Why the fuck am I thinking about a shitty guy. Ok let’s start I find him very attractive. He has hairy chest, smells amazing, has these intense eyes that make me horny, and slaps my ass like a beast. Ok here come the laundry list of red flags. The dude is a straight asshole, he doesn’t really show any interest in me, never wants to hangout, he drives like shit, likes Trump, semi racist kinda, calls women females like the fuck, he is a terrible kisser, he’s not very good in bed. He’s not terrible but was definitely not really satisfied afterwards. I mean I got off but just once. O and he acted like everything I did was the weirdest shit ever. Seriously everything I did. Me laughing alot me wanting him me liking taking pics of him. Why the fuck am I hung up on another asshole. Seriously. I thought I wanted to be alone but I honestly don’t I want to be in a relationship where I feel loved. I would also love some respect. Jesus shit you think that would be obvious but it’s not. I get little to no respect. I’m so done being nice and caring about people. Fuck that all it got me was hurt and thrown away. I’m going to be selfish and distant. Fuck this shit. Why fucking pretend to care. It’s fucking bullshit.
Tag: sad
Gaslight
I watched a therapist review of the movie tangled and they talked about glaslighting. It was the first time I ever heard of it but when they explained it I was like well shit that’s my relationship. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity. So fucked up but this is exactly what my asshole does. The stupidest thing he is willing to argue and argue about after a certain amount of time I start to think he must be right who is willing to argue so long about something so mundane and insignificant if there wrong. I must be wrong I barely even care. Even before that I always doubt myself and unless I’m like overly sure about something I won’t say anything. I have to be beyond positive to say things out loud. So when he argues so passionately about something I eventually just except I’m wrong. I don’t know how my shit relationship got this far. I use to be very independent I had two jobs I paid all my bills I took bus did what I want and talked to who I wanted to. Now jobless can’t go anywhere without him and he acts like I’m incapable of doing anything without him. He acts like my little brain is too small to deal with day to day life. I hate how when I worked people always thought I was some badass who didn’t take anyone’s shit but most days I was barely getting by trying not to cry. Nothing like getting screamed at while getting dropped off at work that breaks you down. When my daughter was first born I worked and he didn’t the entire time. I let him do whatever he wanted he had to stay home with our daughter so if he wanted to go out everyday as soon as I got home that was fine. I never told him he was worthless or doing shit job. I also never disconnected the internet or didn’t pay for his phone bill. But anytime he does he always acts like it’s justified he would have to if I’d listen. I don’t understand how people justify treating people like shit. Every time I was shitty to someone I felt horrible later and it weighted heavy on my mind. Fuck I over think a lot of shit I done or said for years. Any time I ever said something stupid or hurtful. He says things and a second later forgot what he said. I just feel like I give so much and get nothing but pain. Done for now errrr
I am such a dork
Ever since I started my bs blog ived gotten notifications about likes and people following. Not going to lie at first it was annoying so turned it off on my phone. But I word look at the notifications on my app. It was nice to know people where interested in what I was saying. Not a lot of people but to know there was any one who liked what I had to say was nice. Other day I didn’t get any notifications and how dare you people. I’m kidding but I did have a mini moment where I felt alone again. Made me realize how much I like being able to say what I need to say. I always thought talking about it was bullshit. But it really helps me to write down and talk about all the bullshit I have to deal with on a daily basis. I tried reading some other peoples blog but them talking about how much there husband is there for them made me more depressed. Which is weird cause I do like a show where everything is perfect and there problems are usually like i have to throw party for twenty people in four days. Basically a non problem. I wish I had problems like that instead I get my asshole screams at me makes me feel worthless alone and unable to change anything. It’s easier to watch a dumb tv show cause it’s so rediculously unreal. But reading about an actual real person is hard. Knowing that people have that perfect life where everything isn’t a constant struggle. It’s a reason I don’t like getting rid of things I struggled to get everything I have and hard to just give away something I struggled for. Like my shitty car I hate it he picked it out and I feel like it’s a lemon. The entire time I was afraid that I was going to miss payment and ruin my credit. Or it would be repoed I never missed a payment but the entire time still worried. I live in the country you really need a car to get around. I used to live in the suburbs before I would just walk or take bus car was nice but I really didn’t care. Of course my asshole would also say he’ll call people I have car payment with and tell them I don’t have insurance and it will be repoed. Yeah I’m shit speller. Fuck this is long and I’m rambling. Flicka dicka
Gifts
