Im ridiculous

Why am I so anxious about working tomorrow. Just stressed and freaking out. It’s ridiculous. I’m being a complete ass to my boyfriend. What is wrong with me. Errrr what the hell. Stop the shit and go. I’m going that’s it. I’m going to set alarms go to sleep and wake up for a new day. Make that money. Ok let’s do this.

What am I doing

I have so many thoughts. So many ideas. I want to plan to do so many things. I’m feeling so down and so unsure of everything. I’m not in the mood to do anything. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Seems like depression but I’m not even thinking about the future and that’s usually all I think about. My boyfriend is being so amazing and awesome but he’s just getting on my nerves. I don’t know why I just want to be alone. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I try to do thinkmgs like go swimming and I just zone out and end up wanting to go back home to lay in bed. I got a job and it seemed nice and pay was better than last job. But just seemed like red flags in a pretty package. I know it’s dumb but I’m still upset about my other job. I really cared about my residents and am worried about them. I also don’t care because the people I worked under where shit and absolutely didn’t care. I just feel done for a bit in my field. Which kinda sucks because I think I should go to school for it but I don’t know. Should I it kind of sucks. It’s not free schooling. I just don’t know and I feel like I have absolutely no one to talk to about things. I probably do but I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone about anything.

Crushed

I had some hope about changing my life but my jackass reminded me he not going to let it happen easily. Already told me not taking me to work. I told him yeah eventually I’m going to move out because I don’t like to feel like I’m hiding shit. I especially don’t like to be accused of it. He’s in other room laughing at funny videos. I just want out of this shit. I fucking hate this. Already exhausted and just want to sleep. So shitty I new he would do this anything he had to stop me from getting away. He’s not working and I’m not working but he doesn’t care he says I should get job working at store I like. I told him I wouldn’t make enough. Just another way of keeping me put. Working a job that would just barely pay my bills. Yeah that’s what I want to do.

Ok what the fuck I’m still fucking awake. Non-stop thinking about fucking everything and anything. So figured my family kinda selfish, asshole is a asshole and inconsiderate, the bs friends I had sucked always. Also fuck my family goes for shitty people. Like we pick shitty people they treat us shitty and we have disappointing life of shitty times. Fuck when I stay up late thinking this is what happens. I fucking over think everything and regret every decision I’ve ever made. I mean I already regret everything but usually I’m not thinking of other shit. Other day I reminded asshole how I don’t want to be with him. As soon I said it I regretted it. Why who fucking knows he treats me like shit and never considers me. Yet I felt bad I should of kept to myself I know I don’t want to be with him I don’t need to shove in his face. I fucking hate it I reget everything and way over think. My dad’s birthday other day and I knew and remembered and seen him but I can’t say happy birthday to him I don’t know it’s too personal and I’m weird about saying shit. If you had birthday when I knew you I remembered but just never said anything cause I didn’t think we were close enough to say shit. Yeah fucking weirdo I know. Was one guy I work with I knew his birthday was coming up was probably only person I ever said happy birthday to without someone else saying it first. I even hugged him and I’m not a hugger. I basically only hug my daughter and nieces and nephews. Miss that guy always talked to me like person. It was nice. I always feel like got shitty life because something I’ve done. To be continued……

Gaslight

I watched a therapist review of the movie tangled and they talked about glaslighting. It was the first time I ever heard of it but when they explained it I was like well shit that’s my relationship. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that’s seen in abusive relationships. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity. So fucked up but this is exactly what my asshole does. The stupidest thing he is willing to argue and argue about after a certain amount of time I start to think he must be right who is willing to argue so long about something so mundane and insignificant if there wrong. I must be wrong I barely even care. Even before that I always doubt myself and unless I’m like overly sure about something I won’t say anything. I have to be beyond positive to say things out loud. So when he argues so passionately about something I eventually just except I’m wrong. I don’t know how my shit relationship got this far. I use to be very independent I had two jobs I paid all my bills I took bus did what I want and talked to who I wanted to. Now jobless can’t go anywhere without him and he acts like I’m incapable of doing anything without him. He acts like my little brain is too small to deal with day to day life. I hate how when I worked people always thought I was some badass who didn’t take anyone’s shit but most days I was barely getting by trying not to cry. Nothing like getting screamed at while getting dropped off at work that breaks you down. When my daughter was first born I worked and he didn’t the entire time. I let him do whatever he wanted he had to stay home with our daughter so if he wanted to go out everyday as soon as I got home that was fine. I never told him he was worthless or doing shit job. I also never disconnected the internet or didn’t pay for his phone bill. But anytime he does he always acts like it’s justified he would have to if I’d listen. I don’t understand how people justify treating people like shit. Every time I was shitty to someone I felt horrible later and it weighted heavy on my mind. Fuck I over think a lot of shit I done or said for years. Any time I ever said something stupid or hurtful. He says things and a second later forgot what he said. I just feel like I give so much and get nothing but pain. Done for now errrr

Talking

One of the shitty things about my life how completely fucking alone I feel always. I know I am a loner by heart but any of the times I ever tried to talk to someone I always 100% regretted it. First time my asshole came screaming to my job made huge scene was very embarrassed,ashamed and upset. I’m a very private person I don’t like to share anything. He’ll I’ve worked with people for months and they never knew my name. I like to keep work and life completely separate. Like Ived have people who would call me there work wife but they didn’t know anything about me. Anyways back to bull he screamed at me screamed at my pregnant boss. Everyone acted very supportive and concerned. The next day completely different everyone completely ignored me,made sure not to talk to me and had shit ton o work waiting for me when I got there. Was like that till I quit. Next time I tried to talk to someone about it they acted very nice and supportive. Then pretty much walked away and made fun of me and talked a bunch of shit. So don’t really talk about it with people anymore. Better off less drama well at work anyway. Always felt like people looked down on me when they knew. I rather them know nothing. Woo fun times

Side note I don’t know about the titles like always seem stupid. It’s much more like a diary people can read. Well me it is.

