Lame

Yeah my schedule is messed up. Fucking great loved waking up early. Got so much done. Now nothing did some shit yesterday but barley anything in comparison to days woke up early. I’m trying to look at jobs not very limited opportunities when you need to work around a child and someone else schedule. Keep showing jobs far away even when I narrow search. Seen something I would love but then noticed was two hours away. I’ve thought of moving away but two hours I feel is to far and cause more drama and problems. This asshole changed the wifi password so I’m using all my data. At least I have phone before he would just turn off to punish me. My sister talks about us living together I’m contemplating it. But very unsure. I want to get away but I don’t know about living with someone. I don’t want to feel like I have to clean up after everyone or watch someone’s child. It doesn’t matter really for now because I need to get a job and my driver’s license. Yeah I don’t have one actually hard to get when no one is willing to teach you. All my asshole does is scream at me. When we drive he’s very perticular about windows and heat and music so I never touch anything cause he’ll just freak out. So I don’t know where anything is. I can open windows but im not good at remembering wipers or lights. The last time I drove was two months ago when tried getting my driver’s license and failed. Before my test he told me what’s the point your going to fail. So yeah fun. Before that I drove some but not really a lot. He always just ends up screaming at me and I’m not in the mood to deal with that. Yeah that’s the story of how where still together I just don’t do things he doesn’t like so I don’t have to deal with him freaking out. Even know he freaks out about everything.

Ok just to clarify some shit I don’t spell check or pay attention to what I write. I think of shit and just write it down. I also don’t proofread anything which is probably bad but honestly if I did I would never blog anything. Unless I’m upset I don’t really have plan on what I’m going to say. Ok watching TV with my daughter and what the fuck is with kids tv these days really dumbing shit down. New show where kids friend is a garbage truck. Why the hell would they think a kid should play with a garbage truck. Also going to talk shit about curious George fuck I loathe to that fucking monkey. Every fucking time a grown ass adult is suprised a monkey does some stupid shit. It’s a monkey shouldn’t be a pet at all. Is it cause he’s a man he’s got to be so oblivious to dumb shit about to happen. Tired of all these dumbass kids shows showing kids getting into dumbass problems she don’t need anymore fucking ideas. Also must they glorify everything. Everyone has great jobs, live in nice houses in nice areas. Rarely ever see anyone in apartment like way to make me feel even worst about my life. Like fuck man I would love piglets house it’s adorable. Everyone usually has a animal. We had fish they died so tried bird was good until it also died way sadder when bird dies. I fucking cried felt bad about not getting it good last meal. It would of been watermelon he loved watermelon. She been asking for a dog I want a dog too it fucking sucks miss having a dog. I used to be in no dog building but know everyone saying they need emotional support animals every asshole has a dog. Huge fucking dogs that take huge shits everywhere and there owners ignore. My downstairs neighbor has a dog and has to have his patio door open so everyone can hear is fucking dog bark all day and night. Yeah asshole. Such a asshole he non-stop talks shit if he hears other people’s dogs like what. Your fucking dog is annoying. I really don’t understand how that makes sense in his brain. His do barks totally ok other dog barks how fucking dare they. What is the idea behind getting the biggest fucking dog you can get you live in small apartment and don’t walk it. I loved walking my dog. We used to go on like five walks a day. Watching shit about getting dog for Christmas. Already asked over twenty times. Fun times

What the hell

Ok bought something on website said it uses ups. Ok good never have problems with ups but no they ship with fed x and what the shit I always have problems with them. Amazon and ups they fucking scan everything fed x is like asking drunk lazy cousin to do shit. It’s not going to happen and some lame ass excuse. Lost in transit bs someone stole that shit. Like you don’t take random packages to random places. How is shit lost in transit where is it getting lost. There’s not a fucking black hole in the warehouse. Fuck those people who stole my shit cause guess what I order shit no one wants so have fun with my water balloons you ass hat. Also fuck my random neighbors who steal my packages yeah Walmart takes pictures of that shit so I know was delivered. Hope you had fun with my laundry soap, hot glue gun and training wheels you pieces of human garbage. What the fuck you thinking I’m buying dip shits. You think I’m getting gold in the fucking mail we all living in shitty apartment building clearly no one hear is buying anything worth it. On a side bitch fuck you Dell for not putting my fucking computer in an unmarked box. How fucking stupid do you have to be why don’t you just put the fucking price on it also make shit easier for them to resell. Rambling another package stole had kid rain boots, embroidery scissors, kindergarten school supplies,and a dress hope you made big money off that you cock suckers. Eat shit and die yeah still annoyed

Woke up to another shitty day

Woke up after working all day making my daughter pj pants I made her two pair and six pairs for my niece. Was excited to keep working on new things and get yelled at that I’m lazy and he hates my fat ass. Yeah so that’s my morning. Rewatching arrested development to put in better mood. It’s halarious and nice to know not only person with shitty family.

