Future

I had interview the other day and he has to take me he put me down for hour before. Doing nothing but saying I’m a horrible person, shitty mom, I’m gross and a disgrace. Then on car ride somehow he seemed to get meaner and more hurtful. I had to fight back tears the entire ride. Nothing like feeling like crying and attempting to talk to people and pretend like life is great. When I got home I took out trash and I seen someone walking and they started skipping. Made me feel like crying even more. To be so happy in life to skip while your doing some mundane stupid shit. I usually do the mundane shit to keep busy. I’m looking forward to skipping one day hopefully soon.

This fucking guy

You ever dislike someone then they do something and your like shit whole new level of hatred. He continues to make new levels of hatred. First was when he called me fat when I was pregnant. Then came when my daughter was born and told me I was shit mom and thank God my mom wasn’t around to see the shit mom I am. Another time this psycho brought up something that happened a year ago like it was yesterday and fuck if I remember that stupid shit and acted like caught me in lie. See now say something else entirely. Another pretty fucked up thing making me message dirty things so he can masturbate and get off. Some thing he would be making me message would be saying I would like to fuck his friend. His creepy always dirty looking gross lazy selfish friend. Then he would threaten to show everyone when I leave. Including naked photos we took when we got along. Said would send to everyone in my family and at my job. Couple times he refused to take me to work if didn’t “help”. This is when I was the only one working and couldn’t miss any days or would be fired. Before him I would never take off work. With him I use to take off because sometimes I just needed day off of explaining to him who was near me or of people talked to. I’m a huge fucking introvert but apparently as soon as I get to work he thinks I’m going to love small talk with random people. So I would have to explain how far away people were. Because he’s insane.

Get out

Got some things done made dinner then got yelled at for over an hour. Apparently he was upset. He later sent me text saying he was upset we are not having as much sex as we did. Like seriously fuck so stupid. I actually thought there was something wrong no he just ranted and raved and non-stop talked to me like shit cause he was fucking horny. So nice I was feeling like shit and crying because he was horny. He told me I was fat,lazy, and should be embarrassed of the dinner I made because he was fucking horny. He told me to leave like twenty times. I started looking at apartments. I think my old job is bringing back temps and I applied really hope they called. I been looking at other places close to shit place I live. I really can’t count on him giving me rides. I need to learn to drive and get my license but I don’t know how. He makes huge deal when I try and don’t feel comfortable asking anyone else. If I try living in the city I can walk or take bus. I just got to get out of this place.

Being hopeful

Hopefully this jackass will be working alot so I can get things done. I have no problem doing things. Except for when he’s home most of the time if I’m not doing anything I like to avoid his dumb ass. Sucks on weekends and random days he’s off. He’s never willing to do things we need to do like get rid of donations. Or take recycling. Or even going to laundry mat. Its not going to magically happen dip shit. I got so annoyed that he doesn’t take me to laundry mat that I just ended up buying mini washing machine. I loved it. Little thing took some time to wash shit but I could do at home. All summer I washed everything and would hang to dry. Couple times I washed and he said he would take me to laundry mat to dry and I worked all day washing things and then he said he was too tired. He too tired to sit in car while I carry shut in dry it and carry out. I had to rewash everything the next day. He did this bullshit three fucking times. Like two weeks apart. Told you he had no respect for me or my time. Royal asshole.

The spinner side stopped spinning and I didn’t think I could fix so got rid of it. Miss you girl. You worked hard.

Watching tv

Ok I am rarely alone and rarely get to sit around and actually pay attention to a show I want to watch. But today my daughter was asleep and asshole fell asleep. So I was able to watch what I wanted without someone elses whiny comments that they hate it it’s old and stupid. I watched the first episode of columbo and shit I loved it. Just being alone being able to talk out loud and eat popcorn without someone’s bitchy complaints. It was heaven I loved it. I really can’t wait to do it again. I can watch things with my daughter but she’s always asking question after question. I love that she wants to know but sometimes she needs to go away. This asshole always cries I watch same shit over and over again. I watch it because I love it. He will watch anything just to watch something then when over remember nothing about it. I have probably rewatched Murder she wrote ten times. Some episodes I’m sure I’ve seen thirty times. I love it I like how she’s a badass and does what she wants. I like making fun of it because they never have any real evidence. I love the episodes in Cabot cove. It’s my favorite show and I like watching it but every time I do I have to hear someone bitch about it. Then he likes to pretend he’s being generous when letting me watch it right before he leaves. This man will put on show then take a bath and if I change it he will bitch. Fuck you I choose Murder she wrote over you. No hesitation at all.