Mystery monolith

Ok ok I got to talk about this shit. Do I feel like it’s out of this world not really. Honestly I feel like it’s just some random shit someone did. Ok I like to keep to myself. I’m a huge introvert and most of my jobs I worked alone at monotonous jobs. But I was never board want to know why well first I’m always got some shit in my mind to think about or plan. Second I would do things that humored me. One being fucking with random people. Ok I worked in a factory and we pretty much had a constant rotation of new people coming in. In my area there was various machines and not many people knew much about them because if anything happened right away they would send brand new person to fix machine they never seen alone. So I made labels that matched the rest of the machine and took some knobs off a machine being dismantled and I glued the knobs on in random places on the machine and put lables that said shit like air pressure or electric current regulator. It was a machine that didn’t need air and I just made up the other shit. So anytime a new person came to fix it they would be trying to turn knob and trying to find in book. Yeah I’m a bitch but it was funny two new guys not willing to ask anyone about shit they didn’t know about so they just try turning a glued on knob. I didn’t do it to be mean or brag about cause honestly don’t care about others opinions but I thought that shit was fucking halarious. Another person I use to fuck with ok fucked with him cause he was a narcissist. He had a tool box he would leave unlocked every day I would mess with his drawers and rearrange everything. For like two months everyday he would get so pissed. Honestly was going to do only once but fuck his reaction was priceless I did it everyday. Fuck you nick. That shit was funny.

Depressed?

Sometimes I feel like I’m depressed something happens and I won’t want to get out of bed. Other times I’ll be so motivated to do so much. I grew up when people who were described depressed where seen as weak. There’s still that stigma in my mind at least. I feel embarrassed to even say it. Then I think what do I have to be depressed about. I have an amazing daughter I’m able to do crafts and homeschool my daughter. So many other people have less there struggling to get by and struggle to feed there family. Then I think my asshole constantly is putting me down telling me I’m ugly, shitty,lazy, and crap mom. I hate to admit to some extent I agree with him. I never thought or felt attractive. Always feel as if I could do more for my daughter. I’ve always doubted myself it just hurts when someone shoves those doubts in my face. I tried pretending what he says don’t hurt but they always do. I always told him i very insecure about my appearance. Yet any time he gets mad it’s the very first thing he says. It shows and extreme lack of respect for a person when you shove the thing they hate about themselves the most in there face every chance you get. I look back on when we first got together and how completely different he is now. He use to be kind and compassionate, and love my personality. Honestly it seems like he doesn’t like anything about me. He hates my jokes, thinks I’m loud, talks down to me, makes fun of my body. Sometimes when I’m really down I think of what life will be like when we break up. I’ll be able to go were I want, cook what I want, do what I want. I wouldn’t have to explain what I’m doing on my phone to anyone. I won’t have to explain anything I do to anyone. But it’s hard to think when that will happen. I was close last year I had a great job I worked totally alone not amazing pay but enough to live on my own. Then covid fuck everyone and here I am without a job and very limited opportunities. Depressing when you think of the world today. Lame

I’m a big freaking dork

Yeah I’m a dork and not ashamed to say it. I’m alot of things a nerd, introvert,crafty, people hating antique loving weirdo person. It’s better to just accepted it and move on. I know I’m weird because I love to eat a BBQ sandwich. Sounds good until you hear it’s just bbq sauce and bread. I love eating it randomly not all the time but probably once a month. I like it with Montgomery bbq sauce which is the best. Screw those brain washed people it’s not sweet baby Ray’s. Sucks only place I can find it is Walmart or overpriced online and I’m a cheapo won’t pay that shit. But god the more I don’t deal with people the more annoying I find them. What is with these people who shove there cart in the middle of the aisle then wonder around with can. I look back at my time working as a cashier and I don’t see how I did it. I had people dump there kids in front of my register and leave to shop. Ok probably worst cause I worked at thrift store. This was before it was cool to thrift shop yeah I’m old. People use to destroy the fitting rooms like they where on a mission from God. I didn’t have to deal with this but hear about it for days afterwards someone legit pooped on the floor in the middle of an aisle. Like wtf is wrong with people we had open bathrooms. I was a good employee I always was working but I was also a horrible employee. They only wanted to give people under 25 hours and paying minimum wage. I honestly only took job because I lived across road and was before my other job. I’m a pretty good worker as I am constantly working but if people asked me to lower price or for discount I would I didn’t care. I would lower price if was really damaged but people wanted it anyways to make something out of I’d give it to them. i don’t see how there going to charge so much for when they got it for free. We constantly had kids volunteering there was no benefits paid nothing and got treated shitty. Don’t treat employees like shit and expect them to care. Again end up talking about different subject entirely. So I’ll chuck deuce’s and end it here.