life again

My stomach hurts. What the who. Feel like I been getting sick alot lately. I got alot of emotions lately also. Feel bunch of anxiety about going to work and just being gone from the house for long. I feel like I’m completely unsure of everything I do. I don’t want to be in the beginning phases of anything I want to feel like a seasoned pro. I been working the days at my job lately and everything is completely different. I feel useless. My relationship is also I don’t know. I think one thing one moment then the next just think the opposite. I’m still unable to open up about everything fully. I zombie out during the day then get all nervous and perinoided during the night stressing about everything. I keep just boredom eating so busy my mind. I’m scared about everything. My future my job my relationship. Should I do this for my career. Is this someone I should think about being with long term. Does everyone feel this unsure about life. Shit I struggle to be sure about what’s for dinner. Sometimes I feel like if I had more options it would be worst. People with less options it sucks but at least it’s clear what to do. I don’t know I’m all over the place. Feel like have the options but also none. Like I’m optimistic but also pessimistic. I feel exhausted yet wired. So much I want to do but also feel pointless. Talking to someone about how easy there problems are because I don’t have any emotions involved then I realize. I have issues solving my problems because I don’t trust myself.

Resentment

One of the things I never thought I would feel is resentment for other people. People who don’t get called a fat ass every single day. People who just get to do things without someone telling them there shit and worthless. Seems like every time I leave the house I’m on the verge of tears. How does someone feel treat someone the way he does then just no even think about it. Scream at me as soon as he wakes up. Then just go to work and talk to people about everyday shit. All the times hes called me names and put me down there was only one time he said he was sorry. I made dinner for his mom’s birthday. Later he got mad call me fatass disgusting loser and dinner was fucking gross. Later he sad sorry that dinner was good. Never said anything else about all the other shit he said. How does someone say such horrible things every single fucking time. One time I was upset and said something about his teeth because he has bad teeth. I instantly felt like shit and lucky he already walked away and didn’t hear me. That was one fucking time to deaf ears. He sinks to the lowest every single time. Today he told me I better not be pregnant because I’m a shit mom. Then he continues if I am I better get a fucking abortion. Seems like every day I’m off I just want to do nothing but sleep so I don’t have to deal with him. He keeps saying I love to play the victim and say everyone treats me like shit. Absolutely not no one treats me like he does. Mostly I’m invisible and I’m mainly ok with that. I’m tired of being treated like shit. All I want to do is have a regular life. Where I don’t have ask permission to do things or get treated like a child when he’s mad. The other day he refused to take me to work. He doesn’t let me use the internet. I did laundry at the laundry mat yesterday and he acted like I was being rediculous because I wanted to take my phone. No I don’t want to sit for hours doing nothing. I want to be able to go through out my day without getting screamed at or belittled. I would like to actually show interest in the things I like and not be worried someone is going to shit talk it and tell me how stupid I am for liking it. He seems to find endless amount of things to insult me with lately it’s been I’m old. Even know he’s older than me he’s been saying shit about me being old. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted. I try to keep the peace but seems like nothing I do is good. Im just tired of trying. Just feel utterly alone.

Why

I been working on something. I started off very excited but idk the farther I get with it the more I hate it. It looks terrible. I hate it but I keep working on it hopping it’s going to turn out ok. I really don’t think I’m going to like it when it’s over. It’s like the second thing I made for myself. I usually make things for other people. But this time I was like fuck everyone else and I’m making something for myself. I keep thinking it will get better then I look at it and I’m like I fucking hate you. I added something special and I still hate it. Im going to finish it and see how I feel. I really don’t think I’ll keep it. I’ll probably take it apart. Idk yet

Errr

I have so many things planned and so many things I want to do. I have some days of so hopefully can get them done. Ever just start something an end up making huge mess. Stuff everywhere some of it done but not all of it. I tried to just finish something but end up seen a laundry list of other things I need to do. I need to organize so bad. My one room is a mess. I got containers for organizing it but idk if I’ll get to it. We can hope.

Fuck resolutions

Year is almost over all I can think is fuck I’m still with this asshole. I don’t make new years resolutions but always in the back of my mind think not going to be with this asshole life suck much longer. And look about to go on seven fucking years. I never know how the fuck I lasted this long. Some days aren’t that bad other days are agonizingly horrible. I was so hopeful last year after I got my job I loved. I was dreaming about getting my own place and leaving. I would fantasize daily about everything I was going to do. I was going to work overtime or get second job on weekends so I could save up for a house. I was going to change my hair. Start dressing in dresses like I always wanted to. I still tried doing this but when someone calls you fat in pretty dress you really feel low again and don’t want to wear it anymore. I was thinking of getting a dog. I can’t have a cat my daughter is allergic. So was finally going to get us a dog she wants one so bag and so do I. But nothing happened this year is just the same as the last year. I’m lonely depressed and even more hopeless than before.