Blog

I never know what to blog about. What would people like to read about. Happy times, hard times, crafts. I don’t know I’m looking more to my future lately. Thinking about going to school for some things. I’m scared but looking. I don’t get how people can do things and not be sure it’s going to work out. Ok I can do it with little things. I try sewing something it doesn’t work and that’s ok I didn’t spend years on it or thousands of dollars no biggie. But if I did this it’s going to effect other people and I think about missing out on my daughter’s life. I know it’s a little dramatic but I don’t want her to miss out on anything. But still thinking hard about it.

Getting older

It’s seems like as soon as I hit a certain age my body decided it’s not going to take this shit anymore. Everything seems to upset my stomach except salad. Cheese or to much pasta kills me. Meat goes right through me. My back is weak I tried exercising my knee ended up hurting and it freaked me out so I stopped. I was fine then it was like all the sudden everything hurts or upsets my body. Hurt my neck the other day I don’t even know how. I have some shit on my hand cut i don’t know where it came from. I keep finding bruising on my legs. I wake up and am still exhausted. I don’t know what is normal never been like this before. Fucking sucks

Fuck resolutions

Year is almost over all I can think is fuck I’m still with this asshole. I don’t make new years resolutions but always in the back of my mind think not going to be with this asshole life suck much longer. And look about to go on seven fucking years. I never know how the fuck I lasted this long. Some days aren’t that bad other days are agonizingly horrible. I was so hopeful last year after I got my job I loved. I was dreaming about getting my own place and leaving. I would fantasize daily about everything I was going to do. I was going to work overtime or get second job on weekends so I could save up for a house. I was going to change my hair. Start dressing in dresses like I always wanted to. I still tried doing this but when someone calls you fat in pretty dress you really feel low again and don’t want to wear it anymore. I was thinking of getting a dog. I can’t have a cat my daughter is allergic. So was finally going to get us a dog she wants one so bag and so do I. But nothing happened this year is just the same as the last year. I’m lonely depressed and even more hopeless than before.

Life suck

I think everyone has a little life suck in there life. Shitty things or people that make your life suck a little or a lot. My life suck decided to wake up in his usual shit mood. Before him I liked most of my life. I worked with people I got along with. I didn’t really like them but we got along and they thought we were friends so it worked. I got along with my family. I had a dog and two cats life was good. Now I barely talk to family I don’t have dog or cat and have no jobs. I’m lonely and depressed. No one to talk to about anything. But that’s kinda the same I’m a very private person and don’t like to confide in anyone about anything. But the freedom is what I really miss. I used to think it was because I had a daughter but honestly it’s not. It’s my life suck sucking the life out of me and leaving me hollow.

My Christmas Eve

Fuck where should I start. Ok I had alot of things I needed to do. I had to finish dress for my daughter. Finish gifts for my mother in law. Cook Christmas Eve dinner which was basically Christmas dinner but day before so could do with my dad. I also need to wrap the last of the presents and clean my daughter’s room. This asshole plan was to do nothing and go see a friend. He fucks around and waits till I already put turkey in oven for over two hours and decides he’s got to go now. So I ask him to stop and pick up shit for stocking stuffers. He then tells me I can go if I want it he’s not going to get and if I don’t go not happening. He then tells me I’m shitty Mom for not going. I already know he’s going to be gone at least two hours and I need to start the sides. I can’t fucking leave while I got turkey in oven. Im still doing things for Christmas and this asshole leaves to fuck around. Not only does he wait until the weather turns to shit he also takes my daughter like he’s doing me a favor. Another shit part is he gets her fast food while out. So when they finally get home and dinner is done they don’t eat anything. I’m not being dramatic like they made small plate they ate nothing. Like are you fucking kidding me. I made turkey,gravy, mashed potatoes, broccoli,cheese sauce and stuffing. Me and my dad ate and I thought they would eventually eat something but no ate nothing. Didn’t help me do anything. Not cleaning or putting away the food I made which was most of it because I made alot thinking we would all eat. So now I have most of a twenty pound turkey left and basically 90% of the food I made left. I waited till my daughter was asleep to put out presents I thought he would help but no couldn’t do that either. I asked him to grab a gift card or something from the store for my dad he got nothing. I made his mom four Christmas placemats, two Christmas hanging towels, four more placemats and two towels to match, I also painted some wood ornaments for her and decorated with family photos. Then I also bought her a Nora Flemming salt and pepper set and two ceramic decorations that go with it which was around $60. I don’t have alot of money and I really tried this year to make it a nice Christmas for his mom, him and our daughter. So yeah just another heart breaking day of no appreciation and being alone with people around. Not really looking forward to tomorrow. I splurged and bought myself some perfume I always wanted but didn’t want to spend the money on which is fucked because it was $35. O yeah also got his mom a gift card for restaurant for $50 so yeah really fucked up. Fuck the holidays.