Ok what the fuck I’m still fucking awake. Non-stop thinking about fucking everything and anything. So figured my family kinda selfish, asshole is a asshole and inconsiderate, the bs friends I had sucked always. Also fuck my family goes for shitty people. Like we pick shitty people they treat us shitty and we have disappointing life of shitty times. Fuck when I stay up late thinking this is what happens. I fucking over think everything and regret every decision I’ve ever made. I mean I already regret everything but usually I’m not thinking of other shit. Other day I reminded asshole how I don’t want to be with him. As soon I said it I regretted it. Why who fucking knows he treats me like shit and never considers me. Yet I felt bad I should of kept to myself I know I don’t want to be with him I don’t need to shove in his face. I fucking hate it I reget everything and way over think. My dad’s birthday other day and I knew and remembered and seen him but I can’t say happy birthday to him I don’t know it’s too personal and I’m weird about saying shit. If you had birthday when I knew you I remembered but just never said anything cause I didn’t think we were close enough to say shit. Yeah fucking weirdo I know. Was one guy I work with I knew his birthday was coming up was probably only person I ever said happy birthday to without someone else saying it first. I even hugged him and I’m not a hugger. I basically only hug my daughter and nieces and nephews. Miss that guy always talked to me like person. It was nice. I always feel like got shitty life because something I’ve done. To be continued……
Tag: loner
Gaslight
I watched a therapist review of the movie tangled and they talked about glaslighting. It was the first time I ever heard of it but when they explained it I was like well shit that’s my relationship. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity. So fucked up but this is exactly what my asshole does. The stupidest thing he is willing to argue and argue about after a certain amount of time I start to think he must be right who is willing to argue so long about something so mundane and insignificant if there wrong. I must be wrong I barely even care. Even before that I always doubt myself and unless I’m like overly sure about something I won’t say anything. I have to be beyond positive to say things out loud. So when he argues so passionately about something I eventually just except I’m wrong. I don’t know how my shit relationship got this far. I use to be very independent I had two jobs I paid all my bills I took bus did what I want and talked to who I wanted to. Now jobless can’t go anywhere without him and he acts like I’m incapable of doing anything without him. He acts like my little brain is too small to deal with day to day life. I hate how when I worked people always thought I was some badass who didn’t take anyone’s shit but most days I was barely getting by trying not to cry. Nothing like getting screamed at while getting dropped off at work that breaks you down. When my daughter was first born I worked and he didn’t the entire time. I let him do whatever he wanted he had to stay home with our daughter so if he wanted to go out everyday as soon as I got home that was fine. I never told him he was worthless or doing shit job. I also never disconnected the internet or didn’t pay for his phone bill. But anytime he does he always acts like it’s justified he would have to if I’d listen. I don’t understand how people justify treating people like shit. Every time I was shitty to someone I felt horrible later and it weighted heavy on my mind. Fuck I over think a lot of shit I done or said for years. Any time I ever said something stupid or hurtful. He says things and a second later forgot what he said. I just feel like I give so much and get nothing but pain. Done for now errrr
I am such a dork
Ever since I started my bs blog ived gotten notifications about likes and people following. Not going to lie at first it was annoying so turned it off on my phone. But I word look at the notifications on my app. It was nice to know people where interested in what I was saying. Not a lot of people but to know there was any one who liked what I had to say was nice. Other day I didn’t get any notifications and how dare you people. I’m kidding but I did have a mini moment where I felt alone again. Made me realize how much I like being able to say what I need to say. I always thought talking about it was bullshit. But it really helps me to write down and talk about all the bullshit I have to deal with on a daily basis. I tried reading some other peoples blog but them talking about how much there husband is there for them made me more depressed. Which is weird cause I do like a show where everything is perfect and there problems are usually like i have to throw party for twenty people in four days. Basically a non problem. I wish I had problems like that instead I get my asshole screams at me makes me feel worthless alone and unable to change anything. It’s easier to watch a dumb tv show cause it’s so rediculously unreal. But reading about an actual real person is hard. Knowing that people have