life again

My stomach hurts. What the who. Feel like I been getting sick alot lately. I got alot of emotions lately also. Feel bunch of anxiety about going to work and just being gone from the house for long. I feel like I’m completely unsure of everything I do. I don’t want to be in the beginning phases of anything I want to feel like a seasoned pro. I been working the days at my job lately and everything is completely different. I feel useless. My relationship is also I don’t know. I think one thing one moment then the next just think the opposite. I’m still unable to open up about everything fully. I zombie out during the day then get all nervous and perinoided during the night stressing about everything. I keep just boredom eating so busy my mind. I’m scared about everything. My future my job my relationship. Should I do this for my career. Is this someone I should think about being with long term. Does everyone feel this unsure about life. Shit I struggle to be sure about what’s for dinner. Sometimes I feel like if I had more options it would be worst. People with less options it sucks but at least it’s clear what to do. I don’t know I’m all over the place. Feel like have the options but also none. Like I’m optimistic but also pessimistic. I feel exhausted yet wired. So much I want to do but also feel pointless. Talking to someone about how easy there problems are because I don’t have any emotions involved then I realize. I have issues solving my problems because I don’t trust myself.

Bullshit in movies

ok I legit watch the same movies again and again. Right now been watching how Harry met Sally. I got to call bullshit on one thing. It is utter bullshit that they slept together. There is no such thing as accidentally having sex. I’ve had alot of sex I shouldn’t of have but it wasn’t an accident. Like fuck his dick didn’t fall into my mouth or my vagina. Yes while it was happening I was most likely thinking what are you doing girl. But I like sex it’s fun I always get off. Moving on.

On breakfast at Tiffany’s Holly says she has no other options and needs to marry Rusty Trawler bitch get a job like apparently not even an option. Or just date men who have nice jobs but not rich. No she only can take rich men.

Fudge my mind is on this guy again. I’m tired of waiting and I feel like something is going to happen to mess everything up. I’m nervous about everything. I keep getting the feeling that if it ever went anywhere he would end up finding someone else and just leave randomly with a note or a text saying it’s not working out and he found someone else. I don’t know why because I feel like he’s great. Sweet, kind, caring, sexy smile, and goofy. He also isn’t sensitive about his man hood. Like he knows who he is and things people say don’t effect him. I got upset and he was upset that I was upset it was so different from what I had before. But I still don’t know how to take him. He seems like he wants to be serious but then says things that contradict it. Moving on once again.

I finally hung up something in my apartment. I painted the walls but I haven’t hung anything up. I hung up a lion blanket that was my mother’s. She always had it hung up wherever we lived. I had to get creative and used paperclips to hang it on nails. I have alot of art work at my exes but honestly just feel like starting new here. Just leave everything in my past that I didn’t like and become the person I’ve always wanted to be. There’s lots that I’ll keep. Like I love the fact I love unconditionally. I never want to change that. I need to stop doing things for people who treat me like shit or are just too lazy to do for themselves. Need to get up and do some things so ending here on a random thought. If I ever do find someone I want to marry. I want to propose and I’ll change my last name then not to his but to something else we think of. Yeah I like that idea.

saboteur

Pretty fucking sure I self sabotage any potential relationships. I absolutely don’t trust people. But then again should I. Basically a fucking stranger. Am I just supposed to basically trust a stranger. Am I supposed to build trust. People lie and hide things for a long time. I want to believe people when they tell me things. But then I think why the hell would I. I was having a good night the other night then someone randomly messaged and said some off the wall shit. Then not even twenty minutes later someone else tells me some off the wall shit. Ok yes one was my ex and he never seems to be finished trying to hurt me. And yes I’m going to make an excuse for the other one he was drunk. Apparently wasted but either way the fuck. Just feel like people have no respect for me. What am I doing that people don’t give a shit about me. Random I think I’m done with people talking to me like shit. Especially on the fucking guise of a joke. Fuck that shit. I deserve more than that. Yes maybe I’m a little messy and not good at finishing one thing before I go on to another. But I know I’m kinda great. Especially in a relationship. I’m a person that gives all I can, loves unconditionally, and constantly tries to make the person I’m with happy. I’m done fucking around so post this random shit.

