Tag: gaslight

Resentment

One of the things I never thought I would feel is resentment for other people. People who don’t get called a fat ass every single day. People who just get to do things without someone telling them there shit and worthless. Seems like every time I leave the house I’m on the verge of tears. How does someone feel treat someone the way he does then just no even think about it. Scream at me as soon as he wakes up. Then just go to work and talk to people about everyday shit. All the times hes called me names and put me down there was only one time he said he was sorry. I made dinner for his mom’s birthday. Later he got mad call me fatass disgusting loser and dinner was fucking gross. Later he sad sorry that dinner was good. Never said anything else about all the other shit he said. How does someone say such horrible things every single fucking time. One time I was upset and said something about his teeth because he has bad teeth. I instantly felt like shit and lucky he already walked away and didn’t hear me. That was one fucking time to deaf ears. He sinks to the lowest every single time. Today he told me I better not be pregnant because I’m a shit mom. Then he continues if I am I better get a fucking abortion. Seems like every day I’m off I just want to do nothing but sleep so I don’t have to deal with him. He keeps saying I love to play the victim and say everyone treats me like shit. Absolutely not no one treats me like he does. Mostly I’m invisible and I’m mainly ok with that. I’m tired of being treated like shit. All I want to do is have a regular life. Where I don’t have ask permission to do things or get treated like a child when he’s mad. The other day he refused to take me to work. He doesn’t let me use the internet. I did laundry at the laundry mat yesterday and he acted like I was being rediculous because I wanted to take my phone. No I don’t want to sit for hours doing nothing. I want to be able to go through out my day without getting screamed at or belittled. I would like to actually show interest in the things I like and not be worried someone is going to shit talk it and tell me how stupid I am for liking it. He seems to find endless amount of things to insult me with lately it’s been I’m old. Even know he’s older than me he’s been saying shit about me being old. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I try to keep the peace but seems like nothing I do is good. Im just tired of trying. Just feel utterly alone.

Don’t look unless you expect the worst

Ok I bought a bike preparing for the day this jackass refuses to take me to work. It was the cheapest bike I could buy. I don’t normally buy things for myself but I bought this for me. I of course still got to hear shit about how I’m a selfish bitch and shitty mom. I got the mail the other day and automatically just put in my bag on my way to work. Today I looked at it it was some bs and his bank statement. Usually I don’t look at it but did this time. And fuvking a this ass hat spent shit ton of money without saying a fucking word. I talked about buying the bike. This dip shit spends over three grand without batting a fucking eye. I really want this fucking human garbage out of my fucking life. I don’t need this selfish ass hat putting me down and spending shit ton of money behind my back. Fuck you fuck you stupid asshole I hate you. Spending money that wasn’t even yours. Selfish fucking prick.

Yet another low

This psycho has hit yet another low. We went to the laundry mat and the store my daughter was ok at laundry mat and little bratty when leaving the store. He took her to the car and I check out. I put stuff in car and he instantly starts flipping shit about her additude. Yes she was not behaving but he was taking completely way to far. I had to get the rest of the laundry and I wanted to take her with me. This psycho says if i take her he’s going to be mean to her the rest of the day. Like you must be insane who the fuck say that kind of shit to a child. Obviously I took her with me he got all huffy and pissed and drove off. We waited for laundry to dry and when were about to leave we seen him waiting. Then when I had to go to work he had to be a jackass yet again. It’s getting to a point where Im worried about going to work. I don’t want him in her life. She would be better off without him. He does to her what he does to me putt her down and talk to her like she’s garbage. I fucking hate it and can’t stand him. He keeps acting like I need him so badly. You know what my life would be without him it would be happy. I would be actually fucking happy not just putting on a face and pretending. Fuck your my personal cancer slowly killing me and making my life a struggle.

Yet again screwing me over

Told him I have no interest in being with him or living with him. His response is to drive my broken car like shit and playing music at six in the morning. I just want to part and never see him again he’s gone the other way and seems to be attempting to fuck over what little I have buy completely destroying my car and making sure I wouldn’t want to live here. So yeah really fun. I don’t have money to repair my shit box of a car. It’s honestly a waste because as soon as something is fixed another thing breaks. Yeah fuck that shit car I hate you. Piece of shit Jetta. Just want this drama out of my life.

