thoughts are all over the place. I can feel myself putting up a guard and self sabotaging. I like him alot but was going to tell him I need time. Then I buy him bunch of random shit online. Like what the fuck. I can see him Thursday but decide to spend time with someone else. Ok let me be real because I don’t really want him or anyone to read this. I can really see something for us. But I push him away and spend time with someone else. Ok I know why I’m doing it. Honestly because he actually spends time and wants too. He loves to cuddle. I like him but don’t see a future like I do the other guy. I don’t always make sense. Shit most of the time I don’t make any. I was tired and what do I do stay up all night. I’m watching a movie that makes me cry and I’m getting emotional. Also making dumb decisions. I want to just stay home and cuddle but I also feel like being impulsive and going to him. I’m tired of waiting for other people. I like him and want to see him. But I also think if he really wanted to he would. Sick of men acting like I don’t know why I’m single. Maybe it’s because you can’t even make the smallest of efforts. I want someone who’s going to treat me right make me feel amazing and special. But then I also feel like just taking anything and being with them. I’m a giver and an unconditional lover either way. I nonstop think about the person I’m with and do anything I can to make them happy. Plus I accept people for who they are I’m not in a relationship with someone to change them I’m with them because I enjoy them. I know I need to focus more on me but I honestly love the fact that I’m like that. I just need someone who’s going to appreciate it and treat me like they actually care about me. Sleep now more later. It’s all random shit anyway.
Tag: hate my life
searching
I feel like I’m searching for something that doesn’t exist. A fantasy or fantom of my imagination. Or perhaps a lost item long forgotten lingering in far off distant unforseen land. I been alone for a long time. Mostly I’m ok with it. But it’s those rare moments that it’s unbearable. The moments seem to becoming more and more. I find myself longing for someone and something that will never happen and only be realized in a dream. It seems like everytime I feel brave enough and think someone is special enough to let in. They take one look around and head for the door. I keep acting like I don’t know what I’m doing with all my horrible life decisions lately. But deep down I know exactly what I’m doing. Trying to find just one person to accept and want me. I guess I need to change my strategy. I honestly want to give up. Utterly heart breaking to be thrown away without a second thought. I made a huge mistake and regret it. I look back and all I feel is disgust. All the things I let go, the way he treated me, the way he made me feel. What is wrong with me. I don’t want to have any communication at all with him. But hard now I long for a connection. For the feel of someone’s arms wrapped around mine holding me close. Feel beyond emotional lately. I been bottling up everything for so long. When I actually do let them out it’s this massive wave of hurt and pain hitting me all at once. I feel like I’m becoming more and more pathetic. I constantly beg my Lil alien to spend time with me. He says he wants to but also seems to be more distant. Seems most of what I say falls of deaf ears. It’s heartbreaking when your trying to share something and the response you receive is yeah. Did you even read it because you wouldn’t be saying that. I want someone to just hold me. Not try to do or say anything just hold me. But until that time I will continue to bundle myself in my blankets.
saboteur
Pretty fucking sure I self sabotage any potential relationships. I absolutely don’t trust people. But then again should I. Basically a fucking stranger. Am I just supposed to basically trust a stranger. Am I supposed to build trust. People lie and hide things for a long time. I want to believe people when they tell me things. But then I think why the hell would I. I was having a good night the other night then someone randomly messaged and said some off the wall shit. Then not even twenty minutes later someone else tells me some off the wall shit. Ok yes one was my ex and he never seems to be finished trying to hurt me. And yes I’m going to make an excuse for the other one he was drunk. Apparently wasted but either way the fuck. Just feel like people have no respect for me. What am I doing that people don’t give a shit about me. Random I think I’m done with people talking to me like shit. Especially on the fucking guise of a joke. Fuck that shit. I deserve more than that. Yes maybe I’m a little messy and not good at finishing one thing before I go on to another. But I know I’m kinda great. Especially in a relationship. I’m a person that gives all I can, loves unconditionally, and constantly tries to make the person I’m with happy. I’m done fucking around so post this random shit.