Mark it

Mark it peeps first poop at my job. Yeah I know I’m weird. But I don’t like pooping at work. I got a lot of weird shit. I don’t like eating in front of strangers. I won’t wear new things around people. I don’t like to talk about things I like unless we are very close. Very close as in we knew each other for years. My last job didn’t know I had children when I worked there for years. I just don’t like sharing information with random people. And idk where this logic came that we work together so we should share our private life umm no you still completely fucking random. Like they so selective with the shit people they hiring. I’ve have people tell me there life store on there first day. Honestly ok bit much considering I forgot your name already. I hate name tags but i need them because I will not remember your name. Maybe if I said it everyday I’d get but if I meet you couple times that shits getting forgotten. I worked with people for years and don’t know there names. If I don’t work with you one on one I won’t know it. Not trying to be rude just really bad at names. Yet I also don’t care. I care about doing my job couldn’t give two shits about the drama that always seems to be happening. Tired rambling on. O also if I don’t know your name I’ll most likely give you nick name relating to way you act or dress. Talking about you raggedy tighty whites grown man wearing underwear falling apart fucking buy some that’s not attractive. Or how about dude who is completely clueless about his job but in his little mind thinks he knows his shit yeah your dumbass. Motherfucker trying to fix a machine with a hammer.

Getting things started

Why is it getting started so annoying long. What happened to the times where you wanted to do something like go to school or get job you basically just had to walk in the door. Getting a job is making a resume no one’s going to look at. Applying to a hundred places and maybe get three call backs. Where they ask you about your resume they clearly didn’t read. Then put down all of your experience and act like your a horrible person for leaving a shit job. Or good forbid you leave without giving notice. That’s bullshit I was getting harassed and told management and they acted like I was being dramatic so I quit that. or another job just telling me I’m going to get a promotion and dick me around for months then randomly give it to someone else after I was basically doing the job. They don’t deserve notice. Another thing is so many places act like we should be insanely loyal to some shit place constantly screwing there employees. Fuck you think I have to be loyal to do my job properly. Get the fuck out of here.

Gaslight

I watched a therapist review of the movie tangled and they talked about glaslighting. It was the first time I ever heard of it but when they explained it I was like well shit that’s my relationship. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity. So fucked up but this is exactly what my asshole does. The stupidest thing he is willing to argue and argue about after a certain amount of time I start to think he must be right who is willing to argue so long about something so mundane and insignificant if there wrong. I must be wrong I barely even care. Even before that I always doubt myself and unless I’m like overly sure about something I won’t say anything. I have to be beyond positive to say things out loud. So when he argues so passionately about something I eventually just except I’m wrong. I don’t know how my shit relationship got this far. I use to be very independent I had two jobs I paid all my bills I took bus did what I want and talked to who I wanted to. Now jobless can’t go anywhere without him and he acts like I’m incapable of doing anything without him. He acts like my little brain is too small to deal with day to day life. I hate how when I worked people always thought I was some badass who didn’t take anyone’s shit but most days I was barely getting by trying not to cry. Nothing like getting screamed at while getting dropped off at work that breaks you down. When my daughter was first born I worked and he didn’t the entire time. I let him do whatever he wanted he had to stay home with our daughter so if he wanted to go out everyday as soon as I got home that was fine. I never told him he was worthless or doing shit job. I also never disconnected the internet or didn’t pay for his phone bill. But anytime he does he always acts like it’s justified he would have to if I’d listen. I don’t understand how people justify treating people like shit. Every time I was shitty to someone I felt horrible later and it weighted heavy on my mind. Fuck I over think a lot of shit I done or said for years. Any time I ever said something stupid or hurtful. He says things and a second later forgot what he said. I just feel like I give so much and get nothing but pain. Done for now errrr

I am such a dork

Ever since I started my bs blog ived gotten notifications about likes and people following. Not going to lie at first it was annoying so turned it off on my phone. But I word look at the notifications on my app. It was nice to know people where interested in what I was saying. Not a lot of people but to know there was any one who liked what I had to say was nice. Other day I didn’t get any notifications and how dare you people. I’m kidding but I did have a mini moment where I felt alone again. Made me realize how much I like being able to say what I need to say. I always thought talking about it was bullshit. But it really helps me to write down and talk about all the bullshit I have to deal with on a daily basis. I tried reading some other peoples blog but them talking about how much there husband is there for them made me more depressed. Which is weird cause I do like a show where everything is perfect and there problems are usually like i have to throw party for twenty people in four days. Basically a non problem. I wish I had problems like that instead I get my asshole screams at me makes me feel worthless alone and unable to change anything. It’s easier to watch a dumb tv show cause it’s so rediculously unreal. But reading about an actual real person is hard. Knowing that people have that perfect life where everything isn’t a constant struggle. It’s a reason I don’t like getting rid of things I struggled to get everything I have and hard to just give away something I struggled for. Like my shitty car I hate it he picked it out and I feel like it’s a lemon. The entire time I was afraid that I was going to miss payment and ruin my credit. Or it would be repoed I never missed a payment but the entire time still worried. I live in the country you really need a car to get around. I used to live in the suburbs before I would just walk or take bus car was nice but I really didn’t care. Of course my asshole would also say he’ll call people I have car payment with and tell them I don’t have insurance and it will be repoed. Yeah I’m shit speller. Fuck this is long and I’m rambling. Flicka dicka