I hate Christmas. I hate having to go to people’s houses and opening gifts in front of them. I really don’t like opening gifts in front of people I’m not good at looking surprised or hidding the fact I don’t like something. I loathed doing it for baby showers and my daughter first birthday. I’m so glad she can do it herself. She also not good at hidding her dislike of her gifts. Last year her grandma got her clothes she liked most of them but one pair of pants she just looked at them and said “no” and handed them back. I hate buying gifts for people like I don’t know what the fuck to buy you. I told my asshole I didn’t know what to buy his mother I don’t know her she’s a stranger. He got annoyed and said you’ve know her for over five years. Why do people think that just because I know someone means I actually know anything about them. All I know is she hangs out with her sister a lot and that his family treats her shitty. Ok hears example she usually does holidays with her family but they left her out this year incase there kids come. I fucking highly doubt there kids came they never do. It’s like my brother in law my daughter asked what I was going to get him. I honestly wasn’t really planning on getting him anything he’s been in my family 18 years my niece just turned 17 only reason I know. But I don’t really know anything about him. He hangs out with my asshole sometimes and watched his baby yesterday but no don’t know anything about him. I really hate giving gifts I over think the shit about it. I sew and do many crafts but honestly hate giving anything I make to people as gift I feel like never enough. Makes me miss my mom she would just tell you exactly what she wanted. None of this anything is nice bullshit. Ok I know I say the same shit but that’s different I don’t like asking for anything or telling people what I like. Yeah I’m a fucking weirdo I know just feel like it’s so personal makes me feel exposed. I know that’s fucking strange but when you been a loner all your life you learn to keep shit to yourself. I also really don’t want anything I’m trying to declutter my house not get more shit. I’m just tired of shit I never use. I once got a sandwich maker I never used it once felt terrible but I don’t like gagets. I held on to it for three years. I felt bad about not wanting it it’s reason I hate gifts. We went to his mom’s on Thanksgiving and she made two pies they were good but I really don’t like sweets and didn’t want to take any as soon as I sad that I could tell she got really hurt and we end up taking half of the pie. I tried giving to my daughter she doesn’t want and my asshole doesn’t eat leftovers. Yeah isn’t that stupid. I did try eating the turkey it tasted gamey like how does it taste like this. Anyways have to idea what to get people fucking sucks.
Sleep schedule
I cannot get in regular sleep schedule. I don’t know what the hell. Anytime I try to reset my schedule it never works. Other day up all night and day and went to bed around nine I woke up at one like what the hell. Same shit yesterday I tried going to bed later like almost 11 I woke up at three been up since. It sucks being up all night. I can’t make any noise I basically just watch videos on my phone it’s boring. I been trying to sell shit online it is horrible. Even when I try to give shit away for free people just flake out. What is wrong with people I tried to give shit away and had over ten people message me all said would pick up then they flake out. If anyone was offering me something I wanted I would be there. Being up all the time I’ve notice some weird shit about my shitty neighbors. My one nieghbors only ever make noises at three in the morning to fight for hour. My lower neighbor only seems to make noise when he thinks we’re asleep. Like seriously as soon as we get quite he blast very repetitive music like same three notes for an hour. Also in ever hear anyone having sex not like I want to but most of my nieghbors are in relationships. Are people just having silent sex. Like how do you not make any noises. Also people must shower as soon as I get in shower. I took shower other night at three thirty but still someone instantly starting using water. So fuck it Im switching to baths. Now I watch videos in the tub. So suck it water stalkers now I take a hour long bath. It’s fucking awesome.
Talking
One of the shitty things about my life how completely fucking alone I feel always. I know I am a loner by heart but any of the times I ever tried to talk to someone I always 100% regretted it. First time my asshole came screaming to my job made huge scene was very embarrassed,ashamed and upset. I’m a very private person I don’t like to share anything. He’ll I’ve worked with people for months and they never knew my name. I like to keep work and life completely separate. Like Ived have people who would call me there work wife but they didn’t know anything about me. Anyways back to bull he screamed at me screamed at my pregnant boss. Everyone acted very supportive and concerned. The next day completely different everyone completely ignored me,made sure not to talk to me and had shit ton o work waiting for me when I got there. Was like that till I quit. Next time I tried to talk to someone about it they acted very nice and supportive. Then pretty much walked away and made fun of me and talked a bunch of shit. So don’t really talk about it with people anymore. Better off less drama well at work anyway. Always felt like people looked down on me when they knew. I rather them know nothing. Woo fun times
Side note I don’t know about the titles like always seem stupid. It’s much more like a diary people can read. Well me it is.