Lonely yet not
I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me lately. Sometimes I’m perfectly content but then I’ll feel incredibly lonely. I don’t know what I want yet at the same time I do. I want to spend time with someone yet I want to be alone. I want a relationship yet at the same time I’m worried about being in one. I know some of it is trauma from my ex. Because any time I think of a relationship I feel like it will be the end of my freedom. The end of me making my own decisions and plans. I absolutely love living alone. I like leaving when I want. Taking a bath for as long as I want. Not having to explain anything I’m doing. I do wish I had someone to spend time with sometimes. I love coming home to an empty quiet home. With everything in the same place I left it. Yes sometimes I wish someone was there to cuddle with but honestly I don’t know if I’ll find someone that can except me for who I am. A sometimes messy random crafty dork who likes to take long baths and do whatever she wants when she wants without explanation.
HURT
I hurt myself today. I seen it coming and I did it anyway. Then I tried blocking and ignoring the pain. Then it smacked me in the face like a ton of bricks. I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately I seem almost desperate for something. Something I’ve honestly never had. I worry about myself alot lately something I never was able to do before. Somehow I miss something so bad. Yet I know I never had it before. I long to be close to someone. Honestly anyone. The sadness thats within me is heartbreaking. At moments impossible to contain. I’m exhausted from keeping up appearances and putting on a smile. I been bottling up my emotions so much anytime I allow myself to actually feel it’s beyond overwhelming. The other day a sad episode of something was on TV and I was uncontrolably bawling from it. I’m so use to not let any emotion out that when the brief second I do it’s like a enormous wave hits me. Millions of people in the world and I can’t find one that seems to genuinely care. Someone that treats me more than an object. Something to enjoy for a short time and move on and never think of again. There are some things I do that I absolutely love. But I do it without hesitation with people that toss me away. I know deep down that I do it because maybe if they will like it enough then they might be willing to actually accept me for who I am. It’s impossible for me to actually open up about myself but doing that hell yeah let’s go. I planned on not doing it and instantly do. I really want to be accepted but opening up to people is terrifying. I’m 31 years old and haven’t found a single person that genuinely seems to care for me. I tell people I want to wait u til we get to know each other better. But so far hasn’t happened. I was with my ex for 8 years and I feel like he barely knows me at all. 8 years I feel like all he knows is basic things and my family. It’s sad because I still blame myself for everything. For my ex treating me they way he did. For the guy who ditches me over a misunderstanding. The guy that I was talking to about everything to except what I like to do who then ghosted me. Even for the guy who talked to me like shit and like I was beneath him and makes me feel like an inconvenience to him who probably going to ghost me. I don’t know what I’m constantly doing wrong. People seem to have no problem throwing me away. Is it the people I’m talking to. None of them seem the same. I don’t trust myself I’m all over the place with men. No matter what I do or what I give I always seem to be an inconvenience to them. Something to merely occupy there time until something better comes along. I’m exhausted from the pain. Why can I be so easily thrown away and yet I miss them. I can’t get attached without feeling like I’m attached and will always care. I can’t let go of people so easily. I miss them even if they were terrible for me. I miss cuddling with them and being near them. But I’m tired of being the only one who seems to care. How do I shelter myself. Do I need to put up more walls. Because I feel like I already got them. Do I need to keep them at a distance for longer. I honestly don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I think it’s just me at this point. The loneliness is unbearable at times. I just want to be held. Until then I guess I’ll be uncomfortably numb.
Fuck explaining myself
Fuck explaining myself. I am thirty years old, take care of my child, and pay my own bills. Why the fuck do I always have to explain myself. I was doing regular nothing shit. This jackass was about to wake up. Then thought about his usual morning wood and got horny. He wakes up like asshat and ask who made me horny. Like sometimes I’m just horny. Like fuck off with your assholeness. Tired of instead of just saying no he’s got to wake up accusing me of shit and being an asshole.