Gifts

I hate Christmas. I hate having to go to people’s houses and opening gifts in front of them. I really don’t like opening gifts in front of people I’m not good at looking surprised or hidding the fact I don’t like something. I loathed doing it for baby showers and my daughter first birthday. I’m so glad she can do it herself. She also not good at hidding her dislike of her gifts. Last year her grandma got her clothes she liked most of them but one pair of pants she just looked at them and said “no” and handed them back. I hate buying gifts for people like I don’t know what the fuck to buy you. I told my asshole I didn’t know what to buy his mother I don’t know her she’s a stranger. He got annoyed and said you’ve know her for over five years. Why do people think that just because I know someone means I actually know anything about them. All I know is she hangs out with her sister a lot and that his family treats her shitty. Ok hears example she usually does holidays with her family but they left her out this year incase there kids come. I fucking highly doubt there kids came they never do. It’s like my brother in law my daughter asked what I was going to get him. I honestly wasn’t really planning on getting him anything he’s been in my family 18 years my niece just turned 17 only reason I know. But I don’t really know anything about him. He hangs out with my asshole sometimes and watched his baby yesterday but no don’t know anything about him. I really hate giving gifts I over think the shit about it. I sew and do many crafts but honestly hate giving anything I make to people as gift I feel like never enough. Makes me miss my mom she would just tell you exactly what she wanted. None of this anything is nice bullshit. Ok I know I say the same shit but that’s different I don’t like asking for anything or telling people what I like. Yeah I’m a fucking weirdo I know just feel like it’s so personal makes me feel exposed. I know that’s fucking strange but when you been a loner all your life you learn to keep shit to yourself. I also really don’t want anything I’m trying to declutter my house not get more shit. I’m just tired of shit I never use. I once got a sandwich maker I never used it once felt terrible but I don’t like gagets. I held on to it for three years. I felt bad about not wanting it it’s reason I hate gifts. We went to his mom’s on Thanksgiving and she made two pies they were good but I really don’t like sweets and didn’t want to take any as soon as I sad that I could tell she got really hurt and we end up taking half of the pie. I tried giving to my daughter she doesn’t want and my asshole doesn’t eat leftovers. Yeah isn’t that stupid. I did try eating the turkey it tasted gamey like how does it taste like this. Anyways have to idea what to get people fucking sucks.

Sleep schedule

I cannot get in regular sleep schedule. I don’t know what the hell. Anytime I try to reset my schedule it never works. Other day up all night and day and went to bed around nine I woke up at one like what the hell. Same shit yesterday I tried going to bed later like almost 11 I woke up at three been up since. It sucks being up all night. I can’t make any noise I basically just watch videos on my phone it’s boring. I been trying to sell shit online it is horrible. Even when I try to give shit away for free people just flake out. What is wrong with people I tried to give shit away and had over ten people message me all said would pick up then they flake out. If anyone was offering me something I wanted I would be there. Being up all the time I’ve notice some weird shit about my shitty neighbors. My one nieghbors only ever make noises at three in the morning to fight for hour. My lower neighbor only seems to make noise when he thinks we’re asleep. Like seriously as soon as we get quite he blast very repetitive music like same three notes for an hour. Also in ever hear anyone having sex not like I want to but most of my nieghbors are in relationships. Are people just having silent sex. Like how do you not make any noises. Also people must shower as soon as I get in shower. I took shower other night at three thirty but still someone instantly starting using water. So fuck it Im switching to baths. Now I watch videos in the tub. So suck it water stalkers now I take a hour long bath. It’s fucking awesome.

Talking

One of the shitty things about my life how completely fucking alone I feel always. I know I am a loner by heart but any of the times I ever tried to talk to someone I always 100% regretted it. First time my asshole came screaming to my job made huge scene was very embarrassed,ashamed and upset. I’m a very private person I don’t like to share anything. He’ll I’ve worked with people for months and they never knew my name. I like to keep work and life completely separate. Like Ived have people who would call me there work wife but they didn’t know anything about me. Anyways back to bull he screamed at me screamed at my pregnant boss. Everyone acted very supportive and concerned. The next day completely different everyone completely ignored me,made sure not to talk to me and had shit ton o work waiting for me when I got there. Was like that till I quit. Next time I tried to talk to someone about it they acted very nice and supportive. Then pretty much walked away and made fun of me and talked a bunch of shit. So don’t really talk about it with people anymore. Better off less drama well at work anyway. Always felt like people looked down on me when they knew. I rather them know nothing. Woo fun times

Side note I don’t know about the titles like always seem stupid. It’s much more like a diary people can read. Well me it is.