I’m kind of sick of people at the moment. I’m tired of people shoving shit in my face. Yet again I come back to the fact I don’t like living with other people. I absolutely cannot trust people with shit. Not even with the smallest of shit. Do I have high expectations or standards. I really don’t think so. I really don’t expect much from people. I share the absolute minimum I need to. One thing they don’t disappoint on is making me feel like shit. I just want to be alone for a bit. People I seem to be around are never worth it. Tired of people not respecting me. I’m tired of people thinking they know what’s better for me. I’m tired of people saying there different then my ex and do all the same things. I don’t care if your upset thats no excuse to put me down. Fuck your apologies they mean nothing when you do it over and over again. He just seems to be full of empty gestures. Tired need to pack for day.
Tag: hate my life
I hate
I hate that I always have to be the responsible person. I always have to plan. I always have to make sure things got done. I hate that my daughter will be so understanding and caring for her father. Then when it comes to me my daughter is harsh, mean, and just terrible. I was teaching my daughter something because her dad isn’t good at those kinds of things. When we were done she talked about how she is smarter then me. Like what the actual fudge. Sometimes I honestly can’t stand her. I make a point to not say negative things about her father around her. But he on the other hand has no problem saying shit to her about me. I’m tired of trying to give her everything and her treating me like shit. I’m emotionally drained and keep thinking of just going on the road.
Im ridiculous
Why am I so anxious about working tomorrow. Just stressed and freaking out. It’s ridiculous. I’m being a complete ass to my boyfriend. What is wrong with me. Errrr what the hell. Stop the shit and go. I’m going that’s it. I’m going to set alarms go to sleep and wake up for a new day. Make that money. Ok let’s do this.
shit friend
I recently connected with an old friend. We have known each other for over ten years. I was so excited to talk to them and spend time with them. This is probably the fifth time we were supposed to hangout and they just blew me off. At this point I really don’t see the point in saying anything. I was so excited to talk to him about things. Get his input and thoughts on things. Just a complete waste. I don’t see the point. It seems to happen any time I get excited for something. This is why I just don’t. I know better. I know to expect it to be shitty. Just lame.
What am I doing
I have so many thoughts. So many ideas. I want to plan to do so many things. I’m feeling so down and so unsure of everything. I’m not in the mood to do anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Seems like depression but I’m not even thinking about the future and that’s usually all I think about. My boyfriend is being so amazing and awesome but he’s just getting on my nerves. I don’t know why I just want to be alone. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I try to do thinkmgs like go swimming and I just zone out and end up wanting to go back home to lay in bed. I got a job and it seemed nice and pay was better than last job. But just seemed like red flags in a pretty package. I know it’s dumb but I’m still upset about my other job. I really cared about my residents and am worried about them. I also don’t care because the people I worked under where shit and absolutely didn’t care. I just feel done for a bit in my field. Which kinda sucks because I think I should go to school for it but I don’t know. Should I it kind of sucks. It’s not free schooling. I just don’t know and I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to about things. I probably do but I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about anything.
classical music
I watched a movie recently and it had some amazing classical music and honestly I’m in love. It was some beautiful cello music. I love a lot of types of music but lately classical music is really connecting with my depressed dark angry soul. It’s calming and exciting at the same time. I love listening to it when I’m depressed I just focus on the music and forget things for a moment. Then other times I listen to focus on something. If I was to learn an instrument I would want to know how to play the cello. I just love the deepness of it. Deep and dark sound just pure bliss for me.
more random thoughts of a stranger.
sleep
Sleep dream image Sleep to leave todayDream to miss those lostImage a beautiful day
Sometimes I choose to sleep as long as I can to have amazing dreams. Dreams my mom is still alive. Days with good dreams are hard to wake up and live the day.
Just getting by
feel like I’m just getting by. Not so much financially just emotionally. Like I’m running on fumes. On autopilot or just not in the moment. I’m either doing a lot of things or in bed all day long doing nothing. Thinking of writing some poetry so watch out for that shit pile coming.
depressed probably
I been feeling off for a while. I got excited to see a friend I haven’t seen in a while. They stood me up. I don’t think I know or have know anyone who has been reliable. I’ve also never know or been with anyone I feel completely comfortable with and actually open up with. So far I feel like I’ve only opened up 10 percent. Forever alone Forever silent. Always holding everything back.
emotionally exhausted
I had a horrible day at work. Just felt overwhelmed and emotionally spent. I’m just tired about everything. I don’t know how to feel about things. On a side note my daughter called for the dog in her sleep. Which was adorable. Said the dogs name like 10 times. She also watched one of my favorite movies with me and loved it. Ok I can only write this because my boyfriend is asleep. But deep down I feel like he doesn’t care about me at all. I don’t know if I’m just weird but when I care about someone I want to know everything about them. There likes there dislikes. I want to see the baby pics and there awkward high-school pictures. I want to know there hopes,dreams, the things that they can’t stand. Basically everything. I don’t know if it’s a chick thing because my ex also seemed to not care. But then again he only cared about himself. I have lived with this person a year. I feel like I know him but he’s also a stranger. He doesn’t have a single picture of me. Or seem to want to take any. I don’t know sometimes I feel like the relationship is one-sided. Just mainly with effort. I don’t know if I’m talking out my ass or what. But I don’t think if we didn’t live together he would put in any effort to see me. Sometimes I want to tell him to move out to see if he does make the effort. But that’s so shitty and childish. His life isn’t a game. I don’t know I just feel like running away. Im tired of feeling like everything is temporary. How he feels. No matter how hard I work or we’ll of a job I do. Everything is just temporary. Eventually he’s going to leave. I’m going to lose my job. I don’t know always feel like it’s because of me.
shit life 