Resentment
One of the things I never thought I would feel is resentment for other people. People who don’t get called a fat ass every single day. People who just get to do things without someone telling them there shit and worthless. Seems like every time I leave the house I’m on the verge of tears. How does someone feel treat someone the way he does then just no even think about it. Scream at me as soon as he wakes up. Then just go to work and talk to people about everyday shit. All the times hes called me names and put me down there was only one time he said he was sorry. I made dinner for his mom’s birthday. Later he got mad call me fatass disgusting loser and dinner was fucking gross. Later he sad sorry that dinner was good. Never said anything else about all the other shit he said. How does someone say such horrible things every single fucking time. One time I was upset and said something about his teeth because he has bad teeth. I instantly felt like shit and lucky he already walked away and didn’t hear me. That was one fucking time to deaf ears. He sinks to the lowest every single time. Today he told me I better not be pregnant because I’m a shit mom. Then he continues if I am I better get a fucking abortion. Seems like every day I’m off I just want to do nothing but sleep so I don’t have to deal with him. He keeps saying I love to play the victim and say everyone treats me like shit. Absolutely not no one treats me like he does. Mostly I’m invisible and I’m mainly ok with that. I’m tired of being treated like shit. All I want to do is have a regular life. Where I don’t have ask permission to do things or get treated like a child when he’s mad. The other day he refused to take me to work. He doesn’t let me use the internet. I did laundry at the laundry mat yesterday and he acted like I was being rediculous because I wanted to take my phone. No I don’t want to sit for hours doing nothing. I want to be able to go through out my day without getting screamed at or belittled. I would like to actually show interest in the things I like and not be worried someone is going to shit talk it and tell me how stupid I am for liking it. He seems to find endless amount of things to insult me with lately it’s been I’m old. Even know he’s older than me he’s been saying shit about me being old. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I try to keep the peace but seems like nothing I do is good. Im just tired of trying. Just feel utterly alone.
Hate this fucking dude
This piece of shit. Fuck this damn dude. Stupid asshole saying shit in front of my kid. What kind of piece of shit involves a child in our argument. Telling her I’m going to neglect her. Fucking sack of shit. God damnit as mad as he’s gotten me I never tell my daughter anything. fucking low life. seriously the lowest piece of shit.
Don’t look unless you expect the worst
Ok I bought a bike preparing for the day this jackass refuses to take me to work. It was the cheapest bike I could buy. I don’t normally buy things for myself but I bought this for me. I of course still got to hear shit about how I’m a selfish bitch and shitty mom. I got the mail the other day and automatically just put in my bag on my way to work. Today I looked at it it was some bs and his bank statement. Usually I don’t look at it but did this time. And fuvking a this ass hat spent shit ton of money without saying a fucking word. I talked about buying the bike. This dip shit spends over three grand without batting a fucking eye. I really want this fucking human garbage out of my fucking life. I don’t need this selfish ass hat putting me down and spending shit ton of money behind my back. Fuck you fuck you stupid asshole I hate you. Spending money that wasn’t even yours. Selfish fucking prick.
Yet another low
This psycho has hit yet another low. We went to the laundry mat and the store my daughter was ok at laundry mat and little bratty when leaving the store. He took her to the car and I check out. I put stuff in car and he instantly starts flipping shit about her additude. Yes she was not behaving but he was taking completely way to far. I had to get the rest of the laundry and I wanted to take her with me. This psycho says if i take her he’s going to be mean to her the rest of the day. Like you must be insane who the fuck say that kind of shit to a child. Obviously I took her with me he got all huffy and pissed and drove off. We waited for laundry to dry and when were about to leave we seen him waiting. Then when I had to go to work he had to be a jackass yet again. It’s getting to a point where Im worried about going to work. I don’t want him in her life. She would be better off without him. He does to her what he does to me putt her down and talk to her like she’s garbage. I fucking hate it and can’t stand him. He keeps acting like I need him so badly. You know what my life would be without him it would be happy. I would be actually fucking happy not just putting on a face and pretending. Fuck your my personal cancer slowly killing me and making my life a struggle.
shit life 