Lovely

Nothing like trying to quitely listen to music when your depressed. Then your asshole in other room blast music he knows you really don’t like. Just lovely. Completely oblivious to how I feel about anything. Again I suck at spelling. Fucking American schools.

Gaslight

I watched a therapist review of the movie tangled and they talked about glaslighting. It was the first time I ever heard of it but when they explained it I was like well shit that’s my relationship. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity. So fucked up but this is exactly what my asshole does. The stupidest thing he is willing to argue and argue about after a certain amount of time I start to think he must be right who is willing to argue so long about something so mundane and insignificant if there wrong. I must be wrong I barely even care. Even before that I always doubt myself and unless I’m like overly sure about something I won’t say anything. I have to be beyond positive to say things out loud. So when he argues so passionately about something I eventually just except I’m wrong. I don’t know how my shit relationship got this far. I use to be very independent I had two jobs I paid all my bills I took bus did what I want and talked to who I wanted to. Now jobless can’t go anywhere without him and he acts like I’m incapable of doing anything without him. He acts like my little brain is too small to deal with day to day life. I hate how when I worked people always thought I was some badass who didn’t take anyone’s shit but most days I was barely getting by trying not to cry. Nothing like getting screamed at while getting dropped off at work that breaks you down. When my daughter was first born I worked and he didn’t the entire time. I let him do whatever he wanted he had to stay home with our daughter so if he wanted to go out everyday as soon as I got home that was fine. I never told him he was worthless or doing shit job. I also never disconnected the internet or didn’t pay for his phone bill. But anytime he does he always acts like it’s justified he would have to if I’d listen. I don’t understand how people justify treating people like shit. Every time I was shitty to someone I felt horrible later and it weighted heavy on my mind. Fuck I over think a lot of shit I done or said for years. Any time I ever said something stupid or hurtful. He says things and a second later forgot what he said. I just feel like I give so much and get nothing but pain. Done for now errrr

Numb life

Feeling lonely again seems to happen more and more. I keep looking to the past and miss it. I don’t know why I miss it. My job was shit my friend was not a good friend and I was stuck just getting by. Now I’m not working which I miss, I have no friends, and im clueless to what to do about my future. So much had changed yet at the same time nothing has. I seem to collect hobbies and things to do but I really don’t have any passions in my life. I feel like I’m in a perpetual state of going through the motions. I watched a tv show about a chick and she met a priest and the way he talks about his faith is amazing. He talks about it and lights up and I know it’s a tv show but this is how some people actually care about it. Other people are passionate about there job or there family. I honestly have nothing in my life like that. Is this just me I love and adore my child but sometimes I want and need to be alone. I really don’t have anything else to be passionate about. I like many things but I don’t have that 100% pure passion for it. I’m more like yeah its ok. I read once that there is a driving force in people that make them want to do things or take chances. I take no chances and am living that numb life. How do people find there passions? Should I just try a bunch of stuff until something sticks. I kinda feel like I could be passionate about a lot of things but being constantly put down and not thought of as anything than less than that I lost my will to give two shits. Are people constantly doing things to keep there faith strong. Im basically rambling about nothing. I wish I was more decisive and had a clue what I want. All I know is I want out of my shit relationship. Peeep peep