that perfect life where everything isn’t a constant struggle. It’s a reason I don’t like getting rid of things I struggled to get everything I have and hard to just give away something I struggled for. Like my shitty car I hate it he picked it out and I feel like it’s a lemon. The entire time I was afraid that I was going to miss payment and ruin my credit. Or it would be repoed I never missed a payment but the entire time still worried. I live in the country you really need a car to get around. I used to live in the suburbs before I would just walk or take bus car was nice but I really didn’t care. Of course my asshole would also say he’ll call people I have car payment with and tell them I don’t have insurance and it will be repoed. Yeah I’m shit speller. Fuck this is long and I’m rambling. Flicka dicka
Sleep schedule
I cannot get in regular sleep schedule. I don’t know what the hell. Anytime I try to reset my schedule it never works. Other day up all night and day and went to bed around nine I woke up at one like what the hell. Same shit yesterday I tried going to bed later like almost 11 I woke up at three been up since. It sucks being up all night. I can’t make any noise I basically just watch videos on my phone it’s boring. I been trying to sell shit online it is horrible. Even when I try to give shit away for free people just flake out. What is wrong with people I tried to give shit away and had over ten people message me all said would pick up then they flake out. If anyone was offering me something I wanted I would be there. Being up all the time I’ve notice some weird shit about my shitty neighbors. My one nieghbors only ever make noises at three in the morning to fight for hour. My lower neighbor only seems to make noise when he thinks we’re asleep. Like seriously as soon as we get quite he blast very repetitive music like same three notes for an hour. Also in ever hear anyone having sex not like I want to but most of my nieghbors are in relationships. Are people just having silent sex. Like how do you not make any noises. Also people must shower as soon as I get in shower. I took shower other night at three thirty but still someone instantly starting using water. So fuck it Im switching to baths. Now I watch videos in the tub. So suck it water stalkers now I take a hour long bath. It’s fucking awesome.
Talking
One of the shitty things about my life how completely fucking alone I feel always. I know I am a loner by heart but any of the times I ever tried to talk to someone I always 100% regretted it. First time my asshole came screaming to my job made huge scene was very embarrassed,ashamed and upset. I’m a very private person I don’t like to share anything. He’ll I’ve worked with people for months and they never knew my name. I like to keep work and life completely separate. Like Ived have people who would call me there work wife but they didn’t know anything about me. Anyways back to bull he screamed at me screamed at my pregnant boss. Everyone acted very supportive and concerned. The next day completely different everyone completely ignored me,made sure not to talk to me and had shit ton o work waiting for me when I got there. Was like that till I quit. Next time I tried to talk to someone about it they acted very nice and supportive. Then pretty much walked away and made fun of me and talked a bunch of shit. So don’t really talk about it with people anymore. Better off less drama well at work anyway. Always felt like people looked down on me when they knew. I rather them know nothing. Woo fun times
Side note I don’t know about the titles like always seem stupid. It’s much more like a diary people can read. Well me it is.
Let the whining beginning
It wouldn’t be life with an asshole if he didn’t constantly wake up with a bitchy aditude. First thing he wakes up flips out about some stupid shit I tried opossuming it didn’t work. Like always this asshole is relentless and willing to endlessly argue about the most mundane igsnificate thing. It’s never good to respond because he with twist anything you say and then harp on it for an hour. I tried different tactics I tried reasoning no didn’t work. I tried explaining no still didn’t work just harps on that bullshit. I tried ignoring no this bat shit crazy asshole with just argue with himself. Like he’s actually talking to me. He gets really into to it. Got to do his mocking voice and imitating me. Then he gets loud and then quite cause he’s not yelling. He also gets really close in you face you don’t even need to respond cause he’s just going to yell and basically spit on you. Yeah shake my head. Couple times I even agreed with whatever he was saying he just yelled as much. The effort he puts into having an argument is insane. Then when he’s done he acts like everything is fine. Like I don’t have fucking amnesia you asshole. I still don’t want to be by you. The only thing that’s gotten better is he use to bring up shit from years ago like I just fucking did it like really. Dealing with him makes me exhausted. Sometimes I just go to sleep because my dreams are better than my life. Real fucked up. Ok rant complete I made crepes.