Yep

I just bought something I been wanting to buy for years. It was under twenty dollars and it’s cheap and absolutely made in China. Yet I love it and I don’t want to wear it or show much interested in it. I know it’s only a matter of time until he shits on it and puts me down for even liking it. He’s going to tell me I’m selfish for always buying things for myself. This is the same man who will wait till I get off of working twelve hour shift and make me get him stuff from gas station. Spending my money and being the one to go in and get it. Because he rather wait twelve hours for me to get then to just get it himself. Same person who won’t let me go to laundry mat alone yet will just sit there while I wash and fold laundry complaining how long it’s taking. It takes as long as it takes. I’m not leaving with wet laundry so I can attempt to hang shit ton of towels around my house. Fuck that you can wait ten more minutes.

Always wanted one

Shit relationship

Every damn time it happens I’m someone suprised yet also expecting it. I just took my daughter to a class and we got food and we’re going to go to a park to eat and play. We get to park and it’s gravel parking lot with no lines and no other cars. He pulls in then has to back in for some reason. I just just park already and he instantly gets mad and puts me down. Calling me fat ass and saying he’s ready to leave. I just sit down and start eating. He continues to put me down my daughter finishes her fries and goes and plays on playground. I make sure the slides are dry and hug her and go back to eating. He then starts saying I’m using my child as a pawn. What kind of fucked up person thinks this of the person there with. What the fuck is wrong with him. Apparently me hugging my daughter before she plays is me using her as a pawn. I really loathe that he has to say this in front of her. I hate him having absolutely no respect for me or my feelings. No respect no respect at all.

I don’t have respect or love just a relationship

Permanently depressed

I am in a perpetual state of on edge of tears. Haven’t cryed yet but always feel like I’m I guess overwhelmed. I just feel emotionally exhausted. I always want to do so much then get put down and end up doing nothing. We went on a family run which was so fun. But even when were having fun exercising as a family he has to put down everything I do. I run slow, I have bad form, I think we should go look at water after no he said no, then I say we should play on playground after because she’s being good and listening. No he doesn’t want that. I usually do what he wants. But fuck if I want to do something I shouldn’t get scolded like a fucking child. Like today I got yelled at like a child then he turned off the wifi so I would have to use my data. My phone has like no data an sucks. So yeah really bullshit getting yelled at and having something taken away like a child. Fuck you asshole never have I done that to you. Fucking asshat

Does he like this?

Sometimes I feel like this asshole likes making me feel like shit and putting me down. He’ll always argue about the most rediculous things. This morning because we haven’t had sex. Just going on and on how he despises me. Told me to fuck off and die. And many more beyond horrible things. My feelings are more I don’t like you please leave. I don’t want to talk to him or be by him I’m not going to fight or argue I’m just done and want to move on. He shits on everything I like so much and with such enthusiasm it just makes me hate most of my stuff. It’s at the point I don’t want to openly like anything because it’s only a matter of time before he shits on it. I have antique furniture and I loved it so much. But he spent so much time and energy trashing it and telling me how fucking stupid I am for liking what I like I really don’t want most of my stuff anymore. I bought something and right away he’s got to say something. I was very excited and right away crushed. That’s him constantly putting down everything about me, everything I like, and how I am. Real fun

Future

I had interview the other day and he has to take me he put me down for hour before. Doing nothing but saying I’m a horrible person, shitty mom, I’m gross and a disgrace. Then on car ride somehow he seemed to get meaner and more hurtful. I had to fight back tears the entire ride. Nothing like feeling like crying and attempting to talk to people and pretend like life is great. When I got home I took out trash and I seen someone walking and they started skipping. Made me feel like crying even more. To be so happy in life to skip while your doing some mundane stupid shit. I usually do the mundane shit to keep busy. I’m looking forward to skipping one day hopefully soon.