I am such a dork

Ever since I started my bs blog ived gotten notifications about likes and people following. Not going to lie at first it was annoying so turned it off on my phone. But I word look at the notifications on my app. It was nice to know people where interested in what I was saying. Not a lot of people but to know there was any one who liked what I had to say was nice. Other day I didn’t get any notifications and how dare you people. I’m kidding but I did have a mini moment where I felt alone again. Made me realize how much I like being able to say what I need to say. I always thought talking about it was bullshit. But it really helps me to write down and talk about all the bullshit I have to deal with on a daily basis. I tried reading some other peoples blog but them talking about how much there husband is there for them made me more depressed. Which is weird cause I do like a show where everything is perfect and there problems are usually like i have to throw party for twenty people in four days. Basically a non problem. I wish I had problems like that instead I get my asshole screams at me makes me feel worthless alone and unable to change anything. It’s easier to watch a dumb tv show cause it’s so rediculously unreal. But reading about an actual real person is hard. Knowing that people have that perfect life where everything isn’t a constant struggle. It’s a reason I don’t like getting rid of things I struggled to get everything I have and hard to just give away something I struggled for. Like my shitty car I hate it he picked it out and I feel like it’s a lemon. The entire time I was afraid that I was going to miss payment and ruin my credit. Or it would be repoed I never missed a payment but the entire time still worried. I live in the country you really need a car to get around. I used to live in the suburbs before I would just walk or take bus car was nice but I really didn’t care. Of course my asshole would also say he’ll call people I have car payment with and tell them I don’t have insurance and it will be repoed. Yeah I’m shit speller. Fuck this is long and I’m rambling. Flicka dicka

Gifts

I hate Christmas. I hate having to go to people’s houses and opening gifts in front of them. I really don’t like opening gifts in front of people I’m not good at looking surprised or hidding the fact I don’t like something. I loathed doing it for baby showers and my daughter first birthday. I’m so glad she can do it herself. She also not good at hidding her dislike of her gifts. Last year her grandma got her clothes she liked most of them but one pair of pants she just looked at them and said “no” and handed them back. I hate buying gifts for people like I don’t know what the fuck to buy you. I told my asshole I didn’t know what to buy his mother I don’t know her she’s a stranger. He got annoyed and said you’ve know her for over five years. Why do people think that just because I know someone means I actually know anything about them. All I know is she hangs out with her sister a lot and that his family treats her shitty. Ok hears example she usually does holidays with her family but they left her out this year incase there kids come. I fucking highly doubt there kids came they never do. It’s like my brother in law my daughter asked what I was going to get him. I honestly wasn’t really planning on getting him anything he’s been in my family 18 years my niece just turned 17 only reason I know. But I don’t really know anything about him. He hangs out with my asshole sometimes and watched his baby yesterday but no don’t know anything about him. I really hate giving gifts I over think the shit about it. I sew and do many crafts but honestly hate giving anything I make to people as gift I feel like never enough. Makes me miss my mom she would just tell you exactly what she wanted. None of this anything is nice bullshit. Ok I know I say the same shit but that’s different I don’t like asking for anything or telling people what I like. Yeah I’m a fucking weirdo I know just feel like it’s so personal makes me feel exposed. I know that’s fucking strange but when you been a loner all your life you learn to keep shit to yourself. I also really don’t want anything I’m trying to declutter my house not get more shit. I’m just tired of shit I never use. I once got a sandwich maker I never used it once felt terrible but I don’t like gagets. I held on to it for three years. I felt bad about not wanting it it’s reason I hate gifts. We went to his mom’s on Thanksgiving and she made two pies they were good but I really don’t like sweets and didn’t want to take any as soon as I sad that I could tell she got really hurt and we end up taking half of the pie. I tried giving to my daughter she doesn’t want and my asshole doesn’t eat leftovers. Yeah isn’t that stupid. I did try eating the turkey it tasted gamey like how does it taste like this. Anyways have to idea what to get people fucking sucks.

Sleep schedule

I cannot get in regular sleep schedule. I don’t know what the hell. Anytime I try to reset my schedule it never works. Other day up all night and day and went to bed around nine I woke up at one like what the hell. Same shit yesterday I tried going to bed later like almost 11 I woke up at three been up since. It sucks being up all night. I can’t make any noise I basically just watch videos on my phone it’s boring. I been trying to sell shit online it is horrible. Even when I try to give shit away for free people just flake out. What is wrong with people I tried to give shit away and had over ten people message me all said would pick up then they flake out. If anyone was offering me something I wanted I would be there. Being up all the time I’ve notice some weird shit about my shitty neighbors. My one nieghbors only ever make noises at three in the morning to fight for hour. My lower neighbor only seems to make noise when he thinks we’re asleep. Like seriously as soon as we get quite he blast very repetitive music like same three notes for an hour. Also in ever hear anyone having sex not like I want to but most of my nieghbors are in relationships. Are people just having silent sex. Like how do you not make any noises. Also people must shower as soon as I get in shower. I took shower other night at three thirty but still someone instantly starting using water. So fuck it Im switching to baths. Now I watch videos in the tub. So suck it water stalkers now I take a hour long bath. It’s fucking awesome.