Silver foxes

I was watching something with my daughter and it had a silver fox in it. The man was cute when he was younger but now he’s sexy as hell. As I get older and older the more I like silver foxes. Yeah men in there mid twenties are cute but I don’t really consider them sexy. I really don’t care about body as long as no beer belly. I love a silver fox. Even know there very hard to see in the wild. I can still hope. Here are some famous silver foxes.

Another thing I’m liking is facial hair. In my twenties I was fuck no shave that shit you lumberjack. Now I’m like yeah sexy hairy beast. WARNING OVERLY TRUE STORY. Ok I was at my job and it was no shave November and this one guy walking around looking real good facial hair and weirdest shit popped into my mind. I thought about liking chili off his facial hair. Yes fucking chili like what the fuck. Like why chili it’s like the least sexy food. Fucking chili been years I’m still like why girl why.

This weird shit men are doing were there trying to look like lumberjack bikers is not hot look rediculous. Think it’s called lumbersexual. So stupid totally not my thing but you dudes do you. Also most o these men wear insanely tight pants and have a bit of a belly. I randomly see these in the wild and pants too tight no room for nothing. Like none. Must be tiny.

Feel like this shit is mark of a asshole
Plans

Fucking no point for me to make plans ever. I can ass my asshole if he planning on doing anything he just says no nothing at all. Ok I’m going to take bath, clean and sew. Yeah I’m weird I like getting clean to clean I don’t get it either but gets me in mood. I take bath then all the sudden he says lets go get food. Ok let’s go we go as getting food says I got to go get my check. Ok do that been an fucking hour. Now he wants to go pickup his jacket he left at friends. Ok fine we’ll do that since we’re fifteen minutes away. So we go he goes in he’s inside for over thirty minutes while I wait in the car. Just picking up a jacket. Then he cons me into going to his other friends house so he can check out his boat. His friends are shitty not surprising assholes travel in packs. Ok end up staying at his friends house where they completely ignore the fact they have two kids and it’s basically me only one around the kids. So about six hours later finally getting home. I don’t get to do what I planned on doing I basically just sat waiting for someone all day. This shit happens all the time. When I don’t want to go he’ll complain for legit fucking hours. If I still won’t go he’ll put off till I will go. The man acts like he can’t do shit unless I’m there. Its been years and still don’t get this shit. I usually rather do shit by myself. Fucking people end of rant


Mystery monolith
Ok ok I got to talk about this shit. Do I feel like it’s out of this world not really. Honestly I feel like it’s just some random shit someone did. Ok I like to keep to myself. I’m a huge introvert and most of my jobs I worked alone at monotonous jobs. But I was never board want to know why well first I’m always got some shit in my mind to think about or plan. Second I would do things that humored me. One being fucking with random people. Ok I worked in a factory and we pretty much had a constant rotation of new people coming in. In my area there was various machines and not many people knew much about them because if anything happened right away they would send brand new person to fix machine they never seen alone. So I made labels that matched the rest of the machine and took some knobs off a machine being dismantled and I glued the knobs on in random places on the machine and put lables that said shit like air pressure or electric current regulator. It was a machine that didn’t need air and I just made up the other shit. So anytime a new person came to fix it they would be trying to turn knob and trying to find in book. Yeah I’m a bitch but it was funny two new guys not willing to ask anyone about shit they didn’t know about so they just try turning a glued on knob. I didn’t do it to be mean or brag about cause honestly don’t care about others opinions but I thought that shit was fucking halarious. Another person I use to fuck with ok fucked with him cause he was a narcissist. He had a tool box he would leave unlocked every day I would mess with his drawers and rearrange everything. For like two months everyday he would get so pissed. Honestly was going to do only once but fuck his reaction was priceless I did it everyday. Fuck you nick. That shit was funny.
Another depressing day
Another wonderful morning. Really hard to be sarcastic bitch when your crying. My asshole again was in a mood. Like a lot of times I pretended to be alseep so not have to deal with him. Clearly didn’t fucking work he spent what felt like hour breaking me down. What kind of woman am i. What kind of mom am I. What kind of girlfriend am i. The usual soul crushing demeaning talk. Couldn’t hold back my tears today. Hate it makes me feel like even more of a failure for crying in front of him. I felt my beyond alone helpless feeling I feel when he tears me down. Make me feel less than nothing. While I cried into my pillow as he torn me down I thought about giving away all my things selling the car I bought and only he drives for barely anything and leaving. But like always he loves to remind me I have no where to go. I tried my sister’s once fuck that sucked. Being told your a dumbass for staying with someone. Feeling like a failure because you couldn’t get your shitty relationship to work. Yeah I felt like failure. Then the asshole you tried to leave say just come back I’ll move out which of course he probably had no intention of doing. Then covid happen and you don’t have a job anymore. He was an asshole then but at least I had job I could go to everyday and just work. And I worked with no one so he finally couldn’t accuse me of cheating and withhold taking me to work. It was nice to get away from him. Its hard to want to do anything when he’s around always putting me down. I use to wonder how the fuck I got into such a shit relationship. I’ve always know it cause I was desperate never could admit it before but yeah. I just wanted someone that wanted me. 😭 I fucking hate emojis I never know wtf it is. But I guess that one cuts the seriousness of the shit going on.
Just got message he wants to know why we don’t ever do it anymore. Fucking wonder like seriously.