t a constant struggle. It’s a reason I don’t like getting rid of things I struggled to get everything I have and hard to just give away something I struggled for. Like my shitty car I hate it he picked it out and I feel like it’s a lemon. The entire time I was afraid that I was going to miss payment and ruin my credit. Or it would be repoed I never missed a payment but the entire time still worried. I live in the country you really need a car to get around. I used to live in the suburbs before I would just walk or take bus car was nice but I really didn’t care. Of course my asshole would also say he’ll call people I have car payment with and tell them I don’t have insurance and it will be repoed. Yeah I’m shit speller. Fuck this is long and I’m rambling. Flicka dicka
Talking
One of the shitty things about my life how completely fucking alone I feel always. I know I am a loner by heart but any of the times I ever tried to talk to someone I always 100% regretted it. First time my asshole came screaming to my job made huge scene was very embarrassed,ashamed and upset. I’m a very private person I don’t like to share anything. He’ll I’ve worked with people for months and they never knew my name. I like to keep work and life completely separate. Like Ived have people who would call me there work wife but they didn’t know anything about me. Anyways back to bull he screamed at me screamed at my pregnant boss. Everyone acted very supportive and concerned. The next day completely different everyone completely ignored me,made sure not to talk to me and had shit ton o work waiting for me when I got there. Was like that till I quit. Next time I tried to talk to someone about it they acted very nice and supportive. Then pretty much walked away and made fun of me and talked a bunch of shit. So don’t really talk about it with people anymore. Better off less drama well at work anyway. Always felt like people looked down on me when they knew. I rather them know nothing. Woo fun times
Side note I don’t know about the titles like always seem stupid. It’s much more like a diary people can read. Well me it is.
Let the whining beginning
It wouldn’t be life with an asshole if he didn’t constantly wake up with a bitchy aditude. First thing he wakes up flips out about some stupid shit I tried opossuming it didn’t work. Like always this asshole is relentless and willing to endlessly argue about the most mundane igsnificate thing. It’s never good to respond because he with twist anything you say and then harp on it for an hour. I tried different tactics I tried reasoning no didn’t work. I tried explaining no still didn’t work just harps on that bullshit. I tried ignoring no this bat shit crazy asshole with just argue with himself. Like he’s actually talking to me. He gets really into to it. Got to do his mocking voice and imitating me. Then he gets loud and then quite cause he’s not yelling. He also gets really close in you face you don’t even need to respond cause he’s just going to yell and basically spit on you. Yeah shake my head. Couple times I even agreed with whatever he was saying he just yelled as much. The effort he puts into having an argument is insane. Then when he’s done he acts like everything is fine. Like I don’t have fucking amnesia you asshole. I still don’t want to be by you. The only thing that’s gotten better is he use to bring up shit from years ago like I just fucking did it like really. Dealing with him makes me exhausted. Sometimes I just go to sleep because my dreams are better than my life. Real fucked up. Ok rant complete I made crepes.
Plans
Fucking no point for me to make plans ever. I can ass my asshole if he planning on doing anything he just says no nothing at all. Ok I’m going to take bath, clean and sew. Yeah I’m weird I like getting clean to clean I don’t get it either but gets me in mood. I take bath then all the sudden he says lets go get food. Ok let’s go we go as getting food says I got to go get my check. Ok do that been an fucking hour. Now he wants to go pickup his jacket he left at friends. Ok fine we’ll do that since we’re fifteen minutes away. So we go he goes in he’s inside for over thirty minutes while I wait in the car. Just picking up a jacket. Then he cons me into going to his other friends house so he can check out his boat. His friends are shitty not surprising assholes travel in packs. Ok end up staying at his friends house where they completely ignore the fact they have two kids and it’s basically me only one around the kids. So about six hours later finally getting home. I don’t get to do what I planned on doing I basically just sat waiting for someone all day. This shit happens all the time. When I don’t want to go he’ll complain for legit fucking hours. If I still won’t go he’ll put off till I will go. The man acts like he can’t do shit unless I’m there. Its been years and still don’t get this shit. I usually rather do shit by myself. Fucking people end of rant
Mystery monolith
Ok ok I got to talk about this shit. Do I feel like it’s out of this world not really. Honestly I feel like it’s just some random shit someone did. Ok I like to keep to myself. I’m a huge introvert and most of my jobs I worked alone at monotonous jobs. But I was never board want to know why well first I’m always got some shit in my mind to think about or plan. Second I would do things that humored me. One being fucking with random people. Ok I worked in a factory and we pretty much had a constant rotation of new people coming in. In my area there was various machines and not many people knew much about them because if anything happened right away they would send brand new person to fix machine they never seen alone. So I made labels that matched the rest of the machine and took some knobs off a machine being dismantled and I glued the knobs on in random places on the machine and put lables that said shit like air pressure or electric current regulator. It was a machine that didn’t need air and I just made up the other shit. So anytime a new person came to fix it they would be trying to turn knob and trying to find in book. Yeah I’m a bitch but it was funny two new guys not willing to ask anyone about shit they didn’t know about so they just try turning a glued on knob. I didn’t do it to be mean or brag about cause honestly don’t care about others opinions but I thought that shit was fucking halarious. Another person I use to fuck with ok fucked with him cause he was a narcissist. He had a tool box he would leave unlocked every day I would mess with his drawers and rearrange everything. For like two months everyday he would get so pissed. Honestly was going to do only once but fuck his reaction was priceless I did it everyday. Fuck you nick. That shit was funny.
shit life 