Plans
Fucking no point for me to make plans ever. I can ass my asshole if he planning on doing anything he just says no nothing at all. Ok I’m going to take bath, clean and sew. Yeah I’m weird I like getting clean to clean I don’t get it either but gets me in mood. I take bath then all the sudden he says lets go get food. Ok let’s go we go as getting food says I got to go get my check. Ok do that been an fucking hour. Now he wants to go pickup his jacket he left at friends. Ok fine we’ll do that since we’re fifteen minutes away. So we go he goes in he’s inside for over thirty minutes while I wait in the car. Just picking up a jacket. Then he cons me into going to his other friends house so he can check out his boat. His friends are shitty not surprising assholes travel in packs. Ok end up staying at his friends house where they completely ignore the fact they have two kids and it’s basically me only one around the kids. So about six hours later finally getting home. I don’t get to do what I planned on doing I basically just sat waiting for someone all day. This shit happens all the time. When I don’t want to go he’ll complain for legit fucking hours. If I still won’t go he’ll put off till I will go. The man acts like he can’t do shit unless I’m there. Its been years and still don’t get this shit. I usually rather do shit by myself. Fucking people end of rant
Cleaning
It feels like I’m constantly cleaning and nothing ever gets clean. I’m constantly cleaning the same fucking shit. I know I would be normally cleaning same shit but not on a daily basis. I live with two other people my asshole and my daughter. yet every day I have to clean floor cause anytime he eats anything with wrapper he throws on grown. I hang my shirts don’t know why I have the shittest shirts. Yet every fucking day there are hangers on the damn floor. Any time this asshole eats instead of putting plate in sink this mother fucker just puts by me or gives to me. I could be in the middle of eat don’t matter here’s my plate. The most annoying this is this asshole thinks he cleans. This is how this asshole cleans he just moves the mess. Car full of shit,toys, and jackets. He just shoves everything in bag and dumps in house. Bunch of dishes out let me shove them on counter in kitchen. Like the fucking sink is right there fucking a. Anytime he cleans he just picks up anything shoves in bag shoves somewhere else. Then I’m like where my shit he’s like idk and I find a month later in random bag under bed like what the actual fuck. He always insist he didn’t move shit either like I know I didnt. And yeah you can think I might be mistaken but fuck no im not when I clean I put shit where it goes. I’m not going to put full box of qtips,toys,jacket, and charger cord in bag under bed. Stupidest fucking this. We been living in the same house for years this idiot has no idea where anything fucking goes like shit it’s not complicated. Where the fuck are these chicks getting these men that do everything for them. Like I can’t get this whiny bitch to do the smallest fucking thing. He cries about taking me to store where I’m shopping for the food I’m making, putting away and buying. Then this asshole has the nerve to act like he does so much for me taking me to laundry mat for me to do his fucking laundry. This mother fucker even complained about taking me to work even know he didn’t want me to take car but also not get ride. How the hell else am I going to get there dumbass. So annoying ok I’m done with this shit. Errrrrrrrr
Another depressing day
Another wonderful morning. Really hard to be sarcastic bitch when your crying. My asshole again was in a mood. Like a lot of times I pretended to be alseep so not have to deal with him. Clearly didn’t fucking work he spent what felt like hour breaking me down. What kind of woman am i. What kind of mom am I. What kind of girlfriend am i. The usual soul crushing demeaning talk. Couldn’t hold back my tears today. Hate it makes me feel like even more of a failure for crying in front of him. I felt my beyond alone helpless feeling I feel when he tears me down. Make me feel less than nothing. While I cried into my pillow as he torn me down I thought about giving away all my things selling the car I bought and only he drives for barely anything and leaving. But like always he loves to remind me I have no where to go. I tried my sister’s once fuck that sucked. Being told your a dumbass for staying with someone. Feeling like a failure because you couldn’t get your shitty relationship to work. Yeah I felt like failure. Then the asshole you tried to leave say just come back I’ll move out which of course he probably had no intention of doing. Then covid happen and you don’t have a job anymore. He was an asshole then but at least I had job I could go to everyday and just work. And I worked with no one so he finally couldn’t accuse me of cheating and withhold taking me to work. It was nice to get away from him. Its hard to want to do anything when he’s around always putting me down. I use to wonder how the fuck I got into such a shit relationship. I’ve always know it cause I was desperate never could admit it before but yeah. I just wanted someone that wanted me. 😭 I fucking hate emojis I never know wtf it is. But I guess that one cuts the seriousness of the shit going on.
Just got message he wants to know why we don’t ever do it anymore. Fucking wonder like seriously.
Generous?
Today after my asshole was his usual asshole self. He decided to get food but like always he doesn’t think to ask me what I would want he just decided for me. Of course I don’t want it I don’t like it. He always does this he never asks what I might actually want he just decides for me and every time I’m like who the fuck you get this for cause I don’t like this shit. I don’t like McDonald’s at all yet he always gets it like is he getting it to be asshole. He does this with everything. Jewelry is nice and all but not for me I don’t wear it or want it. But what does he get me a necklace this is after I told him don’t ever buy me jewelry. Every time he does it he always acts like I’m so generous. Yeah real generous giving someone something they don’t want or like.
shit life 