Lame

Yeah my schedule is messed up. Fucking great loved waking up early. Got so much done. Now nothing did some shit yesterday but barley anything in comparison to days woke up early. I’m trying to look at jobs not very limited opportunities when you need to work around a child and someone else schedule. Keep showing jobs far away even when I narrow search. Seen something I would love but then noticed was two hours away. I’ve thought of moving away but two hours I feel is to far and cause more drama and problems. This asshole changed the wifi password so I’m using all my data. At least I have phone before he would just turn off to punish me. My sister talks about us living together I’m contemplating it. But very unsure. I want to get away but I don’t know about living with someone. I don’t want to feel like I have to clean up after everyone or watch someone’s child. It doesn’t matter really for now because I need to get a job and my driver’s license. Yeah I don’t have one actually hard to get when no one is willing to teach you. All my asshole does is scream at me. When we drive he’s very perticular about windows and heat and music so I never touch anything cause he’ll just freak out. So I don’t know where anything is. I can open windows but im not good at remembering wipers or lights. The last time I drove was two months ago when tried getting my driver’s license and failed. Before my test he told me what’s the point your going to fail. So yeah fun. Before that I drove some but not really a lot. He always just ends up screaming at me and I’m not in the mood to deal with that. Yeah that’s the story of how where still together I just don’t do things he doesn’t like so I don’t have to deal with him freaking out. Even know he freaks out about everything.

Ok just to clarify some shit I don’t spell check or pay attention to what I write. I think of shit and just write it down. I also don’t proofread anything which is probably bad but honestly if I did I would never blog anything. Unless I’m upset I don’t really have plan on what I’m going to say. Ok watching TV with my daughter and what the fuck is with kids tv these days really dumbing shit down. New show where kids friend is a garbage truck. Why the hell would they think a kid should play with a garbage truck. Also going to talk shit about curious George fuck I loathe to that fucking monkey. Every fucking time a grown ass adult is suprised a monkey does some stupid shit. It’s a monkey shouldn’t be a pet at all. Is it cause he’s a man he’s got to be so oblivious to dumb shit about to happen. Tired of all these dumbass kids shows showing kids getting into dumbass problems she don’t need anymore fucking ideas. Also must they glorify everything. Everyone has great jobs, live in nice houses in nice areas. Rarely ever see anyone in apartment like way to make me feel even worst about my life. Like fuck man I would love piglets house it’s adorable. Everyone usually has a animal. We had fish they died so tried bird was good until it also died way sadder when bird dies. I fucking cried felt bad about not getting it good last meal. It would of been watermelon he loved watermelon. She been asking for a dog I want a dog too it fucking sucks miss having a dog. I used to be in no dog building but know everyone saying they need emotional support animals every asshole has a dog. Huge fucking dogs that take huge shits everywhere and there owners ignore. My downstairs neighbor has a dog and has to have his patio door open so everyone can hear is fucking dog bark all day and night. Yeah asshole. Such a asshole he non-stop talks shit if he hears other people’s dogs like what. Your fucking dog is annoying. I really don’t understand how that makes sense in his brain. His do barks totally ok other dog barks how fucking dare they. What is the idea behind getting the biggest fucking dog you can get you live in small apartment and don’t walk it. I loved walking my dog. We used to go on like five walks a day. Watching shit about getting dog for Christmas. Already asked over twenty times. Fun times

What the hell

Ok bought something on website said it uses ups. Ok good never have problems with ups but no they ship with fed x and what the shit I always have problems with them. Amazon and ups they fucking scan everything fed x is like asking drunk lazy cousin to do shit. It’s not going to happen and some lame ass excuse. Lost in transit bs someone stole that shit. Like you don’t take random packages to random places. How is shit lost in transit where is it getting lost. There’s not a fucking black hole in the warehouse. Fuck those people who stole my shit cause guess what I order shit no one wants so have fun with my water balloons you ass hat. Also fuck my random neighbors who steal my packages yeah Walmart takes pictures of that shit so I know was delivered. Hope you had fun with my laundry soap, hot glue gun and training wheels you pieces of human garbage. What the fuck you thinking I’m buying dip shits. You think I’m getting gold in the fucking mail we all living in shitty apartment building clearly no one hear is buying anything worth it. On a side bitch fuck you Dell for not putting my fucking computer in an unmarked box. How fucking stupid do you have to be why don’t you just put the fucking price on it also make shit easier for them to resell. Rambling another package stole had kid rain boots, embroidery scissors, kindergarten school supplies,and a dress hope you made big money off that you cock suckers. Eat shit and die yeah still annoyed

Love these

I don’t care how old I get I fucking love these lunchables. I probably will always eat them. There are just some things from your childhood that really stick with you. Food wise this is one of mine. You ever go back to some show you used to watch when you were younger and absolutely hate it. I tried watching Austin Powers and that shit is beyond terrible. Honestly rewatching sex and the city is hard like fuck you Carrie. Go Miranda she’s a badass and love Steve. Even know I usually don’t like people named Steve. I’m a big believer of names usually tell the person character. Like most Nick’s Mike’s are assholes. Brittany is an annoying person. Nicole’s don’t give a shit. Smores are still good but so sweet I can only eat one. I don’t know but lately I been wanting to change things in my life. I thought only little changes for the better but the more I think the more I’m like fuck that I want to change most everything about my life. My car,move,go to school, maybe different state or out of America.

Lovely

Nothing like trying to quitely listen to music when your depressed. Then your asshole in other room blast music he knows you really don’t like. Just lovely. Completely oblivious to how I feel about anything. Again I suck at spelling. Fucking American schools.