tired

I’m tired. I’m at my new job but got down time. I’m working 12 hours but I didn’t bring anything to eat. Some times I feel like it would be better if I was alone. When your alone you don’t have the luxury to not go to work. Even when your freaking out on the inside or hate it. You just go cause this is your job and you don’t have an out. I noticed if someone gives me an out I will always take it. I started a different job couple weeks ago. The amount of things wrong with it or bad about it was insane. Ok it’s a place where we take care of people. They were remolding and painting everywhere with the people right there. They regularly were out of basic supplies. Just too many things and it all made me feel uncomfortable about it. This job I feel like it’s a right fit. I’m going to commit to it. I’m going to start making things. I’m going to study. I’m also going to start exercising and getting centered.

What am I doing

I have so many thoughts. So many ideas. I want to plan to do so many things. I’m feeling so down and so unsure of everything. I’m not in the mood to do anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Seems like depression but I’m not even thinking about the future and that’s usually all I think about. My boyfriend is being so amazing and awesome but he’s just getting on my nerves. I don’t know why I just want to be alone. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I try to do thinkmgs like go swimming and I just zone out and end up wanting to go back home to lay in bed. I got a job and it seemed nice and pay was better than last job. But just seemed like red flags in a pretty package. I know it’s dumb but I’m still upset about my other job. I really cared about my residents and am worried about them. I also don’t care because the people I worked under where shit and absolutely didn’t care. I just feel done for a bit in my field. Which kinda sucks because I think I should go to school for it but I don’t know. Should I it kind of sucks. It’s not free schooling. I just don’t know and I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to about things. I probably do but I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about anything.

Where is my mind

Sometimes I wonder where is my mind. I put dates on things today for my job and I put two months ago date. Like wtf what was I thinking. Then later I was thinking of snacking and I randomly thought of something I haven’t ate in years. It’s going to sound gross but saltines with American cheese and mustard. Yeah I know wtf gross but I love it. Then later I thought about when I worked some shitty job and we’re getting free food and I didn’t get good shit I got basic shit because I didn’t want to sound greedy. Like fuck that shit job should of got insane amount of food. It was an ok job but this one guy made me incredibly uncomfortable working there. Always say random shit that creeped me out. He said he looked up my Facebook page. First of all I don’t have one because my dude is insane. Secondly is that normal to look people up on Facebook that you work with. I have no interest in looking my coworkers up on Facebook like shit I don’t care about your holiday pics or the dumb shit you post. Fucking creeped me out. I ended up leaving because he made me so uncomfortable. It honestly took me a while to consider he was harrasing me. I didn’t see the point to say anything. I’m tired and watching some bullshit tv. Might start posting more stuff. I don’t know.

New

I hate being new. Everyone acts like your not there or like your stupid. Sorry I don’t actually know something you’ve never told me. Idk how it was way back when. But every damn job I get no one wants to do any training. They act like you should just figure it out or already know this specific job. Really people.

Mark it

Mark it peeps first poop at my job. Yeah I know I’m weird. But I don’t like pooping at work. I got a lot of weird shit. I don’t like eating in front of strangers. I won’t wear new things around people. I don’t like to talk about things I like unless we are very close. Very close as in we knew each other for years. My last job didn’t know I had children when I worked there for years. I just don’t like sharing information with random people. And idk where this logic came that we work together so we should share our private life umm no you still completely fucking random. Like they so selective with the shit people they hiring. I’ve have people tell me there life store on there first day. Honestly ok bit much considering I forgot your name already. I hate name tags but i need them because I will not remember your name. Maybe if I said it everyday I’d get but if I meet you couple times that shits getting forgotten. I worked with people for years and don’t know there names. If I don’t work with you one on one I won’t know it. Not trying to be rude just really bad at names. Yet I also don’t care. I care about doing my job couldn’t give two shits about the drama that always seems to be happening. Tired rambling on. O also if I don’t know your name I’ll most likely give you nick name relating to way you act or dress. Talking about you raggedy tighty whites grown man wearing underwear falling apart fucking buy some that’s not attractive. Or how about dude who is completely clueless about his job but in his little mind thinks he knows his shit yeah your dumbass. Motherfucker trying to fix a machine with a hammer.

This morning

So far been train wreck. I’m at work and everything is fucking up. Kitchen running with skeleton crew. I mean like barely getting shit out. New people who don’t know about. Everything happening at once. Just overall shit. These are the days that make or break people. Someone was already ready to leave.

Lame

I had some interviews recently and thought they went great. I was really excited about just working again. They were not the best jobs but ok jobs. I haven’t heard anything and I like to pretend o whatever they were shit I don’t care. But shit even they didn’t want me they were stupid easy jobs I could do in my sleep but no not good enough for them. Makes me realize how low my self esteem is when I don’t get a shitty job and I’m crushed. All I keep thinking is what did I do wrong and why I wasn’t good enough. I hate that about myself. It’s worst when I look at who they actually hire. When I worked in a factory and applied for the position above me and they gave it to some dumb guy who barely did anything and his way to do his job was to call someone else. I always feel like I have to prove myself.

Annoyed

Looking into jobs to get away. Then this asshole got to say shit like your just doing this to get away. So then not going to take me to interview. Takes me and then expects sexual shit like fuck my life. Have interview and said I wanted a certain amount they said ok they usually start off at a little lower but I should be able to get you that. I wait two days and he finally gets back says he can get me less then he mentioned like wtf really. Why even act like my price was an option then just say o here’s less than I mentioned. Then he acted like I should be happy about it. He said in 90 days go up to closer to what I wanted. I don’t know if I should take or not. I only went with this place because I wanted job right by were I live and he got shit farther away and less money. Just another time a person just completely ignores what I say.

Errrrrr

Errrrrr. My mind is going non-stop and I need something to distract me until I get a job. So I made huge list of things I want to do and it’s pretty fucking big. At least twenty things on the list and each thing has multiple things to do to finish. Or it’s a long process to do. Waiting for Monday for job interview. Driving me crazy.

Fuck resolutions

Year is almost over all I can think is fuck I’m still with this asshole. I don’t make new years resolutions but always in the back of my mind think not going to be with this asshole life suck much longer. And look about to go on seven fucking years. I never know how the fuck I lasted this long. Some days aren’t that bad other days are agonizingly horrible. I was so hopeful last year after I got my job I loved. I was dreaming about getting my own place and leaving. I would fantasize daily about everything I was going to do. I was going to work overtime or get second job on weekends so I could save up for a house. I was going to change my hair. Start dressing in dresses like I always wanted to. I still tried doing this but when someone calls you fat in pretty dress you really feel low again and don’t want to wear it anymore. I was thinking of getting a dog. I can’t have a cat my daughter is allergic. So was finally going to get us a dog she wants one so bag and so do I. But nothing happened this year is just the same as the last year. I’m lonely depressed and even more hopeless than before.